Tuesday, September 29, 2015

"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."

Elegant Scoop Neck Sweater

Elegant.  Right?  It does say elegant?

Because when I think "elegant," my mind immediately goes to droopy, deflated breasts encased in fine-gauge alpaca while standing against a tree in the OBVIOUS cold. Come on. 

Just because you have small breasts does not exempt you from wearing some undergarment if you plan on being photographed -- outside -- while specifically modelling a knitted close-fitting sweater.

The saddest set of all.

Also? You are about to be rounded up by the posture posse. But that's another story entirely. Also, also? That's not really a scoop neck. Almost. Not quite.  Good thing, too.  I mean, had this been an actual scoop neck, I have the feeling I'd be seeing a rather uncomfortable amount of knobby sternum....

I don't hate this sweater. I actually LIKE it. I'd consider knitting it. But it's almost $8 for the pattern and I'm a cheap jerk.  Plus, it's a fairly conventional design that I could probably figure out on my own anyway.

Anyway. Trust me, I hate wearing a bra.  HATE IT. And the fact that I'm a DD cup exacerbates the discomfort with or without a bra.  But I do it every day because it would be greatly disturbing to a great many living things if I did not. And being bra-less isn't exactly all that comfortable or practical either in my workplace setting. Do I even need to discuss appropriateness? Heck, I'm bra-less right now in a tank top.  But it's 9:10 pm and I'm sitting, alone, in front of my laptop at home.  How's that for a visual?

Yes, you are correct.

Monday, September 21, 2015

Illegal Use of a Cable: 15-Yard Penalty...

If knitting were a major sporting event, this garment should basically just forfeit.  I can't even begin to explain the multitude of eye-assaulting, taste-battering faults committed by this one knitting pattern.

Let me just sum up what I see:

Knit sideways in super bulky, reverse-stockinette (or garter), cropped, cowl-neck with a gigantic, poorly executed cable right across the bust, extending to the ends of the elbow-length sleeves.  The whole thing is just FOUL.  Maybe the color is passable?  It's bordering on teal, though.  And y'all know how strongly I feel about teal.


It hurts.

Like getting cleats in your face in a soccer match, socked in the jaw by a hockey puck, or slammed at the line of scrimmage by a truly "offensive" lineman.

Anyway, I stumbled on that crime against wool up there while searching for a knitting pattern for a winter pullover that featured an interesting use of a cable or cables.  There are several contenders, but I stopped dead in my tracks at the sight of the above, utterly dumbfounded.

Leaning towards one of these: