The Mirthful Menagerie

Things That Rule

2012-01-27T10:27:00.004-05:00

Periodically, I'm going to post random things that are just totally awesome for one reason or another. First?

This statue of Ronnie Dio in Bulgaria:

\m/ \m/ indeed!

A Lesson in Hypocrisy

2012-01-20T16:25:00.002-05:00

"My inspiration comes from the resourcefulness of people who don’t have money to buy everything." -- Quoted from an interview with Etsy seller: sartoria. That quote is on Etsy's front page.

And here's what she sells:

"Upcycled" (I hate that fucking word) cashmere underwear for $45.57 a pair. And this is the cheapest thing you can buy from her store. Oh don't forget to add $9.11 to ship ONE PANTY to the US from Canada. Canada. SNORT. I should have known....

Have I mentioned lately how much I hate everyone? No? I HATE EVERYONE.

Well Played, SAF

2011-12-19T13:05:00.013-05:00

Recently, you all read my facetious rantings about the stamp-collecting game I play on my iPhone, called Stamp Art Fever (SAF).

The day after (of not the SAME day) I posted to my blog, the SAF team announced their version 12 update and gave a preview on the SAF blog. The 2 images they chose to share with us were less than encouraging.

To wit:

This first stamp, ZombieExpo, is ugly. Let's face it. And that it was part of a Book 2 set called "Post Apocalyptic" did not leave me in any great anticipation, believe me. I had assumed that the entire set would be about a zombie apocalypse. Swell.

Now, I didn't necessarily have a problem with the image on the second stamp, which is part of an Extra-Rare set called "Portraits." But the title of the stamp itself, (as it was presented out of context) "Haunted," gave the indication that would be part of yet another set of stamps dedicated to a subject matter in which I have next to ZERO interest: ghosts.

I was about to give up entirely on this game ever producing anything other than cheesy horror, manga, or lame fantasy sets of stamps.

Well to my utter surprise, the Post-Apocalyptic set is actually, well, not that bad. In fact, I kinda like them. Aside from the stupid zombie fist (it is giving us the Green Power salute?) the set is more like classic anti-war or other propaganda posters from the 1930s-1960s. Here's an example of what I mean:

This is a rare stamp called "Vision of the Future." Very 1930s. I like this one a lot!

The other Book 2 set is called "Dolls." While I find most of the dolls a little creepy, and the subject matter doesn't really interest me (I was never into collecting dolls), the set is definitely a departure from the tits and gore fest of the last update, so I'm not going to complain. Here's one of the less-creepy ones:

This is an uncommon stamp called "Lavender Doll."

I mentioned the Extra-Rare set called Portraits. And I have to say BRAVO to SAF for this set of beautifully rendered portraits. I can, in all sincerity, say that this set has produced one of my most favorite stamps to date: Guardian. Check this out:

It's ethereal and beautiful; whimsical without having to rely on any of the trappings of modern-day concepts of fantasy and whimsy (I'm talking about Disney and such). A truly unique concept and absolutely gorgeously executed. The other stamps in this collection are also good (see the Haunted stamp above). But this one is by far the stand-out, in my opinion.

The second set of extra-rare stamps was titled "Japanese Demons." Well, I do have significant interest in Japanese culture. I thought the worst when seeing the word "demons," especially how that term is typically used in American and European cultures. However, this set has turned out to be fairly nice overall. This is my favorite stamp from that set:

This stamp is called Kyubi, which is a nine-tailed fox spirit in Japanese legend (and also Korean and Chinese). The term "demon" in Japanese does not always have the negative connotation as it does in the English language. It's appeared in many forms of anime, most notably to us in the USA, the cartoon Naruto. But anyway, I like this stamp a lot and it really is a very original way of depicting Kyubi.

With the Version 12 update came yet another new collecting feature: the puzzle stamp. Basically, you trade in 5 stamps (1 rare, 2 uncommon, and 2 common) from your regular book collections (Book 1 and/or Book 2) and then you redeem those stamps for one piece of a puzzle stamps. Each puzzle stamp is made up of 3 pieces. There were 5 puzzle stamps released with this update. Most of them were bizarre manga/fantasy stamps. Not awful, but certainly not awesome. One weird stamp in particular is called "GhostSeaGiantDemon." Uh huh. Can you put together a more RANDOM set of words than that? So I took it upon myself to tack on several other names, just for the hell of it: GhostSeaGiantDemonPencilCowHelmetBanana. It's hokey:

Lame.

Another puzzle stamp, called "KillGod," (another dumb name) looks like something right out of Final Fantasy X:

I'm seriously not that impressed.

And with this set of puzzle stamps came, FINALLY, a stamp for the LADIES (well, sorta):

Aww yeah! Nice back porch, Minotaur! How about you let that sheer, red sarong go, hmmm?

I'd also like to mention that I am now ranked 9th out of over 6400 players. Nothing to sneeze at, eh?

My Cats Are Weird

2011-12-06T12:13:00.009-05:00

Here's how Hercules gets down from his favorite chair.

I can't tell if he's lazy or just really strong and showing off!

Nothing Gold Ever Stays

2011-11-21T09:14:00.032-05:00

I got a blessed iPhone back in March. It really is quite a modern miracle. I don't regret for one moment purchasing the iPhone (as part of my 2-year agreement with Verizon, of which I also have NO complaints).

It has made my life infinitely easier and more fun. According to Apple, there are over 500,000 apps available for the iPhone and I'm sure the iPad will overcome that number in the near future. I just can't bring myself to drop $699 on an iPad (hey if you're going to get one, may as well get the BEST one; I mean DOUBLE the GB for $100 more? Hell yes). It looks so fragile and I have no where to put it. It's too big for my purse and would get destroyed in my work messenger bag. The battery doesn't seem to last very long either (but, then again, neither does the one on my phone). My sister's boyfriend has one, so I've actually seen and used one to make my assumptions.

ANYWAY. I've got a bunch o' apps on my phone. Most of them were free. I am really cheap, as you all know. I have purchased a few games, however, that were just SO stand-out great in the free versions that it was worth the couple of bucks. Like Peggle. I absolutely lurve this game. I think the app was normally $3.99, but I got it on sale for some reason for $1.99. And it looks like NOW it's only $.99! I also bought the "Peggle Nights" expansion as in IAP for $.99. We also purchased this game for the xbox360. Very fun, addictive game and great for everyone.

Fruit Ninja is another cool game. I bought this for only $.99. I think they've adapted this game for the xbox360 as well, but we haven't so much as looked sideways at our xbox in months.

Since about May, I've been playing a game called Stamp Art Fever. I actually have the PRO version, but I got it free, so I saved myself a whopping $1.99, which is what it costs now. Anyway, the game is, in a nutshell, stamp collecting. Sounds dull. But it's oddly fun and soothing. Or at least it USED TO BE. In the last few months my silly little stamp-collecting game has grown quite bloated and is moving in a direction that disappoints me so much.

Let me preface my rant by saying that I have actually carved out a little niche for myself in this game. I am ranked 12th world-wide of iPhone app users (I think iPad has its own list) on GameCenter's leader board---12th out of about 4000. Not too shabby. [Update 12/3: I am now ranked 9th!]

So it would be nice if the game's developers would pay some attention to the folks who have been playing this game for months (it was practically new when I started playing) instead of playing to the "band-wagoners" that stroke their egos every time they make some lame announcement or "improvement" to the game.

First Problem: The developers are Italian. Now, this itself isn't exactly a problem (hey, I'm Italian too). But they have a PAID app on the market that is gaining popularity and the number of grammatical and translational errors (presumably between Italian & English) is absurdly high. I really, really think they should invest in a native-English-speaker editor for everything they do before they commit updates to the app. I know they are making money on this app. How do I know? Well for one thing, the only way to have any success in the game, at least initially) is to invest some real money in buying in-app coins to buy stamp "blisters" in order to beef up your collections for trade or what-not. In the initial month or two of my playing SAF, I must have spent about $30 on in-app purchases either for coins or other options (I'll get to that later). This is A LOT for me (recall that I am both cheap and BROKE). Imagine someone who is not cheap or broke?

Example: There is a stamp in the Extra Rare book entitled "Eagle and the Darky Wood." DARKY? Really? Maybe Italians don't realize what an offensive term that is in the United States. Or maybe it's just a typo. Either way, someone should have fucking PROOFREAD it before it was released. What makes this even MORE infuriating is that there is another stamp in the same collection entitled: "Alone in the Dark Wood." Dark. See? Hire a goddamn proofreader!

Second Problem: Obsession with "cheaters." Look, people. It's frustrating when you create a fun little game and some jerkoff out there exploits the game's code and cheats. Or screws around with their phone's settings to change the days/times/countries in order to cheat. But you know what? It happens; so get over it. No, instead the game developers reduced the number of coins a person can send and receive per day to 40K (it used to be 100K). Now 40K might seem like a lot. But when you're dealing with obsessed people (and I mean there are some people who play this game that are INSANELY obsessed) they will pay upwards of a million coins for a stamp. At 40K a day it's going to take a while to complete a trade/purchase. The developers cited the reduction to 40K per day "to prevent cheating." Um, how exactly does this prevent cheating? Especially since the cheating is probably occurring at the code-level and not the game-play level. To add insult to injury the developers decided to offer the option of paying $.99 to be able to bring the send/receive amount back to 100K. And this is fair...how? To punish a few "cheaters," 4000 iPhone app users would have to cash out another $.99. Seems like a money-making scheme to me. I resisted spending the $.99 but eventually broke down. And here's the be-all, end-all: it didn't work. I STILL can only send and receive 40K. I thought about complaining to the developers, but with the language barrier, I doubt they will even know what the hell I am talking about.

Third Problem: Hall of Fame. About every month or so the developers release an update that usually offers more stamp sets to collect and some improvements. With the version 10 release, the developers instituted a Hall of Fame collection to the game. Of COURSE, this had to be unlocked through an IAP for $1.99. I absolutely refuse to pay for this. It's stupid. When the information on the version 10 update was trumpeted on the blog, they never mentioned that players would have to shell out cash for this feature. It's very unfair. Moreover, because the Hall of Fame is only open at certain times and there are limited numbers of the Hall of Fame stamps, the same few people keep buying up everything in sight to gouge people later who can only buy the stamps from them them. I reckon that the players who can afford to spend hundreds of thousands of coins on these Hall of Fame stamps are the same CHEATERS that the developers keep trying to get rid of. The game has really been reduced to 75% Hall of Fame trading/buying and 25% complaining about cheaters. Also, the Hall of Fame stamps are kind of ugly. Which brings me to...

Fourth Problem (minor problem): Most of the "Art" in the last 3 updates is tailored for dudes. And dudes who fit into one of the following 3 categories:

dudes who like cheesy velvet paintings of exotic, scantly-clothed women
dudes who own a van and with cheesy airbrush art of skulls, hot rods, or more scantly-clothed women
dudes who like gore, horror, listen to heavy metal, or watch the history channel.

Here are some prime examples:

This is called "Lilith" and she's in the Very Important Vampires set in the Extra Rares collection. Yes. There is a whole set of stamps devoted to VAMPIRES. Lame. This falls in ALL THREE of the "dude" categories I mentioned above.

This stamp is in the Autumn set from the Book 2 collections and it is called "Romance." Romance, really? Suuure. Again this one might be lost in the translation....

The "Al Capone" stamp in the Outlaws set of the Extra Rare collection. Totally uninteresting grouping of stamps. I couldn't care less about mobsters, gangsters, or crime lords...

...or the people that chased them. Here's "Eliot Ness" from the Officers set, also in the Extra Rare collection. They based a whole set of stamps on these no-name cops. Aside from Eliot Ness and possibly Donnie Brasco, the people on these stamps are way too obscure. Have YOU ever heard of Joe Petrosino? I didn't think so.

This is a "Water Witch" from the Elemental Witches set in the Extra Rare collection. Yes. A whole set devoted to elemental witches, whatever the hell they are supposed to be. Also? There is a witch in this collection (that I don't have yet) called "Death Witch." Since when is death an element?

"Stone Witch" from the same Elemental Witches set. This is both cheesy AND ugly. Nice job, "artists."

