Thursday, August 12, 2010

Hideous Knitting 101

Time for another thrilling session of Hideous Knitting 101.

Nothing quite defines "classy" as looking like Charo in the afterlife. Well, at least this is what I picture Charo wearing in her afterlife. Don't get me wrong, I lurve Charo. I think she's funny, looks amazing for her age (although I'm sure surgery was incorporated a few times) **, and plays a damn good flamenco guitar.

I...just don't want to emulate her on my WEDDING DAY.

Cuchi-cuchi, indeed.

I present the

"Pristine Wedding Gown"

First of all, blatant misuse of the word "pristine" always pisses me off to no end. Pristine basically means primitive, or something that is in its original state. It's not really a good adjective to describe a new, hand-made garment, unless, in this case, Oxford English Dictionary has concluded that pristine also means "ugly."

Secondly, I realize that this is crochet, not knitting. There is something about crochet garments that look, well, more tawdry than clothes constructed by other means (sewing, knitting, fan dancing, etc.). Oh and the designer used the word "elegant" to describe it (tee-hee). Now, my grandmom was an expert crocheter. She made more crocheted toys, hats, scarves, sweaters, blankets, tablecloths, doilies, curtains, and ponchos (before they ever were cool) than you can shake a stick at. And we loved and cherished every last one of them. But there's something different about a 7-year-old wearing a crocheted sweater on Easter, than a grown woman wearing a crochet wedding gown.

Hideous Knitting (er, I mean Crochet) 101 report card:

Style: D "Live from Caesar's Palace Casino right here in fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada: The incomparable CHARO!" Also, what's with that sort-of webbing on the arms? Looks like she walked through Shelob's lair on the way to the altar. I'm also reminded of the Carole Burnett skit in which they parodied Gone With the Wind. She came traipsing down a grand staircase wearing a hilarious dress made from the window curtains, rod sticking out from the shoulders and all. When Rhett asked her where she got the dress, she replied, "I saw it in the window and I just couldn't resist it." Well in this case it would be, "I saw it on grandma's table and I just couldn't resist it!"

Fit: F This is one of the most ridiculous applications for crochet that I've ever seen. Also, can you imagine how much something like this weighs? I think Dickens should have had the ghost of Jacob Marley wear this instead of dragging chains around. I'm sure this is much heavier and it's most certainly more frightening.

Color(s): B- Well, it's a wedding gown, for Pete's sake, so it kind of HAS to be in the white-to-beige sort of color range. Although, the designer has stated that you could make this as a "prom dress, ballroom dress or awards dress" (whatever THAT is). Imagine making this for your daughter to wear to her prom. Better make it in white, beige, light pink, or black because those are the only colors in which you can get a full-length slip! And from the looks of it, you're going to need one! SIGH I suppose you could dye a slip to match.... What a pain in the patootie!

Yarn: INC I guess we really have to buy the pattern even to determine what yarn to use --- or gauge. But from the photo, it sort of looks like a size 5 crochet thread (which in knitting terms is about a sport weight). I would imagine it's cotton, since most crochet thread goes that route. OMG. I just had a terrifying thought. What if this was crocheted in...acrylic? AAAAGGGHHHH. The horror...the horror.

Execution: B- I must admit that I am impressed with the stamina possessed by the person(s) who crocheted this. My major complaint with execution is that the entire weight of this dress is concentrated on what appears to be 4 or 6 angel-hair-width straps. The thought of having the entire weight of a crocheted, full-length (with a train) gown pulling on eensie-teensie straps is causing my shoulders to weep at this very moment. There, there, sweet shoulders. I wouldn't do that to you!

**SIDE NOTE: My dad always buys a current World Almanac. And the World Almanac always lists celebrity birth dates, and deaths. Every almanac I've ever seen indicates that Charo was born in 1941, making her 69 years old. However, Charo now says that she was born in 1951. This seems really disturbing and absurd since she was married in 1966 to a 66-year-old man. SHUDDER. Maybe she wore this when she got married....

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