Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Hideous Knitting 101

Finally! Another installment of Hideous Knitting 101.

Yoga. You are one with your body. Mind, spirit, and flesh all in perfect unison, perfect harmony. The epitome of sublime tranquility and focus, you move yourself effortlessly from a peacock pose to a firefly, finally ending with the impossible savisana...

Then the EMT wakes you. You never actually made it onto the yoga mat. You realize you passed out from heat stroke because you ran down a flight of stairs wearing these:

Yes that's right. Knitted yoga pants. Knitted in...WOOL. Unless you intend on doing yoga on a glacier in Greenland, these pants have to be the most impractical (and ugly) garment I've seen since the Boyle Apron.

Darn it all! The patten is only written in Danish! But I actually have a WAY easier idea of how to get pretty much the same effect:

1) Go to a thrift store --- or your mom's or your grandmom's or maybe even your own closet, if money is really tight.

2) Buy/find an old wool coat that nobody wants to wear anymore. Make sure it's 100% wool. Maybe one of those "swing" coats that were popular about 15 years ago. Aside: Dear 1996, women really loved looking 8-months pregnant or like Pavarotti when out-of-doors in the winter. NOT.

3) Put your legs in the sleeves of the coat. Pull it up just enough so that you have about 18 inches of loose, billowy crotch space. Button or zip the coat, if you can.

4) To secure around your waist, tie a 100% wool scarf (preferably one double-knit with a Celtic motif) from front to back.

VOILA! What? Come on. Same difference.

Hideous Knitting 101 report card:

Style: F Ok I realize that "style" in its purest sense is probably the last thing anyone should worry about when doing yoga. But comfort should be right at the top! There is no way this giant, wool diaper with legs is conducive to the elevation of mind, body, and spirit through yoga.
And actually, to return to my initial assessment, it IS really frackin' ugly.

Fit: F Kinda hard to determine actual body fit here. I think it does tie around the waist in the back. Again, these are MC Hammer pants in wool. OK? Think about sweating with these on.

Color(s): C Meh, navy blue and gold. Ok.

Yarn: D While I am a HUGE fan of natural fibers, particularly merino or washable wool, it just does not make sense to me to knit anything that goes around your crotch area in wool. Granted, there is SO much extra fabric that it's probably not glued to your naughty bits like underwear, but still. To me this is a waste of wool. It's DK weight wool (NOT merino, definitely a highland wool) and there are 295 yards per hank. A web search and a translation from German to English showed me that it goes for 7.5 euros a hank, which is about 10.25. Pretty good for nearly 300 yards of DK wool. But still, to make these sheepy jodhpurs, you need about 950 yards, so 4 hanks. I'd like to reiterate that I have NO problem with the yarn itself; if it were used for a lovely vest or cardigan I'd grade it an A.

Execution: C? It's pretty hard to tell if this was knit according to pattern specification or not. I mean, it's got a whole lot goin' on. Double knitting, ribbing, pockets, what looks like modular brioche stitch at the cuffs, short row shaping, etc., etc. It's just so...odd...and...well, I can't...I don't even know. Here's another picture. You tell me.