A common "Red Skull" from the Halloween set in the Book 2 collection. Yup. A whole set devoted to Halloween (my most hated holiday ever). By the way, this collection came out in the same update as the Vampires and Elemental Witches. Talk about beating a dead horse. No one fucking cares about Halloween that much. OK? Jeez.

"Nosferatu." Another day, another shitty vampire stamp.

Lastly, I give you:

"Silence." This is in the From Hell set also in the Extra Rare collection: stamps based on horrible and/or famous murders. So lovely. Another stamp in this group is called "Helter Skelter."

You know, I want to see stamps that are pleasing to MY eyes. Since all you dudes got more than your fair share of tits and gore, I demand that the next set of stamps feature nothing but hot photos of Matthew Fox.

Like THIS :

or this:

Or this:

Or this:

Or, hell, I'll even take James Franco:

NO MORE SKULLS, VAMPIRES, WITCHES, BLOOD SPLATTER, MURDER, CRIMINALS, WEAPONS, or HOOCHIES, PLEASE.

Sorry, Guys

2011-11-16T09:02:00.019-05:00

Because I love you all, I haven't talked about my job in ages. I've pretty much resolved myself to the fact that I will be working at my job forever, so I better just buck up and make the best of my remaining years of servitude. In fact, I printed out this picture a few months ago and have it taped to the radiator behind me:

Maybe this is me having a supremely bad attitude, but whatever. I don't care.

Ahhh, when The Simpsons was actually good....

So anyway, the reason for this post is that I, once again, have to talk about my job to report on three things, only ONE of which is horrible (guess which one): 1) I have a new boss. 2) I don't have to deal with morons, er, I mean students, anymore. 3) Faculty are legally retarded and make me want to pound my face with a shovel.

1) I have a new boss, as of September 2011. He was hired from outside my department by a committee that the Dean appointed, which was a really brilliant idea since 85% of the faculty already in my department are either clueless or assholes or some combination of both. I like my new boss very much. What's even better is that he's not from the USA. So his understanding, compassion, and common sense are far superior to most faculty that I've encountered. He believes in autonomy, respects my intellect and ability to do my job, and realizes how stressful work can be---and actually TRIES TO EFFECT CHANGE. Which brings me to point 2.

2) I'm not advising students anymore. In order to prevent me from stabbing myself in the eye with my letter opener and eating thumbtacks, my boss decided to take the student advising component of my job off my plate.

At first, I was like, "YAY!"

Then about 2 hours later, I was like, "Um...yay?"

After 2-3 days, I was like a heroin addict going through withdrawal. I had advised students for so long that my brain was short circuiting.

Then I got really sad; stupid sad. Like crying-at-diaper-commercials sad.

Then, acceptance.

I sent an e-mail out to the students in my department, explaining the new advising situation. And now I feel liberated. I used to always feel this incredible weight of responsibility to 200+ random youths who can't tie their shoes or read an analog clock if their lives depended on it. They really did rely way too heavily on me fixing their problems and bearing the burden of responsibility for THEIR academic careers. I was too accessible; I made things too easy for them, and they knew it. Here's an e-mail I received from a student:

"Everyone in my 301 is mourning the loss of you as an advisor. We decided to have "Occupy XXXXX's Office" until they change it. Though the thought was that XXXXX wouldn't even be in their office anyway."

3) Stop...just stop. So sometimes we have to hire new faculty. Faculty positions come in one of three forms: an adjunct (total crap job), an auxiliary (slightly less crap job), or a tenure-track (the Holy Grail of teaching jobs). We are in the process of hiring a few of those much-sought-after tenure-track positions; a process during which I have endured the most addle-brained idiots on the planet. The job(s) had multiple postings with various online services (which I wrote and posted) and, I think, quite CLEARLY explain what's required. To wit:

Applications MUST be submitted online via XXXX. Mailed, faxed, or e-mailed applications will NOT be accepted. Questions may be addressed to Prof. Not Gina at not.gina@xxxxxxx.edu.
Candidates should include: 1) a cover letter; 2) curriculum vitae; 3) up to three samples of your scholarly writing; and 4) the names and email addresses of at least three references. DO NOT SEND RECOMMENDATION LETTERS.

Uh huh. Not so much. Afraid not.

First of all, if I had a dollar for every person who e-mailed ME about these stupid fucking jobs, I could pay off my mortgage. So let me get this straight: The job ad gives you the name and e-mail address of a contact person who is not me. It's RIGHT THERE. We did all the work for you. Yet, you either:
a) went to my university's website, found my department's website, searched the department's list of faculty and staff and then decided to e-mail me. WHY? How did you even know I would have anything to DO with the job posting? OR
b) you searched for my university and department on the site where you saw the job posting and then noticed my name there as the contact person for that particular site. Again WHY, when we already told you who to contact and it's NOT ME?

Second, want to take a guess at what the number-one question was? A: "Where do I send my recommendation letters?" Where? UP YOUR ASS, that's where. We've gotten over 500 applications for these positions. Do you really think we can manage THREE or FOUR letters of recommendation for EACH of you? Morons, your bus is leaving.

Keep in mind that these people have Ph.D.'s.

One example of idiocy:

Dear Ms. Waters,

I submitted online my application for the faculty search, but I did not see on the website a way to attach confidential letters of recommendation. If it's convenient for you, I can have these sent via email from interfolio.com, an on-line portfolio website.

Dude...really? At least that person asked first. I got SEVERAL unsolicited e-mails from interfolio.com with recommendation letters attached for various applicants. To which I responded:

We have not requested, nor wish to receive any application materials at this time. This applicant apparently did not pay attention to the instructions in our job posting.

Thank you,
Gina Waters

One guy got pissed that I called him out with interfolio. They notified him that I complained about the submission on his behalf and he responded directly to me:

Dear Ms. Waters,

Thanks for your note below. I submitted my application materials at XXXX.com as instructed by the job ad. However, I wasn’t comfortable having you solicit letters directly from my recommenders for a few reasons. One of the writers is out of the country for the year and literally unreachable by email for long stretches of time. Another is so disorganized when it comes to such matters that it is a virtual impossibility that he would successfully get the letter to you. A third agreed to write a letter on the condition that he didn’t get besieged by emails asking him to log in and load it to various websites. And though unfortunate, I am a bit sympathetic with this attitude; having written many letters for my own students, I’m well aware of the time required to compose a thoughtful letter. For these reasons, I thought it best to send this one piece of my application packet directly to you. Apologies for the breach of protocol. I hope, though, that you might be able to understand my predicament. Is there any alternative way to get the letters to you?

Best,

DUDE. NO. There are so many things wrong with this guy that I don't even know where to begin. Look, bottom line: If your references are a) out of the country b) extraordinarily disorganized and c) too stupid, put-out, arrogant, etc. to figure out how to send one for you then I suggest you GET DIFFERENT REFERENCES, JERKOFF. Also? WE DON'T WANT THE GORRAM LETTERS. Capisce?

Maybe these people never learned to read or were never encouraged as children. I swear I couldn't make this shit up if I tried:

Dear Ms. Waters,

In your jobs listing, you ask for names and email addresses of three references. Does that mean that you do not want letters, sent either electronically or through the mail?

Thank you for your time,

~~~

Dear Ms. Waters,

This is an applicant for the tenure track position. I've completed the online applications, but how shall I send the recommendation letters? Can my professors email them directly?

Thanks a lot!

~~~

Dear Ms. Waters,

I am writing with regards to my application for the tenure-track position. I submitted my application online last week but I did not receive any confirmation regarding the submission. Also, I did not find any instructions for how to submit my recommendation letters. Should I have my recommenders e-mail the letters to you directly?

Please let me know the best way to proceed. Many thanks for your help.

Best wishes,

O_o F'REAL???

Here's an irate e-mail I received from a applicant. See, apparently their inability to use the online job site or read at a 5th-grade level is MY FAULT:

Hello there,

As you might guess, I have a question about getting letters for my application to your department. I hope you can clarify things for me.

I am applying for an open faculty position. I filled everything out online (at the jobs website), but, contrary to what your job advertisement instructs, the website never gathered information from me on my letters of reference (who is writing the letters and how to contact the letter writers).

Did the website malfunction or is this the correct procedure? Or am I supposed to ask my letter writers to send their letters to Drexel as soon as possible, and if so, where?

As you can tell, I am confused as to the status of my application and the letters to be attached to my application.

Thanks,

"Contrary to what your job advertisement instructs...." Hmm...curious. Let's go back and review what the instructions are, shall we?

Candidates should include: 1) a cover letter; 2) curriculum vitae; 3) up to three samples of your scholarly writing; and 4) the names and email addresses of at least three references. DO NOT SEND RECOMMENDATION LETTERS.

Well, there you go. So let's see if I can explain this because you never passed middle-school reading comprehension. Remember how you just loaded your cover letter and your cv and your writing samples? It was all of 2 minutes ago, so think hard. I'll wait.... Got it? Good. Well, that's how you FUCKING SUBMIT THE NAMES AND CONTACT INFORMATION. Hey, I have a door knob that needs humping, you available?

My response:

Hello Professor Douchewagon:

The XXXX site does not have a special mechanism for entering contact information regarding your references. We did not specifically instruct you to enter information this way. We expected that you would include the contact information for your references as part of your CV or cover letter, or attach the information as a supporting document.

If the XXXX system does not allow you to go back and attach the contact information in one of the manners I mentioned above, don't worry about it. If your application moves to the next stage, the search committee will contact you about how to submit letters of recommendation.

DO NOT send any recommendation letters at this time.

Guess who had interfolio send me their letters...? Yup. That's right. DOUCHEWAGON.

You know what? I'm done. You can all go jump off a bridge. What's most frustrating about this whole thing? We HAVE to choose three or four people from this pool of dumbasses. So I might not be advising students anymore, but my moron-to-admin ratio is about to be further skewed.

Deja Deja Vu

2011-11-03T20:33:00.005-04:00

Aaaand here's the one for my mother-in-law. The buttons arrived today. This time I just used oval shell buttons that I got from Deramores (an AWESOME store that features knitting products more common to knitters in Great Britain. They offer free shipping with no minimum and the prices are decent too). Anyway, I think these simple buttons look nice with this sweater. They really highlight the rich, French blue color!

Need a Mood Boost?

2011-11-01T11:04:00.002-04:00

This was really fun to watch, especially with one of my all-time favorite actors and THE best James Bond ever (do NOT argue with me), Timothy Dalton.

Had To Commit This To "Paper"

2011-10-28T10:42:00.004-04:00

Virtual paper.

Ok so remember the post I wrote about that incredibly generous etsy seller Rose at CakeWalkYarns? Here's a picture of the two skeins of yarn that I received from her:

To refresh everyone's memory (mostly mine): The yarn colorway is called Hero Squad. And here's how it got that name:

Color: HERO SQUAD
Another yarn inspired by my favorite (albeit canceled) TV show, Arrested Development. Buster got distracted by the claw machine game in the bus station & missed his bus to the Army base. Forgetting all about boot camp, he arrived home with an armful of stuffed animal prizes. Buster (suddenly realizing his mistake) explained to the family that these were awards & that the army had assigned him to Hero Squad…mistaking the children’s cartoon for an actual military program. This yarn is inspired by the Buster’s imagination – it is a very bright green, speckled with many, many colors.

Ok. So how awesome and funny would it be if I made that knitted bunny using THIS yarn? Huh? HUH?? A stuffed animal knitted with yarn inspired by an Arrested Development episode about stuffed animals. Sweet. Even if I'm the only person who gets it, it's still good enough for me! And the other good thing about using this yarn is that it's washable because it's sock yarn! And a second --- no third --- good thing is that it will be super soft too for a baby. And the forth---I'll come in again.

Deja Vu

2011-10-24T13:49:00.004-04:00

So, I made another one of these February Lady Sweaters for my mom. I finished it about the middle of September. Photos:

The yarn is Malabrigo merino worsted in the American Beauty colorway. Made one helluva squishy, soft, lofty sweater! I used about 4.5 skeins (a little more, but definitely not all 5) on size 9 needles. Mom really loved it! I have to admit that this wasn't the easiest thing in the world to block, but I think it turned out a-ok!

And here's a closer picture so you can see the buttons better. I also got these from LiDDesigns on Etsy. I highly recommend her for truly unique and beautiful buttons. She gladly does custom work and the quality is amazing.

