Thursday, April 23, 2009

Hideous Knitting 101

Alright, it's time for another exciting installment of Hideous Knitting 101. Today's fashion faux pas is...this...thing:

So my reaction upon seeing this on Ravelry the other day was, "What the fuck?" And after a couple of days thinking about it, my reaction to the above knitted "garment" is still, "What the fuck?" The fact that 4 people "favorited" this stupid thing is a scary indicator that mental illness is now an airborne disease. This pattern, which, BTW, is called "Boyle Apron," comes from a new book called Maggie's Ireland: Designer Knits on Location---a book of the most absurd knitting patterns I have seen in a long time. Not since Loop-d-Loop have I laid eyes upon such nightmares. Want to see a few more? How about this:

Or this apparent Irish tribute to Rabbis?

Or this equally stellar candidate for the "What the fuck" awards? I *think* it's a shawl:

Yes, all these disasters from ONE book. And there are MORE. Lots more. Anyway, back to the Boyle Apron...

Hideous Knitting 101 report card:
Style: F I don't even know. I mean seriously. It's a thing that you cover your crotch with? I remain.
Fit: D First of all, how does this thing, you know, stay on? I can only assume that you tie it on. Second, it has NO purpose whatsoever. Why would you spend the time and money to knit yourself an apron, if you intend to USE it as an apron? Foul. I doubt anybody really would use this as an actual apron. So are we to assume that one would knit this solely for decorative purposes? Uh huh. Sure. I'm going to guess that this is a pricey thing to knit, since they indicated some brand of Irish linen to make it.
Color(s): D WHAT colors? In fact, nothing in the entire book is in any color but tan, brown, beige, white, ivory or navy blue.
Yarn: B Maggi's Knits Irish Linen: 52% cotton, 48% linen. Worsted weight. 126 yards per ball. (Um...Made in Spain!?!? WTF!?) Natural fibers are always a plus. The yarn does come in more colors than just shades of brown, so that's nice. This yarn runs about $8 a ball. Not terrible, but be prepared to spend $48 to knit a useless crotch flap.
Execution: C- It's a long rectangle with some textured squares and some other squares in a different color. Whoop-de-do. Not visually interesting nor awe-inspiring from a technique standpoint.
Just...don't make this. Ever. If I see anyone wearing one of these, I will have to bitch-slap them.


Corinne said...

LMAO....OMG, that was good!....and you were right about ALL of it!!

Strike My Fancy said...

Love your blog. This is hilarious. The last time I was in my LYS the salesperson approached me with a pattern book they were apparently selling that could only be called "knitwear for pole dancers". She thought it was ridiculous and we had a good laugh over it although I was probably subconsciously jealous that I no longer have a good enough figure to wear such creations.

Gina said...

Ah yes, a book out of the "kntting for dirty whores" collection. I am familiar with a few of those!

The main reason why I am apposed to knitting bathing suits, thongs, and teddies is that...well...they go right up against one's naughty bits. Which may not always be the best areas to place your lovingly, painstakingly, hand-knit garment.