I have actually started yet ANOTHER of these sweaters for my mother-in-law. I'm about 70% done. I think I will hold off on making more, though. (I had originally planned to knit one for each of my sisters for Christmas!) I learned that my new boss' wife is having a baby in April. So I'm going to start a baby blanket for them as soon as I'm done with the sweater for my mother-in-law. I'm waiting for the yarn to arrive! And I am also going to make one of those knitted bunnies that you shape and sew from a basic, knit square.

Hideous Knitting 101

2011-09-28T13:10:00.010-04:00

Finally! Another installment of Hideous Knitting 101.

Yoga. You are one with your body. Mind, spirit, and flesh all in perfect unison, perfect harmony. The epitome of sublime tranquility and focus, you move yourself effortlessly from a peacock pose to a firefly, finally ending with the impossible savisana...

Then the EMT wakes you. You never actually made it onto the yoga mat. You realize you passed out from heat stroke because you ran down a flight of stairs wearing these:

Yes that's right. Knitted yoga pants. Knitted in...WOOL. Unless you intend on doing yoga on a glacier in Greenland, these pants have to be the most impractical (and ugly) garment I've seen since the Boyle Apron.

Darn it all! The patten is only written in Danish! But I actually have a WAY easier idea of how to get pretty much the same effect:

1) Go to a thrift store --- or your mom's or your grandmom's or maybe even your own closet, if money is really tight.

2) Buy/find an old wool coat that nobody wants to wear anymore. Make sure it's 100% wool. Maybe one of those "swing" coats that were popular about 15 years ago. Aside: Dear 1996, women really loved looking 8-months pregnant or like Pavarotti when out-of-doors in the winter. NOT.

3) Put your legs in the sleeves of the coat. Pull it up just enough so that you have about 18 inches of loose, billowy crotch space. Button or zip the coat, if you can.

4) To secure around your waist, tie a 100% wool scarf (preferably one double-knit with a Celtic motif) from front to back.

VOILA! What? Come on. Same difference.

Hideous Knitting 101 report card:

Style: F Ok I realize that "style" in its purest sense is probably the last thing anyone should worry about when doing yoga. But comfort should be right at the top! There is no way this giant, wool diaper with legs is conducive to the elevation of mind, body, and spirit through yoga.
And actually, to return to my initial assessment, it IS really frackin' ugly.

Fit: F Kinda hard to determine actual body fit here. I think it does tie around the waist in the back. Again, these are MC Hammer pants in wool. OK? Think about sweating with these on.

Color(s): C Meh, navy blue and gold. Ok.

Yarn: D While I am a HUGE fan of natural fibers, particularly merino or washable wool, it just does not make sense to me to knit anything that goes around your crotch area in wool. Granted, there is SO much extra fabric that it's probably not glued to your naughty bits like underwear, but still. To me this is a waste of wool. It's DK weight wool (NOT merino, definitely a highland wool) and there are 295 yards per hank. A web search and a translation from German to English showed me that it goes for 7.5 euros a hank, which is about 10.25. Pretty good for nearly 300 yards of DK wool. But still, to make these sheepy jodhpurs, you need about 950 yards, so 4 hanks. I'd like to reiterate that I have NO problem with the yarn itself; if it were used for a lovely vest or cardigan I'd grade it an A.

Execution: C? It's pretty hard to tell if this was knit according to pattern specification or not. I mean, it's got a whole lot goin' on. Double knitting, ribbing, pockets, what looks like modular brioche stitch at the cuffs, short row shaping, etc., etc. It's just so...odd...and...well, I can't...I don't even know. Here's another picture. You tell me.

The Fastest Sweater Ever

2011-08-24T15:41:00.005-04:00

Well, I am happy to report that I completed the February Lady sweater on Monday 8/22, which means I started and finished a sweater in three weeks. I cannot believe I knit an adult-sized sweater in 3 weeks. I am very happy with the results. So much so, that I think I am going to frog the Komon kimono that I started like 76 years ago (ok, 4 --- close enough) for my mom and make one of the February Lady sweaters for her as well.

I have yet to take a halfway flattering photo of myself wearing this sweater. I so wish I was more photogenic. But anyway, I must say it fits me fabulously --- like it was made on me. And you know what? It sort-of was! Love the top-down construction because it lets you try it on as often as you want!

Various and Sundry

2011-08-11T09:46:00.027-04:00

Ok, I don't know why, but I kinda LOVE this.

http://stitchmana.com/pattern/sp oilt-for-choice/

It's a free pattern called Spoilt for Choice. The designer's little story about how this garment came into being is quite amusing. There are about 15 ways to wear this thing. I just think it's super chic and unique. I might make one for Amy, my friend and colleague here at work who is super fun and funky and appreciates artistic quirkiness. Then I really want to make one for me. Although, I don't know if a very busty chick, like me, could pull this off.

Other things:

The scarf for my boss is done. But he's been all weird lately. My friend Amy (same one I mentioned above) and I tried to take him to lunch at the end of July (for which event I furiously knit away to complete that scarf). And he made some weird, cryptic remark (what a surprise) about how "no lunches will be had until September." What. Ever. Here's the scarf:

Back at the end of April, my mom and sister got together and ordered a set of "Darn Pretty" Dyakcraft needles for me as a birthday present. Well, given that they were inundated with orders (because their needles are amazing), the folks at Dyakcraft could not manage to get them out to me until around 8-9 weeks later. But I did receive them around July 4, and the needles are pretty freakin' sweet. Pictures to follow.

I got the 3.5" set (sizes 4-10) in Hazelnut wood. The set also came with 4 stoppers and a beautiful, hand-sewn needle case in a brick red color with a chocolate brown grosgrain ribbon closure. Really pretty. I ordered the shorter length cables. Super smooth wood, but not lacquered. So there is no threat of something rubbing or flaking off. Joins for the cables are quite good, as are the cables themselves --- not too thick (like Denise) or thin as fishing lure (like Hiya Hiya). I think they are the right combination of flexible and thin. I will definitely order more cables for my needles. I am also very tempted to order a set of 5" needles. Maybe for Christmas or next year for my 40th birthday (GAH).

Now I see that they have sets of sock-sized DPNs for $40. You get FIVE sets of needles (US 0, 1, 1.5, 2, and 3). That's a REALLY good price for 5 sets of hand-turned needles. I hate being broke. LOL

Anyway here are some pics of the 3.5" Hazlenut set:

I apologize for the quality of the photos. They looked better on the iPhone.

I am so pleased with the depth and variation of color in this set.

Anyway, I really like these needles a lot! And if you are in the market for a set of quality, interchangeable, wood needles, then these are definitely worth the $140 price tag.

Let's see what else? Oh, the Helix scarf. Done. Here's a picture:

I also started knitting a February Lady sweater. I know several people who have knit this sweater. And there are over 11000 (yes eleven THOUSAND) knitters who have the February Lady sweater among their projects. I've been tossing around the idea of knitting this sweater for a couple years. I just wasn't sure how good the style would look on me. But, wanting to finally knit a sweater for ME, I decided to just go for it.

I'm using Valley Yarns Colrain. Very lovely, soft merino/tencel blend. The color I chose is called "Gray Teal." This is the most absurd color name for this yarn because it's neither gray NOR teal (which I hate, as you know), or even remotely close to one of those colors. It's more of a Nile green or even a jungle green. I mean seriously, just look at the swatch color. Gray Teal? Nope. Anyway, the label calls it heavy worsted, but it's really regular to light worsted. I'm knitting on size 8, which it what the pattern calls for and I seem to be getting gauge with no problem, albeit, the gull lace pattern seems pretty lacy already and I haven't finished yet (so no blocking yet).

Here's a picture:

Coming along nicely, I think! I'm knitting the 41" size. I tried it on (ah the beauty of top-down raglan construction) and it seems to be fitting pretty well. A little closer around the bust than I maybe like. But again, this is pre-blocked and it's still on the needles, which makes the measurements a little smaller.

I also got the MOST gorgeous buttons for this from etsy. Check THESE out:

The seller is LiDDesignsSupplies in Hoboken, NJ. All her buttons are super nice and unique.

Speaking of etsy, I've encountered some really nice sellers on there (and some freakin' idiots). One super nice person in particular is Rose over at Cakewalk Yarns. I saw this yarn on there the other day and flipped over sideways. HAD to have it:

It's 463 yards of sock yarn and the colorway was called Hero Squad. It got it's name from an episode of Arrested Development, which I thought was just too hilarious.
Here's her description:

Color: HERO SQUAD
Another yarn inspired by my favorite (albeit canceled) TV show, Arrested Development. Buster got distracted by the claw machine game in the bus station & missed his bus to the Army base. Forgetting all about boot camp, he arrived home with an armful of stuffed animal prizes. Buster (suddenly realizing his mistake) explained to the family that these were awards & that the army had assigned him to Hero Squad…mistaking the children’s cartoon for an actual military program. This yarn is inspired by the Buster’s imagination – it is a very bright green, speckled with many, many colors.

It was $21 for the skein plus $2 to ship. Not bad, especially since it's hand-dyed and on etsy (which tends to be uber expensive for sock yarn). So later that day I saw a convo from Rose. She said she re-skeined the yarn so that it didn't look exactly like the picture. But that if I was a yarn "collector" (oh how she knows us knitters!) she'd send me a re-re-skeined one. So I told her that I'd love to have one that looked like the picture, if only to admire (and show off!) for a little while before using it. This just HAS to be knit into something. But here are the rest of our convos:

Rose: Ok-I sent it off this afternoon before I got your note so I will get another one out to you in the morning. Not a problem! --Rose

Me: OH that's ok! Don't worry about it! Since you've already mailed it!
Gina

Rose: I insist! I should have asked you beforehand, I was just in a hurry to get to the post office before they close. You keep both, please. I think you are going to love Hero Squad & that way you can knit someone a gift.
Thanks very much—Rose

Me: Oh my gosh! That is so nice of you!!! Thank you so very much!
Gina

So now I am getting TWO skeins of this incredible yarn. I can't believe how generous and thoughtful some people are. Thank you, Rose from Cakewalk Yarns, for resorting my faith in humanity just a teeny bit!

Too Funny

2011-08-03T15:27:00.002-04:00

Actual text conversation with my sister's boyfriend, Myles:

Me: Ok Rifftrax: Twilight? Avatar? Wrath of Khan? Crystal Skull? Last Airbender? We need to know so we can have Netflix send us the DVD by Saturday.

Myles: Crystal Skull, def. Wrath of Obama is an option????

Me: LOL! Most def! We actually own Wrath of Obama! So we can do that one too!

Myles: ...Holy...My phone changed Khan to Obama.

Me: LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yup, gotta love auto-correct!

Se7en

2011-07-18T22:51:00.000-04:00

DON'T HIT ME [ducking for cover]:

But, for reals? Just look at that face.

This is Toothless. As you may have guessed, he's named after the dragon from the How to Train Your Dragon film.

He's as sweet as could be, a little shy, and one of the most lovable animals I've ever encountered.

Ok, so how did we end up with this cat? Well we started noticing him in November or so of 2010. He would often show up around feeding time when we were still feeding Moonie outside. They would eat from the same bowl without conflict. But he was so shy and unsure of us (worse than Moonie, if anyone could believe it), that he was literally like a shadow of a cat. He would hide somewhere until we closed the door and then he'd come out to eat. Open the door, and poof, he would dart away into the night. We started calling him Toothless because of both his look and behavior!

After we brought Moonie into our house, he started coming more frequently, often twice a day. Every few weeks I noticed that he was letting us get closer to him. One day in April or so, he actually let me pet him on the head. From that point on, the improvement in his trust in us was increasing much more rapidly. We considered bringing him in. But since Moonie was still not used to us or her surroundings, and we had reached our usual capacity of 6, AND we knew that he was not neutered yet (expense and spraying inside were big concerns) we decided that maybe we'd wait. Things were great and we were happy to feed him outside, as he basically appeared to be pretty much living on our property quite happily, safely, and comfortably. Until...

Mulder. Yes, Mulder as in Fox Mulder. In May I noticed this orange and white tabby just sitting on our lawn. An attractive cat, he had very large ears, a long body and a slightly bushier tail than most cats (especially since he's a short-hair). Very fox-like. So I just stared calling him Fox Mulder one day and it sort-of stuck. I took a picture from the window:

Well...Mulder and Toothless did NOT get along. In fact, Mulder is quite the bully. We noticed one day that Toothless had a cut on his head and another time a bite near where his ear meets his head. Whenever Mulder was around, Toothless was absent. If Mulder showed up when Toothless was there, then Toothless would run away as if the devil himself were chasing him. It was obvious that Mulder was claiming our house as his territory. Toothless started coming less frequently, and almost always in the dark. In fact at one point, we hadn't seen him in about 4-5 days. I feared the worst. But because Toothless had built up a trust with us, he actually responded to hearing his name! He would come from seemingly out of nowhere after hearing me call him. We decided that we had to bring him in. He would not survive long with Mulder around, plus the heat of the summer.

So Todd scooped him up in early July and we made a comfortable, private space for him in my knitting room. We were worried that the scars from Mulder would result in Feline HIV or leukemia or something, but after a vet visit, I am happy to report that he's completely healthy. Toothless is only about 15-16 months old. He weighs around 10 pounds. We have his neutering scheduled for July 27. The vet also told us that he's a very timid cat. Her exact words were: "He's not very brave." He's not the type to fight or spray (he has never sprayed at all, which was a miracle). She said that when confronted, he will run away or hide. :-( My poor, little Toothless.

He's still getting used to the house and his siblings. Luna is behaving most deplorably, if I do say so. I think she's a little jealous. I am most concerned about her being evil towards him. My other concern, albeit much less, is Hercules. Herc has always been rough. He's also frickin' HUGE now. I think he's got to be 20 pounds. He could really put some hurt on a cat as shy and small as Toothless. But Herc's not evil, just big and rambunctious.

So, there you have it. And UGH, I just realized that I now have to change my header AGAIN!

Speaking of Idiots on Facebook...

2011-07-07T13:24:00.004-04:00

Warning...RANT to commence in 5...4...3...2...1...

So yesterday this random woman, who I will call Moron, who was in my friends list (a person who I friended through a friend because of a stupid, bullshit game or petition or something that I can't even remember at this point because it was so long ago) posts the following status update and it showed up in my news feed:

"It's official.. signal at 12;20 it even passed on tv. Facebook will start charging this summer.If you copy this on your wall your icon will turn blue and facebook will be free for you. Please pass this message if not your account will be deleted. p.s, this is serious the icon turns blue, So please put this on your wall."

So, I KNEW halfway through reading it that it had to be fake. False rumors about Facebook charging for their services have been circulating for several years. In about 4 seconds, I did a Google search and found several articles confirming that it was indeed a hoax and not to re-post it on your page.

OK

I posted the link to the article as a comment to her post. This is the link:
http://www.hoax-slayer.com/facebook-icon-blue-hoax.shtml

Moron already had about 8-9 comments on there from her apparently LEGALLY RETARDED friends like: "OMG WTF BBQ! I will go back to MySpace!" and "I'm posting it right now! I can't afford to pay!"

So some douchebag (A dude who's profile pic was---I'm not kidding---a woman's nude ASS) posts right after my link: "I'm not clicking on any links, my computer is slow as it is! I'm not screwing it up more."

I responded: "It's just a link to an article confirming that this is a hoax and not to spread false info on your Facebook pages."

So Moron responds: "Yeah, I'm not either."
And responds again, to clarify: "not clicking the link, I mean."

I went APE SHIT. I was like WHAT?!?!? Yeah, I'm going to knowingly spread a virus to people in my friends list? RAGE. So, I said to myself, "You all want to be ignorant jerkoffs with your heads up your asses? FINE."

DELETE. I deleted her and about 10 other people who were "friends" by the same definition.

But this stupid, inconsequential, meaningless bullshit pissed me off for the entire rest of the day and even this morning.

I swear, sometimes Facebook is like "watching retards trying to hump a doorknob." Thank you, Patches O'Houlihan.

Finally!

2011-06-15T09:11:00.012-04:00

I got a decent enough picture of Moonie to use in the header! She's the 2nd from the right (in between Titus & Luna). And, how do y'all like the new look?

We're still trying to get poor Moonie used to us and our house. She loves the other cats; it's Todd and I that she hates. LOL Well, maybe. I think she must have had some horrible trauma in her life at the hands of people. People are such freakin' idiots sometimes. So it makes sense that she's still so leery of us. The rest of our feline family are mostly ambivalent towards her, which is a little sad, but certainly better than hissing and fighting. So, I'll take it!

I also think she's way older than we or our vet originally thought. It's so hard to tell their ages once they get beyond about age 2. I'm thinking maybe 10 or so.

The other issue is getting her to use the cat door into the garage where the litter boxes are. See, we have been leaving the flap up for her since February because she didn't seem to know how to use it any other way. Normally, we could just gently get behind a cat and help them go through it until they learn (which is usually immediately; we've never had any issue before). But she hates us and won't let us get within 10 feet of her, let alone touch her. This wasn't an issue until the last month or so when it started getting VERY warm. The litter boxes are more stinky than usual and they attract flies. Todd is pretty meticulous about keeping the boxes clean. Bless his heart, he sifts them out twice a day. But it's still getting to be a problem now that summer is almost here and the hot weather will be more prevalent. We've always prided ourselves that, upon entering our house, nobody would ever be able to guess that we had even ONE cat, let alone 6.

Anyone know of any good ideas how to get a shy cat to use the cat door without traumatizing her further!?

In knitting: I'm almost done with my Helix scarf. It looks great and it's a simple pattern to learn, but it is tedious! Lots of short rows makes it take 3x as long to knit! Plus, I'm knitting it with sock yarn on size 5 needles. Hey, less time in purgatory. It's a free pattern too, but I think you have to sign up for a newsletter to access the patterns on the site. Here's the link.

I finished my alpaca socks, they turned out loverly. And I cast on another pair of socks in the Deborah Norville yarn because that yarn is nicer to work with in the summer. I like to always have a pair of socks on the needles!

I am going to make this mosaic scarf for my boss, who is stepping down as the department chair (and therefore won't be my boss anymore either) on September 1. I'm extremely nervous, but the person replacing him is VERY competent and seems really nice. Anyway, I'm using Rowan Felted Tweed yarn in a midnight blue and a sagey gray. The yarn should arrive any day in the mail.

I've made a few Christmas ornaments for a disaster relief package that my friend Marsha will be sending to a close friend of hers whose family was deeply and devastatingly affected by the Tornadoes in Joplin. These were a quick and fun knit! I might make more for myself and family members too.

These are the balls (Free pattern from DROPS):

I also knit up a ball using some left-over mohair/wool/acrylic yarn with sequins that I used to make a shawl. I improvised this a little by adding some rounds in the middle to make it bigger. This was a little painful to knit because I held the strands doubled, and used size 1.5 needles, and the yarn has absolutely NO stretch or give to it at all. Also, I had to finish it with the wrong-side out because that's where all the sequins seemed to want to land! Not sure if I will give this one with the package. It might be too weird for the tastes of Middle America!

Then there is the Oisin Owl. Another free pattern (link is through Ravelry). This was super easy and fast to knit. Everyone that sees this falls in love with it. I have like 4 family members who all exclaimed "AWW! I want one!" I embroidered the eyes, beak and feather details on the front afterward.

I'd like to knit myself a couple shrug/bolero/cropped cardigan kind of things. When the scarf for my boss is done, that's probably what I'll try next.

Times, they are a-changin'

2011-06-08T16:06:00.004-04:00

Ok so I am going to change the look of this blog very soon and upload some new photos of my cat family (since my poor Sophie is no longer with us and we now have Moonie, who we rescued in January).

And I think I will use the Instagram pictures from my iPhone. I love the look of those photos. Here's a preview of a couple!

Orson

Luna

Titus

Things That Make You Say, "Hmmm..."

2011-04-29T11:48:00.018-04:00

There really isn't a delicate or demure way to segue into this post so I'm just going to dive right in.

Menstruation is horrible. I hate every second of it. Every 28 days or so I violently curse my womanhood audibly and often in public. I'm not sure why we as a gender haven't changed the name to "35-year, monthly gore and torture fest." I might start a petition. There are few things that ameliorate the situation. Ibuprofen being the stand-out champion in my book. It is nearly impossible to be even the slightest bit comfortable (physically or mentally) for the duration of the monthly catastrophe. But now, after having suffered though 27 years -- and counting -- of this nasty business, I've built up a decent level of resistance to its evil and tolerance for its unfair necessity.

BUT

Every once in a while something comes along in this timeline of feminine existence that leaves one scratching her proverbial head.

I'm talking about reusable, handmade, sewn/knitted/crocheted "feminine products." Really?

Like this, for example:

Here's the etsy link, if you want to buy this as a gag gift (both literally and figuratively). Read the description. This mo-fo is 1/4 inch thick. Yeah, SO comfortable. Awesome. Also, he's the stupidest, most proportionally-bizarre pirate I've ever seen. Blargh.

Or this:

Why the Battenburg parasol? Hmm? Just curious. This is a crochet menstrual pad. Here's the link to buy the pattern, if you have completely lost your mind.

I saw this on Ravelry today. One person commented, "wouldn’t it go through the holes???" Which is, indeed, a valid question and a much kinder, gentler question than the one I was very tempted to pose, which was, "What the fuck?"

Imagine folding over those "wings," and then putting any pair of pants. 'Nuff said.

Or my personal favorite:

Yeah, I don't use normal, hermetically sealed tampons because I think they are gross.

Everyone else getting a picture of actually USING these? Hope you're not eating.

The designer also claims, "I have used these personally for most of the last year, and I can attest that they are comfortable, easy to make, easy to insert and remove, and they absorb as well as a commercial tampon." Uh huh. Riiight.

And for $.50 you can own the pattern to make as many of these darlings as you want. Hmmm...these would make good cat toys, now that I think about it. Whew, that's a relief. Now at least I can look at the picture and apply a more pleasing image of Titus batting one of these around the floor.

For as much as these items are intended to "free" women from the oppression of the evil corporate entities that make feminine products and to bring eco-social-green-whatever consciousness to the forefront, they, in fact, do the exact opposite. Also? They are rigoddamndiculous.

Two points:

1) Think of the time, money, and energy spent making these (albeit, the first one is ready to use but I have seen patterns for sewing them) and then having to wash and sterilize them. I don't know about you, but I don't find that very liberating, nor very eco friendly. I hate my period enough as it is, let alone to have to bear the constant resentment of making and cleaning my own sanitary accessories. Not that I don't believe that I should be responsible for my own body. I should, and I am. But I am not about to be guilted into making my own menstruation pads because of landfills/pollution/global warming, etc. Thanks for making the argument that a woman's ecological footprint is somehow bigger and more insidious than anyone else's. Isn't this the reverse of freedom: to be chained to this biological function that I have no control over? I don't identify myself as a woman because of my period. And I certainly am not willing to waste any more time obsessing over it. I am more than that.

2) You know maybe back in the day when the activities of women were relegated to afternoon tea, needlepoint samplers, and decoupage, these might have been progressive. But for any female from about 1850 to present, they are a hindrance to basic existence. The thought of donning any one of the above atrocities angers me beyond all comprehension. We are not frail, sedentary dolls who come down with frightful cases of the vapors anymore. Moreover, I've never been a slave to fashion. Anyone who's ever seen me knows what I'm talking about. But, I can't imagine any modern, normally-fitting garment worn below the waist working well with 1/4-inch-thick inserts in my panty. How about, oh I don't know...WALKING? Hmm? Am I supposed to just lounge about all day for a week? Recall that it is 2011 and women do not have that luxury (certainly no woman I know). I can't even begin to fathom the level of discomfort associated with those knitted tampons.

Yowza

2011-03-02T13:35:00.006-05:00

This movie

is not what it appears to be. At all.

Though gorgeously rendered in eye-popping detail, I could not get beyond one simple fact: this was the most depressing & disturbing kid's movie I've seen in...well...ever. Monster House runs a modest second. Wait. Forget kid's movie. Change that to ANY movie. What makes it so awful? How about kidnapping, torture, slavery, war, and genocide. I swear that 15 minutes into the film I was just about ready to open a vein.

SO BEWARE.

Time For Me To Brush Up On My Crochet...

2011-03-02T00:13:00.003-05:00

...'cause I think I really need to make this:

Yes, that is Peter Tork.

What a Find

2011-02-24T12:45:00.005-05:00

I stumbled across this website today while looking at the newly-added patterns to Ravelry's database:

A Rarer Borealis

If you are a sci-fi dork like I tend to be, you'll love the references to classic 1960s Star Trek episodes and the knitting that was inspired by them.

Also if you just like the look of vintage stuff, or are interested in vintage knitting patterns, then this site is a real find! Super interesting stuff.

I mean check THIS out:

Wow...just wow. Talk about a labor of love. Hey the pattern is offered FREE, too. Don't all run out and knit this, now....

D'Oh

2011-02-10T11:50:00.006-05:00

So I sensed something was wonky while knitting the pinwheel last night. I re-read the pattern and realized that I was increasing too frequently. I need to increase the outer, reverse-garter stitch rounds every 6th round, not every other round. Oops. Which also means that I have more to knit in order to finish than my original reassessment determined. I think I have about 18 rounds left. But I'm committed to getting it done! So I'm not discouraged.

I don't think it's a disaster (I hope). I'm going to explain what I did here just to get the mathematics out of my brain before it angrily augers through my skull and out my forehead.

The pattern rounds are
1-Purl
2-Knit,
repeat 3x, but on the last K round (round 6), increase 1 in every section (there are 8 sections). Yeah, also? That is counter-intuitive to me. Knit just always seems like it would be first. And I change the color on every 18th round.

Ok. So when I first re-started, it looked as if I had completed 9 rounds of the color I was working with. And the next round was definitely a knit round and I increased (round 10). Then I purled round 11. I increased again on round 12 (where I was supposed to), then purled round 13. I realized my idiocy before knitting round 14, so I didn't increase here, then purled round 15. By this time I noticed that I couldn't do another 2 rounds with the color I was using, so I switched a little early. I don't think anyone will notice. So I attached the next color and will knit (round16) and then purl (round 17) and then increase where I'm supposed to again on round 18.

So, technically, I'm only 1 set of increases over what I should have, right? I think I can live with that and move on.

I'm supposed to bind off once I have 392 stitches. I counted last night and I have 376. With the increase on round 18, I'll have 384, then again on round 6 it will be 392. But, since I did that wacky extra increase, I think I'll go 6 more rounds and make it 400 stitches on round 12 (which will technically be round 14 because I changed the color early). Then I'll knit 2 rounds straight to make it 16 stitches of the color, THEN bind off. Maybe. I mean I might just do a little fancy thing for a couple of rounds with the next color (because I sure as Hell won't be doing that loopy I-cord thing; I'd REALLY lose my mind entirely). Depends on my level of patience at that moment!

Does this make sense to any person out there whose brain isn't as addled as mine? LOL

Resurrection

2011-02-09T14:59:00.005-05:00

Hi. How are you? Remember...this?

Yeah...poor, poor, pitiful Pinwheel Sweater. It's been languishing unloved, un-celebrated, and unsung in a knitting bag since June 2008. For some unknown reason I got to thinking about this sweater last night. Maybe it was the yarn (Lion Brand Cotton Ease), which I liked working with, or maybe the colors, which I also think are calming and work well together, or maybe it was the recollection that I was 75% done with the thing, but I suddenly wondered, "Uh...why the frak didn't I ever finish this??" Clearly, I liked the yarn, the colors, and the pattern enough to get it to near completion. There is NO seaming involved at all here. The sleeves are picked-up and knit down to the cuffs. WTF is up with me?

So at 11:45 pm I yanked it out of the bag. The counter I was using for this project was as multi-function plastic sheet of calculations that you could slide little check-points up and down-- much fancier that your plain ol' vanilla row counter. So you could determine what row, what stitch, how many repeats, if you were increasing or decreasing and how many times you needed to do that. Neat when I first got it. But utterly useless to me at this point. It might as well have been in Chinese. I felt a sense of terror come over me. Maybe this is why I stopped? Something went wrong and I have to rip the thing back to the sleeve holes?

I glanced at the project on the needles and it came to me almost instinctively: you're knitting this round and you need to increase 1 in every section (there are 8 sections).

So I did. Then I purled the next round (400 stitches...whimper). But, it wasn't...terrible. I mean when I knit the ruffle scarf (Ooh La La), I had to purl 1600 --- yes 1600 --- stitches PER row for a couple rows and I survived with my sanity (mostly) intact. And I also realized that I only need to knit a few more rounds then bind the thing off! Again, I was bemused by my actively avoiding finishing this sweater for over 2 and half years.

Long story short (too late), I'm finishing the son-of-a-bitch, hopefully by the end of the month.

Famous last words, right?

You've Come a Long Way, Baby

2011-01-20T14:39:00.004-05:00

I posted this list to my blog almost 4 years ago. ACK. I thought it might be fun to compare my knitting experience then to what it is now. Kind of a nice pick-me-up to show how far I've come and how much I've learned. I've put (done) next to anything not originally in bold face.

Knitting Meme

Bold for stuff you’ve done,
italics for stuff you plan to do one day, and
normal for stuff you’re not planning on doing.

Afghan/Blanket (baby)
I-cord (done)
Garter stitch
Knitting with metal wire
Shawl
Stockinette stitch
Socks: top-down (done)
Socks: toe-up
Knitting with camel yarn (done)
Mittens: Cuff-up (done)
Mittens: Tip-down
Hat
Knitting with silk
Moebius band knitting
Participating in a KAL (done)
Sweater (if baby sweaters count) (done adult too)
Drop stitch patterns
Knitting with recycled/secondhand yarn
Slip stitch patterns
Knitting with banana fiber yarn (done)
Domino knitting (modular knitting) (done)
Twisted stitch patterns
Knitting with bamboo yarn (done)
Two end knitting
Charity knitting
Knitting with soy yarn (done)
Toy/doll clothing (done)
Knitting with circular needles
Knitting with your own handspun yarn
Slippers (done)
Graffiti knitting (knitting items on, or to be left on the street) (NEVER)
Continental knitting
Designing knitted garments
Cable stitch patterns (incl. Aran) (done)
Lace patterns
Publishing a knitting book
Scarf
Teaching a child to knit
American/English knitting (not continental)
Knitting to make money (done, not much, but still)
Button holes
Knitting with alpaca
Fair Isle knitting (done)
Norwegian knitting
Dying with plant colors
Knitting items for a wedding (done)
Household items (dishcloths, washcloths, tea cozies…)
Knitting socks (or other small tubular items) on circulars (done)
Olympic knitting
Knitting with someone else’s handspun yarn
Knitting with DPNs
Holiday related knitting
Teaching a male how to knit (maybe)
Bobbles
Knitting for a living (Ha! -- I wish)
Knitting with cotton
Knitting smocking (done)
Dying yarn
Steeks
Knitting art
Fulling/felting
Knitting with wool
Textured knitting
Kitchener BO (done)
Purses/bags
Knitting with beads (done, pain in the ass)
Swatching
Long Tail CO
Entrelac (done)
Knitting and purling backwards (done. Not good at it, yet!)
Machine knitting
Knitting with self-patterning/self-striping/variegated yarn
Stuffed toys (done)
Baby items
Knitting with cashmere (done)
Darning
Jewelry
Knitting with synthetic yarn
Writing a pattern
Gloves (done)
Intarsia (done)
Knitting with linen
Knitting for preemies (done)
Tubular CO
Freeform knitting
Short rows (done)
Cuffs/fingerless mitts/arm warmers (done)
Pillows
Knitting a pattern from an online knitting magazine
Rug
Knitting on a loom
Thrummed knitting
Knitting a gift
Knitting for pets
Shrug/bolero/poncho
Knitting with dog/cat hair (NEVER)
Hair accessories
Knitting in public

Where is Normal

2010-12-21T13:14:00.004-05:00

I realize that nobody wants to read posts written by (or heaven forbid listen to) people who are complaining all the time. And I feel like in recent years, well, that's about all I ever do.

In the words of the infinitely wise Joel Hodgson, "What IS right with you??" That's the problem. NOTHING seems right with me. It's just one stupid thing on top of another, compounding my frustration, depression, anxiety, and stress. I am allowing uncontrollable forces affect me in ways that I never thought possible. I've always been the stoic stalwart of stability, patience, and calm. Yeah, not so much lately. And by lately, I mean like 7 years. I just want to be normal again. Where are you, normal? Why have you abandoned me?

Ok so, what's my pain-in-the-ass problem today?

Hair. Or rather, lack thereof.

You know, I never had beautiful hair. Not even nice hair. Ever. I accepted it. Sure, it's curly, which to some people is gorgeous. But honestly, my curls have never been those shiny, luscious ringlets that bounce and cascade down like gleaming satin ribbons. Ppfft. My hair has always been a tangled mess of split ends, knots, and frizz. Since I was able to sit in a chair, my mom had my hair chopped off into a style-less, short, nappy helmet. Shirley Temple, I was not. A sheep maybe.... It was manageable for her and that's all that mattered.

Not until I got into high school did I attempt to consider long(er) hair. I'd always wanted it. But I think years of butchery (by Frank Ruggieri) pretty much ruined my hair, leaving it limp, thin, and lifeless. Growing it long and somewhat healthy was an enormous challenge and I never quite achieved it. As punishment for my 2-year attempt (Sophomore & Junior years), sometime in the early part of Senior year (fall 1989) I got head lice. If you've never had head lice, get on your knees right now and thank whatever deity you believe in that you were spared from this horror. If you have had head lice, but were a child, then you can only minimally understand what effect these little buggers have. If you were like me --- a 17-year-old young woman --- when you got head lice, then you know the mental and emotional strain that existed for the next 15 years of your life. You were panicked beyond all human reason every time you showered, or saw a speck of anything on your shirt, or got an itch on your scalp, or felt a stray hair on your neck or forehead. It was AWESOME.

Aside from a barium enema (also done in high school), having head lice was probably the worst physical experience of my entire life, because the mental and emotional stress that lasted for years post-beasties is truly remarkable. I seriously think I had post-traumatic stress disorder.

I'd noticed as I got into my twenties that my hair, despite looking like a wild, thick, poofy nest, was actually quite thin. The curliness obscured the fact that my hair was neither thick nor healthy. And every year, I notice that it's getting thinner and thinner. Frustrating, sure. But never in all my wildest nightmares did I ever expect what is happening to me right now.

I've been diagnosed with alopecia areata, which is spot baldness. I have a rather large bald spot right at the top of my head toward the front. And by rather large I mean a 2.5-inch diameter circle. Nobody really knows what causes alopecia areata, nor what will cure it (swell). They DO know that's is an auto-immune disorder. Apparently most auto-immune problems are extraordinarily difficult to fix. So my immune system got stupid and started attacking my hair follicles as if they were foreign invaders. Thanks for that, A-I system, really.

I went to the dermatologist in early November and she gave me a steroid cream to put on it. It barely worked. There was a wee bit of regrowth, but not enough to actually fill in the spot. So I went back for a follow-up on December 15. Aaaand now there are TWO spots. Albeit, the second one is much smaller, maybe 1/2 an inch in diameter. But it's in a spot where I can't see it (top and back of my head). Since the cream was only marginally effective, she gave me several injections of steroids right into my scalp in both bald spots. I have to see her again on January 12. I've been trying to be optimistic, I really have. But it's just been so depressing to look in the mirror for many reasons, and this diagnosis was the straw that broke the camel's back.

It is likely that I got this because other people in my family have/had auto-immune issues. Well that's certainly true. Both my grandmothers had rheumatoid arthritis, my sister had chronic fatigue and adrenal failure, my mom has eczema, and my aunt has a thyroid problem. I'm batting 1000 here. Another factor is STRESS. Many people who are predisposed to auto-immune disorders (raises hand) will experience some kind of auto-immune response to prolonged stress. (There's that pesky word again.) So my sister got chronic fatigue, I got bald. AWESOMESAUCE.

I've been tested several times for a thyroid problem and every time I come back "in range" for acceptable thyroid function. I'm not convinced because I have about 13 of the 15 possible symptoms for Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. Can it really be a coincidence? But I digress.

Ok so, if stress is a catalyst for auto-immune problems, and indeed I AM stressed about a great many things, then when will I ever get better? The answer is NEVER. This hair problem is stressing me out to the ends of my sanity. How can I NOT be stressed? It's impossible. With everything going on in my life, especially in recent years, my stress levels must be off the charts. There is no way for me to control this. Short of hitting a multi-million-dollar lottery, which would solve a multitude of problems, there is little that I can do to lower my stress levels or avoid stressful situations. (Believe me, money CAN buy happiness.) My whole existence is one stressful situation into another.

So, wait, there's MORE awesome to this tale!

Yeah, remember when I mentioned that I noticed that my hair has been getting thinner and thinner over the years? I didn't imagine that. The dermatologist noticed it too. So in addition to the alopecia areata, I have androgenic alopecia as well. I am losing my hair ALTOGETHER! Can I tell you how fabulous this makes me feel? You know, karma, if you're going to give me a condition that predominately affects men, then why not give me the other perks that are associated with increased testosterone: better muscle tone, and a sex drive. No, of course not. Welcome to the rest of your life, Gina --- a life of Rogaine and fatigue, anxiety and bitterness.

And I'm supposed to NOT be stressed?

Thanks, Herc!

2010-11-27T13:16:00.004-05:00

Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father; prepare to die.

Yeah...so, Thursday into Friday morning, Hercules decided that some ghost of Thanksgiving past wanted him dead. Since he sleeps in-between Todd and I, his quickest path to make a panicked exit was via MY FACE. He missed gouging out my right eye by about 1/4 inch. I don't know if you can see the little puncture marks around my eye. But he did manage to give me a loverly slice on my right cheek. Awesome.

I Forgot About This

2010-11-23T11:12:00.002-05:00

Hey everyone! A few months ago I was asked to give a little interview about this blog on Blog Interviewer (http://bloginterviewer.com). It's super short, but it's finally up and the link is finally working!

Also, thank you to whoever it was among you all that the nominated me for this. Apparently, you have to be identified by others as someone who might be worth an an interview. So thanks!

Here's the link.

The Thrilling Conclusion to the Blanket Saga

2010-11-15T13:09:00.024-05:00

Much like the original Star Wars trilogy goes the story of the smocked diamond baby blanket.

First, there was Episode IV: I introduced the blanket, explained where the pattern came from and how interesting and lovely it was. (Incidentally, I DID win that old Paton's pattern booklet where the pattern came from. There are some really neat patterns in there, particularly the bed jackets, which were oh so popular in the 1930s and 1940s.) But...these aren't the droids you're looking for....

Then there was Episode V: the dramatic and tense episode, where the joy of the finished product was quickly dashed by the blocking horrors caused by the evil Darth Wires; I lost a hand and then Orson got frozen in Carbonite.... Ok, not really.

Um, MOM! I am NOT frozen in Carbonite!

Now I give you Episode VI: good wins over the evil blocking wires and there will be a mega Ewok dance party at my house this weekend. Bring snacks and a panflute! \m/ \m/ (throws up the horns!)

So, it finished blocking and I removed the wires. It looked like I dragged the corners and one edge through the La Brea Tar Pits. I didn't know what to do to fix this. Spot cleaning didn't seem ideal. So...I tossed it in the wash. Now, it was superwash merino. And I used the most gentle cycle possible --- "hand wash"--- on the washer and gave it a double rinse to make sure all the detergent residue was gone. I'm not sure what I was so hesitant about because it washed up beautifully.

BUT

It also stretched out a lot. So a 29 x 29 blanket was now 38 x 38. It looked like a lace kerchief. Not so great.

I tried to hand shape back into a square, as you can see in the pictures. It looked ok; it was mostly square. So I left it there to dry and started another little project (which I will talk about later on). After about 40 minutes or so I started to think that I didn't like how the blanket was going to turn out. So I went back to it, picked it up and then tossed it into the dryer and prayed that the Force would be with me.

DUN DUN DUN!

I used the "angels-blowing-swan-feathers-around" intensity on the dryer (actual setting: delicates) for about 20-25 minutes. I waited on pins & needles to see if I totally ruined this thing or it would come out looking like a washcloth. I mean, I've heard that superwash doesn't necessarily mean superdry. My socks take a beating in both the washer & dryer because Todd launders them. And he puts everything on the "construction-worker-concrete-and-mud-encrusted" industrial setting. But, the socks that I've made are with a wool and nylon blend, so I imagine that helps. This yarn was 100% merino wool.

DING! Dryer cycle over. Did Han & Leia get the shield generator down???

Why, yes, they did!

I am amazed, pleased, and extremely lucky that the blanket turned out as nicely as it did:

The yarn totally blossomed out and the pattern just pops right off the surface. The stitches seemed to tighten where they needed to and to spread out where necessary. The yarn overs around the diamond parts look especially good and even now. It's soft as a cloud and the size is just about what the original blocking was. I don't know whether to credit the yarn or the decency of the washer/dryer (probably a little of both). The yarn is Queensland Super Aussie. I HIGHLY recommend it. I got mine from Webs.

I have to say, I was a little worried about the diamond parts. While I was knitting them and even during the first blocking, they looked very lumpy and irregular. Plus each diamond's tip was a p5, which looked strange and loose no matter how tightly I pulled the yarn. Looks great now. I can't believe it.

GRRRRRRRRR

2010-11-12T10:45:00.006-05:00

Dear KnitPicks:

"The first time you use your blocking wires, wipe them with a soft cloth to remove manufacturing residue."

With regard to the quoted sentence above, which is directly from the product description on your website: Yeah, please put that on the tube that houses the wires... in bold... and in size 96 font.

Also? "Manufacturing residue" doesn't quite cover what it really is: BLACK MACHINERY OIL. Which, by the way, never really comes off entirely, despite SEVERAL vigorous wipe downs.

Very disappointed that I threaded one of these filthy wires into the IVORY MERINO BABY BLANKET THAT I SLAVED OVER FOR 2 MONTHS because you didn't put the "wipe that shit off the wires" warning on the tube.

Sigh x 10000000,

An infuriated knitter.

It's October, Y'all

2010-10-08T13:08:00.010-04:00

How did THAT happen? Time forever seems to escape me. Sigh. So I wanted to post some knitting stuff, purchases, etc. from the last month or so.

My good friend, Jen, is having a baby girl in January. So since late August I've been knitting up some goodies for her new addition. She's going to get a lot of knitted stuff from me. Ha ha. Gotta love Ravelry and the folks that put free or relatively inexpensive patterns up there. I don't think I've purchased a knitting book since I've joined Ravelry 3 years ago. Anyway, I digress.

First I knit a Garter Stitch Baby Bath Wrap:

Here's a link to the pattern, if anyone is interested. But really, it's a giant diagonal dishcloth with a hood attached. I'm sure even a beginner could figure it out. However, I could NOT figure out how to do the fancy, i-cord castoff for the hood part, which is what sets this pattern apart from it being just a giant dishcloth. Steam was pouring out of my ears, I was taxing my brain so hard. So I ended up just seaming it closed inside-out. It looks fine, I think.

Incidentally, colors for the baby's room (or as I say, "habitat") are green and yellow with a touch of orange. I had this yarn in my stash (Filatura Lanarota Circus) and it worked out perfectly. I got this yarn years ago from Smiley's online. It's been long discontinued. Super-nice cotton "roving" with acrylic color filaments. Very soft and great to work with. Wish I could put my hands on more, but it's not commercially available anymore and few people are willing to part with theirs on Ravelry (understandably)! Anyway, I really like it when I can work from my stash. Makes my random purchases somehow seem valid and awesome.

Next I knit a Breezy Baby Blanket:

Again, here's the pattern. A really fast, neat-o knit! I've seen something similar to this pattern where the dropped YOs are actually stockinette stitches. I think it's called Lizard Ridge?

Anyway, this is similar to that in appearance, but infinitely faster and easier, I think. For one thing, you are doing triple YOs and dropping them. And there are no short rows at all! No brain torture!

The yarn for this is Plymouth Bella Colour. I got 7 balls in this colorway (which I think was called Sherbet) from Discontinued Brand Name Yarn last summer. It an aran weight 55% cotton/45% acrylic blend that stripes rather beautifully. I used a little more than 4 balls, so about 440 yards total. How awesome is it that I had yarn in a vibrant lime, orange, and yellow colorway?? SCHWING!

I like this pattern a lot. So I am going to make a wrap for me in this pattern. Something that I can use in the winter in my flippin' cold house while watching TV or sitting in bed knitting or reading. I bought some striping aqua/chocolate yarn from Joann that I think will look cool.

Then I knit a Cotton Candy Baby Jacket:

I've knit this little baby sweater about a dozen times. No, seriously. I can just never remember to write about it or take pictures. This pattern is in a book called Hip Knits. It's one of the first knitting books I ever bought, in fact. I like most of the patterns in here. On Amazon, it's only got a 3-star overall rating (I gave it 4 out of 5). I don't know why. I think some people expected it to be "edgy" or "trendy" based on the title. Whatever. It's a decent book, in my book!

This is the first time I made it with the hood, as the pattern dictates. I always just made it a regular crew neck in the past. I like the hood!

So this yarn I got on clearance from Webs. It's darling. It's called Starship by di.Ve'. (WTF kind of name is that for a yarn company?) Anyway, it was cheap! I think I got it for $2.99 a ball. I used 3 balls and I have one left over. This colorway was called Parrot. I made 3 buttonholes in the front (as you can see) and only just Wednesday did I get myself to Joann's to buy buttons for it. So now it's completely done.

Wait there's more!

The Knitted Bunny:

Pattern link. Some patterns beckon me with a siren's song, and this is one of them. This is one of the most unique and wonderful patterns I've ever seen. I'm shocked that it was free.

Basically, you knit a square in stockinette and then with strategic seaming and a little pillow stuffing, you turn it into a bunny. It's amazing how it works.

I thought about sewing a face on it, but I like it just plain. The pattern mentions how to make a tail. (By taking a crochet needle, you just yank out a tuft of the stuffing right at the butt. Ingenious.) But since this bunny is going to be for a baby, I thought a tail wasn't a great idea. Believe it or not, I knit this in Sugar & Cream dishcloth cotton. The colorway is Buttercream. I used 1/2 a ball. Seaming was a little challenging at first, but the end result is well worth it. I see many more of these in my future. I already knit another in a fuzzy alpaca yarn for a friend's daughter. Just too cute.

Ok so the last thing I'm knitting (I think it's the last thing) is a Diamond and Smocked Cover. I don't have a photo of this yet, as I'm only about 7 inches into the project. But it's gorgeous. You can see it here. This was a "free" pattern, but the link to it doesn't work anymore. It's originally from an OLD Patons knitting pamphlet from the 1940s called Beehive for Bairns, Vol. 2. Some of the knitting jargon is a little odd. But I am managing through it ok. For example, instead of indicating a yarn over by today's standard, "yo," it says either "w.o.n." or "w.r.n." Yeah. I was like whaaaaaa?? But basically it means YO, depending on if it's before a knit or a purl stitch.

I just noticed that someone was selling the pamphlet on e-bay, so I bid on it. It's a 64-page booklet, so I imagine there are other undiscovered knitting treasures in there! This pattern is truly a thing of beauty to behold. I am using a cream colored 100% washable merino wool called Super Aussie from Queensland Collection. This yarn is so nice to work with. Very soft and light. So this item will be more of an "heirloom" knitted item. I hope to have it done by mid-November, which is when her baby shower will be.

September 25 was Knitters Day Out (KDO). I had a much better time this year than last year. (Well aside from the ghastly lunch that they foisted upon us a part of our registration fee. $15 wasted. Grrr.) Mostly because my wrist was in a splint last year and it was pretty painful to do anything. As always, I lumbered around the knitting vendors area in-between classes at the conference, drooling and stuttering. Financially, I'm still digging out of a hole, but I decided to splurge a little and get a couple amazing things from independent yarn shops. Time for show and tell!

First, I fell in love with the color of this yarn:

The color is called "Dill," and it's a sport weight 50/50 wool and alpaca blend from a local vendor in PA called Bearlin Acres Farm. I've purchased yarn from them every year I've gone to KDO. They are lovely people and have amazing yarns. And now they have a shop on Etsy! Man, I'm in trouble! :-)

I'm going to use this yarn (held double) along with a black wool worsted yarn I bought from them last year to make a felted bag. This bag, actually, but without the music bar and notes and I want to strap to be longer.

As I wandered around the vendor booths repeatedly, I kept passing this amazing yarn, copping a feel every time I went by:

I lurve the color and it has amazing luster, too. It's a deep taupe or mushroom color. I came to learn that it's the natural color of the goat that gave the fleece. Yes, I said goat. It's 50% mohair and 50% wool. Most of you who know me also know that I really can't do mohair. Even yarns with small amounts of mohair are usually so unbearably itchy that I steer clear.

Not this yarn. This feels like alpaca or a merino silk blend or something similar. It's amazingly soft and pettable. Not exactly cheap: $24 for 250 yards of worsted weight. But worth it, I think.

I learned a lot about mohair from the vendor, Steam Valley Fiber Farm. Basically most of the mohair found in yarn that is commercially available from major yarn companies is crap. It's the fleece from a very old goat or a goat that has been shorn so many times that their mohair is coarse, wiry, and itchy. Poor goats. The best mohair is from young goats and/or from goats that have had a limited number of shearings. So, I'm wondering what to do with it. Maybe a cowl of some sort? I'll think of something. Maybe I'll go pet it some more.

So that's about it so far for my creativity. I did make and post the pattern for the Sweet Kitty glasses case. Here's the link to it on Ravelry. All-in-all, a pretty creative month!

Call the Men in the White Coats

2010-09-22T09:12:00.008-04:00

Because this guy needs a straitjacket STAT. I mean, seriously? At least it's a free pattern. And if anyone of you makes this, I will stab you.

Can't see things in Ravelry?

Ok...

"Um...what the hell is it," you ask? "That can't be a...."

"GRAPE COZY???!?!??!" Sigh. It is.

You know, some days I feel like I may have crossed the threshold into insanity, then I see things like this. Some other lunatic commented on this in Ravelry saying, "I love this! This would also be nice for a little hershey kiss or some m & m’s. Thanks!" SURE. Apparently crazy is now an airborne disease.

If I start knitting cozies for individual pieces of cat-food kibble, please have me committed.

That is all.

Sweet Kitty

2010-09-20T23:37:00.004-04:00

So I designed a little eyeglass/notions/camera case with a kitty motif on it (of course). After much trial and error, I finally got the cabled cat to actually look like a cat and not some sort of mutant, hunch-back, overgrown owl!

Here's the back:

The pattern should be up and available as a PDF on Ravelry soon!

Update

2010-08-24T22:27:00.004-04:00

So it's been two weeks since I've started watching my refined-sugar intake. I'm happy to report that I'm feeling better than I have in a long time. Most notably:

1- I sleep at night. When I go to bed, I fall asleep in 10-15 minutes and I don't get up until the morning. (Although once or twice I woke up with a cough and went to get a drink of water. Sometimes the A/C or ceiling fan will dry my throat out and cause me to cough.) The last several mornings I've been waking up before the alarm, too.

2- As a corollary to the above, I feel more comfortable in the bed. My hips, knees, ankles, elbows, and shoulders all seem to hurt a lot less. I can actually lay on my side and rest my knees against each other without feeling like I just hammered into an invisible bruise. I feel more comfortable sitting on the couch or in the recliner.

3- Swelling in my hands and fatigue in my limbs is also less noticeable. I get less tired during the day or from doing every-day tasks (like unloading the dishwasher).

4- I've been eating something for breakfast every morning, always within an hour of waking, and at least 11 out of the 14 mornings I was actually hungry.

5- Not eating the sugar has caused me to make better choices overall with food. So I haven't been over-indulging. I have had a few minor cravings (which I think are actually more like impulses than actual cravings) but usually, a drink of water or tea kicks that in the butt. I'd also like to mention that I honestly don't feel deprived either. I recall in the past when I've tried to get back on the weight-loss wagon that I would adopt this sort-of martyr persona. Maybe it's because my primary goal isn't weight loss and I am feeling better already, but I don't feel like some kind of freak who "can't eat like a normal person."

6- My skin, which never really had a "problem," per se, looks and feels better. My face definitely feels smoother and I have way fewer weird dry patches. I feel like my skin looks brighter. I also have a little brown spot on my right cheek. It's been there for at least 7 years. At first, it was about the size of a corn flake and very light. I did have a dermatologist look at it and it's Melasma, which is fairly common among women who have taken any hormone-related drugs, including birth control. It's gotten a lot smaller (more like a rice crispie), but also more concentrated in color in recent years. I swear on my yarn stash that it seems to be smaller and less concentrated than it was 2 weeks ago.

7- My general mood has improved, despite some rather stressful occurrences in my life at the moment (i.e., my crazy, red-neck, next-door neighbors and having an employee resign from her job in the middle of a huge project). I feel less likely to despair and whine about things that used to cause me great agitation.

8- My pants are looser and my bra feels just a little less squeezey around my upper torso. I didn't put myself on the scale when I started, but I would venture a guess that I've lost somewhere around 5-6 pounds.

9- The night sweating has, indeed, stopped. I have also nearly completely recovered from the flu/cold symptoms I had last week. I have been a little sneezey but I do think that is a real allergy issue that I have (thanks, Delaware).

All in all, I feel better and feeling better is super encouraging to want to keep moving forward. Granted, I'm not perfect. And I'm sure there's something I'm eating that probably isn't great for me. (Picked beets? Anyone know if this is a bad food to consume? I had a slice of pizza for lunch, too.) But at least it's not cookies or cupcakes or Butterfingers.

Human Experiment

2010-08-19T13:30:00.006-04:00

As many of you who know me have come to learn, I have some mysterious health issues. Nothing serious --- at least I don't think so. But ever since I entered my thirties, I've noticed a major decline in my health. I can't really pin-point it with great specificity, but I can say that
ever since I had my gallbladder removed in April 2003, it's been a massive struggle for me.

It's easy for me to blame that laparoscopic cholecystectomy on everything. Hey, let's blame that for the BP oil spill too. Why not? Every malady I've had since April 2003 I've attributed to that tiny, missing organ. But what I'm just starting to realize is that the blame lies with me. I've basically punished my body ever since I was a kid, either by overeating, or eating ridiculous things, or not exercising, or a combination of all of those. And now it's payback time. My entire body is going Jean-Claude Van Damme on me.

I recall being in 6th grade, staying up late at night to watch David Letterman (yes, I was a weird kid and probably the only 11-year old that crept out of bed to watch Letterman). During the commercials, I'd comb through the kitchen looking for snacks. I ate everything from cookies, to Tastycakes, to pepperoni, to Bisquick (yes, I'd eat this out of the box --- I hang my head in shame), to bread with mayo on it, to cereal...you get the idea. Other times, I'd be playing Atari 2600 while devouring an entire bag of cheese curls while washing it down with Frank's pineapple soda. When I hit age 15, my gastrointestinal system revolted on an epic scale. Gee, I wonder why? I spent most of my high-school years getting upper and lower GIs, barium enemas (the worst physical test that a human being can ever experience), ultrasounds, etc. I lived in fear of stomach distress and spent most of the time in the house. When I did manage enough courage to go out, I carried Kaopectate, Tums, Maalox, Donnagel, and Pepto Bismal in my bag without fail. I was a walking pharmacy. There was a time when I knew the location of nearly every public rest room in center city Philadelphia and the surrounding areas. How sad is that?

Is it any real surprise that I had to have my gallbladder removed or that I have peculiar health problems today?

In the last 4 years or so, I've noticed other issues creeping up that I never experienced before, such as fatigue, joint pain, swelling, hair loss, depression, weakness, back pain, insomnia, and migraines, severe allergies, and tonsillitis, to name a few. I had lost about 60 pounds between January 1999 and August 2000, which I kept off for about 4 years, but now have pretty much all gained back, as of today. Aside from being mentally & emotionally distressing, this added weight exacerbates many of the physical problems I mentioned. I'm nearing 40 and I need to figure out what's wrong with me asap. Not that 40 is ancient --- I certainly don't think any ostensibly normal, "healthy" 40-year old should feel as rotten as I do --- but it's not 21 either. I need a better, more healthful approach to the last half of my life.

All that being said, I've been playing detective with food over the last few weeks. Summertime is always bad for me. Actually, once May rolls around, it's very difficult for me to eat well. Between May & December life becomes a never-ending stream of birthdays, anniversaries, vacations, holidays, work functions, family visits, etc. But for some reason, this summer has been a little epiphany. Never have I been more acutely aware of the amount of sugar that goes into my body. It's scary and a little disgusting. I started noticing that I was feeling exceptionally BAD a few weeks ago. And then I realized that the amount of sugar that I consumed during that time period was off the charts. I sensed a correlation.Now when I say sugar, I mean sugar or corn syrup, etc. I don't mean fruit or bread or pasta. Reading nutrition labels and scouring ingredient lists on packaged foods was something I used to do regularly, back in my Weight Watcher's days. It's really disheartening to see that a 6-ounce cup of YoPlait light yogurt has 15 grams of sugar in it. HOW? It's just a little cup of yogurt for criminy's sake! I just looked on the American Heart Association's website for information on the recommended amount of added sugar that a normal, adult female should be eating per day:

"The American Heart Association recommends limiting the amount of added sugars you consume to no more than half of your daily discretionary calories allowance. For most American women, that’s no more than 100 calories per day, or about 6 teaspoons of sugar [which is about 25 grams]. "

Uh...yeah. I've been eating like 4x this much sugar a day, at least. Usually I would eat a breakfast bar around 10:00 am (which has 11 grams of sugar) coupled with a 12 oz cup of coffee. Then lunch was yogurt and a granola bar with fruit. Well the yogurt has 15 grams of sugar and the granola bar I usually eat has 12. Then at about 2:30-3:00 I was starving and wanted to snack on something. So I'd eat either a couple mini York Peppermint Patties (like 2 or 3) or another granola bar type thing. So each of the mini Peppermint Patties has 9 grams of sugar. Eating 2 means 18 grams of sugar. That is insane. Then dinner was whatever I could find in the house or we order something out (another awful habit I'm trying to break). This is a lot of sugar to eat during the day (added up it totals 56 grams) and that's not even including dinner. But if you think that's bad, the REAL problem is after dinner. I feel like my dinner never satisfies me. So I end up snacking a lot between 6:30 and 10:00 pm. Mostly stupid, bad crap like cookies or chocolate-covered raisins (half a box of Raisinets has 27 grams of sugar) or a Smart Ones dessert cup (I linked my favorite one) or sometimes ALL of those things and even more. So that by the time I am hitting the pillow at night I've consumed at least 100 grams of sugar --- added, white, non-naturally occurring sugar --- in any given day, probably well over. This kind of reckless eating is taking its toll on my aging body. So I decided a week ago to stop eating this kind of sugar. I'm not going all NO-CARB and I won't ever do that. I don't think I'll even stop eating pasta or corn or white breads (although I will probably make better choices). At least for now, I am just cutting out foods that have too much refined sugar in them.

I read a lot online about sugar sensitivity and addiction. And I fall into both categories. One very eye-opening thing I read was that eating too much sugar causes your body to go into "starvation mode" overnight. The sugar elicits a brain response similar to that of a person going through a time of physical stress, such as starvation. It gives a false sense of security and well-being. (The extreme of this feeling is what happens to people at the end of their lives, especially if they die during a trauma. I'm sure you've heard of people who have "near death" experiences reporting feeling a calm, peaceful presence or warmth.) Anyway, as a result of excessive sugar consumption, people with sugar addiction almost never eat breakfast. In fact, the thought of eating first thing in the morning seems repulsive. So they don't eat. Then by 10:30 am they crash and grab the first thing they can, usually something sweet because it starts giving that false sense of security. And the cycle continues. This is me, 100%.

Since cutting sugar, I've woken up the last 3 days HUNGRY and wanting to eat. In fact, I woke up on Tuesday feeling almost ravenously hungry. I've been told by a nutritionist and I've read from several sources that one should eat within an hour of waking and that it should be a protein and a complex carbohydrate. So I've been eating a hard-boiled egg and a banana over the last couple of mornings. I must say that I feel good until nearly lunchtime, which is a huge switch for me. I've been much less inclined to want to eat sweet things and I feel satisfied with meals in general. I've been sleeping more soundly and waking feeling rested. I generally feel less fatigued and my joints seem to hurt less. All in all, positive things! And it's only been about a week.

Now the downside...

I am going through some withdrawal symptoms. For instance, I woke up not only hungry the last couple of days, but also soaking wet with sweat. Seriously, I have been sweating like a pig. I hope that ends soon. I also had what felt like flu symptoms on Monday: seriously bad chills, fever, body aches, sore throat. They have subsided, and I now have sinus congestion and sneezing. My histamines have kicked in and are fighting a perceived threat. I read that this was a common symptom of sugar withdrawal. Sugar can really affect your immune system in a bad way, especially if you're like me and have a sensitivity to it. This could be why I've seemed to be prone to an abnormally high number of sinus and throat infections over the last 3-4 years.

I can't believe it's taken me years and years to figure this out. How dense can a person be?

Ok so what HAVE I been eating? Well, surprisingly, I'm eating less food overall, yet feeling more satisfied. As I mentioned, I've been eating a hard-boiled egg and a piece of fruit nearly every morning. Over the last weekend I ate mini shredded wheat with almond milk** and slices of banana. Lunch has been hummus and whole-wheat pita with either carrots or grape tomatoes and a piece of fruit, sometimes a few slices of a light cheese as well OR tuna on stone-ground wheat crackers with the carrots &/or tomatoes and fruit. Dinner is a little more challenging for me. Last night I ate cheese ravioli with just olive oil and basil as the sauce. It was actually very tasty. Other nights I've made eggs, or pierogies, or have had fish with brown rice or I've eaten the hummus with pita combo. Dinner is accompanied by a vegetable and usually a piece of fruit afterward. I have to say honestly, I haven't felt really "snacky" in the evenings lately. But the few times I have felt little peckish I've eaten fruit, or crackers with cheese or a little butter on them, or a few pretzels, or a few almonds & cashews (nuts sometimes wreak havoc on my skin, so I try to avoid them, usually). Earlier in my experiment, I made wheat toast with some sugar-free strawberry preserves on them. But now, I really don't crave that level of sweetness.
I'm usually drinking water or hot tea (love me some peppermint or chamomile). I may have had a glass of Diet Coke once or twice. Astonishingly, I seemed to have also been able to put my caffeine addiction behind me. I haven't had or wanted a cup of coffee in over a week.

In my online research over the last several days, I stumbled across the following advertisements for sugar, brought to you by Sugar Information, Inc. How crazy are these?:

WHAAAAT? So sugar causes one to UNDEReat? Uh huh. And it's a good idea to eat a sugary and probably fatty ice-cream cone so that you won't eat your normal mealtime food, which might actually have some nutritional value? Sure.

And this one....
The "Note to Mothers:" at the bottom right reads:
Exhaustion may be dangerous -- especially to children who haven't learned to avoid it by pacing themselves. Exhaustion opens the door a little wider to the bugs and ailments that are always lying in wait. Sugar puts back energy fast -- offsets exhaustion. Synthetic sweeteners put back nothing. Energy is the first requirement of life. Play safe with your young ones -- make sure they get sugar every day.

Make sure they get sugar every day??? Welcome to 1966.

Or how about this delightful ad from the Soda Pop Board of America?

My mind is officially blown.

** A note about almond milk: I adore it. I went to a nutritionist --- very briefly--- a few years ago and she suggested unsweetened almond milk as a good cow-milk substitute for me. I asked about soy milk, since that's what everyone seems to drink as a cow-milk substitute. She mentioned that for what I was experiencing in my body, soy could actually aggravate it and make it worse. I already have higher levels of estrogen than most women, so soy was not a good choice for me. I continue using the almond milk because I think it tastes awesome. It's also very low fat and low calorie too. This is the one I use. I highly recommend it for folks who have sensitivity to dairy and who may not like the taste of soy.

Hideous Knitting 101

2010-08-12T12:27:00.013-04:00

Time for another thrilling session of Hideous Knitting 101.

Nothing quite defines "classy" as looking like Charo in the afterlife. Well, at least this is what I picture Charo wearing in her afterlife. Don't get me wrong, I lurve Charo. I think she's funny, looks amazing for her age (although I'm sure surgery was incorporated a few times) **, and plays a damn good flamenco guitar.

I...just don't want to emulate her on my WEDDING DAY.

Cuchi-cuchi, indeed.

I present the

"Pristine Wedding Gown"

First of all, blatant misuse of the word "pristine" always pisses me off to no end. Pristine basically means primitive, or something that is in its original state. It's not really a good adjective to describe a new, hand-made garment, unless, in this case, Oxford English Dictionary has concluded that pristine also means "ugly."

Secondly, I realize that this is crochet, not knitting. There is something about crochet garments that look, well, more tawdry than clothes constructed by other means (sewing, knitting, fan dancing, etc.). Oh and the designer used the word "elegant" to describe it (tee-hee). Now, my grandmom was an expert crocheter. She made more crocheted toys, hats, scarves, sweaters, blankets, tablecloths, doilies, curtains, and ponchos (before they ever were cool) than you can shake a stick at. And we loved and cherished every last one of them. But there's something different about a 7-year-old wearing a crocheted sweater on Easter, than a grown woman wearing a crochet wedding gown.

Hideous Knitting (er, I mean Crochet) 101 report card:

Style: D "Live from Caesar's Palace Casino right here in fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada: The incomparable CHARO!" Also, what's with that sort-of webbing on the arms? Looks like she walked through Shelob's lair on the way to the altar. I'm also reminded of the Carole Burnett skit in which they parodied Gone With the Wind. She came traipsing down a grand staircase wearing a hilarious dress made from the window curtains, rod sticking out from the shoulders and all. When Rhett asked her where she got the dress, she replied, "I saw it in the window and I just couldn't resist it." Well in this case it would be, "I saw it on grandma's table and I just couldn't resist it!"

Fit: F This is one of the most ridiculous applications for crochet that I've ever seen. Also, can you imagine how much something like this weighs? I think Dickens should have had the ghost of Jacob Marley wear this instead of dragging chains around. I'm sure this is much heavier and it's most certainly more frightening.

Color(s): B- Well, it's a wedding gown, for Pete's sake, so it kind of HAS to be in the white-to-beige sort of color range. Although, the designer has stated that you could make this as a "prom dress, ballroom dress or awards dress" (whatever THAT is). Imagine making this for your daughter to wear to her prom. Better make it in white, beige, light pink, or black because those are the only colors in which you can get a full-length slip! And from the looks of it, you're going to need one! SIGH I suppose you could dye a slip to match.... What a pain in the patootie!

Yarn: INC I guess we really have to buy the pattern even to determine what yarn to use --- or gauge. But from the photo, it sort of looks like a size 5 crochet thread (which in knitting terms is about a sport weight). I would imagine it's cotton, since most crochet thread goes that route. OMG. I just had a terrifying thought. What if this was crocheted in...acrylic? AAAAGGGHHHH. The horror...the horror.

Execution: B- I must admit that I am impressed with the stamina possessed by the person(s) who crocheted this. My major complaint with execution is that the entire weight of this dress is concentrated on what appears to be 4 or 6 angel-hair-width straps. The thought of having the entire weight of a crocheted, full-length (with a train) gown pulling on eensie-teensie straps is causing my shoulders to weep at this very moment. There, there, sweet shoulders. I wouldn't do that to you!

**SIDE NOTE: My dad always buys a current World Almanac. And the World Almanac always lists celebrity birth dates, and deaths. Every almanac I've ever seen indicates that Charo was born in 1941, making her 69 years old. However, Charo now says that she was born in 1951. This seems really disturbing and absurd since she was married in 1966 to a 66-year-old man. SHUDDER. Maybe she wore this when she got married....

Dear Barbara Walker:

2010-07-20T11:19:00.005-04:00

You seriously rule for inventing ssk (slip, slip, knit). I can't tell you how much ssk beats the living snot out of k2togtbl, especially on sock gusset decreases. I will come kneel at your feet at this year's KDO in September. So when a chubby chick with crazy, curly hair starts cow-towing before you, it's me.

Forever in your knitting debt,

Gina

A Public Service Announcement

2010-07-07T10:00:00.004-04:00

If you are in the market for a luxury yarn --- particularly cashmere or a cashmere blend --- then I HIGHLY recommend ColourMart.

They have truly beautiful yarns in nice, lovely, natural, workable colors for extraordinary prices. I just got 420 yards of light worsted cashmere for $36, shipping included. Colorway is called "dust." The best way to describe the color is that it's a light gray beige.

It's even nicer in person. I plan on using it as the main color to make the Folk Art Scarf. Link is to free Ravelry pattern.

Now I'm being tempted by a luscious plum-colored aran cashmere...$32 for 330 yards, shipped.

Commence sitting on hands in 5...4...3....

A Picture Is Worth 1000 Words

2010-06-30T11:59:00.028-04:00

So here's a (mostly) pictorial update of the last three (URGH) months.

April 2010:

Falling out with Mom & Dad on Easter. Didn't speak to them for almost a month. Not fun. But it's in the past and I've moved on (for the most part). Things are hunky dory now.

In knitting:

Shawl for brother-in-law's wedding in May. Ice Yarns mohair sequin is THE BOMB.

May 2010:

In knitting:

Shrug to be worn at some festivity of the wedding.

Dale of Norway Svale yarn. Nice stuff. Used three strands at a time to get gauge. Super nice pattern (Glamour Shrug on Ravelry). Took only a DAY to knit. Will make it again.

Scarf done in same pattern like that shawl.

Using a sport-weight yarn I got on Ravelry. Shunklies was the seller. Gorgeous colors. Called "candy shop." Light, airy, and squishy. Have enough yarn to make another, which I am! About 1/2 done that one.

Pocketbook slippers. Finished a pair for my mom, forgot to photograph it. This is one of a second pair. Haven't cast-on the second. This pattern is surprisingly tedious....

Brother-in-law's wedding on May 7. Wore the shawl for all of 15 minutes in the hotel bar post-wedding at night. Why? Because it was in Florida and it was freakin' 98 degrees the whole time we were there. Actual nuptials were outside on the beach. Caryn, my new sister-in-law is a dear and she looked so gorgeous. I don't know what her secret was, but I looked like a disaster in the heat & humidity. Also, I looked like Orca. I felt horrible and embarrassed the whole time. I hope that they don't have any photos of me. I tried to be as invisible as possible. I seriously feel gross and enormous. But that's another story entirely....

May 9: My birthday and Mother's Day. Had a strained lunch celebration of both events at a Chinese restaurant with my parents. First time I saw them since Easter. It was fine.

May 23: THE END OF LOST. I died a little.

June 2010: The month of unbelievable disaster.

June 2:

The less said about this, the better. In short: Todd was alone in the car, driving home on I95. Got rear-ended. Was the 3rd car in a 5-car rear-ending accident. Car totaled. Todd's 100% fine.

We got a Toyota RAV 4 to replace Big Red (which is also Red).

Sigh.

June 7: Learned that a childhood friend of mine committed suicide. Probably one of the last people I'd ever expect to do such a thing. Very upsetting. Went to his service on June 10.

June 8: Learned that a childhood friend of mine --- for whom I was the maid of honor at her wedding --- is getting a divorce. Deeply saddened. I know it's the right thing for her to do, but still.

June 28: Todd's boss decides it would be swell to cut his hours down even further (maybe just for the summer, but I'm not holding my breath) to TWO days a week. Lovely.

In knitting:

My neighbor across the street had a baby girl sometime mid-April. (named her Isla, neat name). Made a Katja halter top, but I made it longer so it's more of a little dress

Used Plymouth Bella Coloura yarn. Making another of these for my niece (see below).

Lots o' dishcloths for a friend's housewarming party:

Katja for Aubrey:

Here it is blocking. I think it's too big, but she can wear it next year, if that's the case!

Used TLC Cotton Plus yarn.

Today, June 30, is Todd's birthday. He's 39. We're heading down to The River for a little vacation either tonight or tomorrow morning. We SO need a break.