Friday, December 11, 2009

Hideous Knitting 101

Time for another installment of Hideous Knitting 101.

Did you manage to bag a muppet on your last hunting expedition to Sesame Street? Don't know what to do with the nappy carcass? Might I suggest this?

This lit bit of fuzzy insanity is the


Yeah, that's the title as it appears in Ravelry, caps and all. No, I'm not making that up.

It will cost you $4 to learn how to make this atrocity. I'm not making that up either.

My faith in knitting humanity has been slightly restored, as only 2 people have favorited this pattern (one of them ME so I could remember the details for this post). Nobody made this other than the "designer" that posted it. It is, however, in 2 queues. SIGH.

It's hard to tell from the photograph what size this is. According to the pattern, it can be 34, 37, 40, or 43. Ok. Well, even if it was the 34, it STILL looks WAYYYYY too small to fit on any adult, female body that I know of, with the possible exception of Kate Bosworth. But even she couldn't get her bobble head in that opening! Think about it. The top appears to be laying on a tile floor. Most ceramic floor tiles are no bigger than 12 x 12. Well no wider than ONE tile and definitely shorter than 2 tiles. So, it's 12" across the bust and about 20" long from shoulder to hem. Um...yeah.

Hideous Knitting 101 report card:

Style: F There IS no style. It's a misshapen, teeny-tiny t-shirt.

Fit: F Good luck fitting a 34" bust into a 24" top! Maybe this would work as a dog sweater? Poor dog.

Color(s): D It was a sad day down at Fraggle Rock.... The world is your oyster here, so let's go for pseudo animal print so you can look like you ran into a baby leopard and caved it's head in with a club in order to get its pelt. Great choice!

Yarn: D Fun fur should never be used for a full-size garment. Period. But get a gander at her recommendations for yarn: "Plymouth ‘Flash’ or Gedifra ‘Technohair’ and a chunky weight yarn such as Sidar ‘Stampata’, ‘Cossack’, or Plymouth ‘Encore Chunky’. Can also use worsted weight fluffy such as Collinette ‘Silky Chic’ or Gedifra ‘Technohair Lungo’ held together with a worsted weight such as Plymouth Encore or Debbie Bliss Cashmerino Aran."

Wait, wait, WAIT. Hold the phone. Two things:

1) how is it possible to knit this in the same gauge by using two chunky weight yarns held together OR two WORSTED weight yarns held together? Foul.

2) Cashmerino Aran? Are you freakin' kidding me? Gedifra ‘Technohair’ runs about $6-7 a ball (also, it's spelled Tecno Hair) and Cashmerino Aran runs about $8-9 a ball. So $14-$16 per ball, basically, since we have to hold 2 strands together. And how many balls? Well, we have to buy the pattern to find out! But let's guesstimate; it's fun! It's 71 yards per ball for the Tecno Hair and 100 for the Cashmerino. Most short-sleeved sweaters use 400-600 yards. Since we're combining the yarns here and the sweater is the size of a large postage stamp, let's go with the low estimate and say we'll need 4 of each. So with a combined cost of about $15, we're looking at shelling out about $60 to make this thing. SIXTY DOLLARS. Thank Christ I didn't use the Colinette Silky in the estimate! That's $20 a ball JUST for the Colinette Silky.

"Make sure to buy extra yarn if you plan to make the body or sleeves longer" [No shit, Sherlock!].

Execution: D Is it me or is one sleeve smaller (the one on the right) than the other? And as I've mentioned at least two other times in this post, NO NORMAL, ADULT HUMAN FEMALE CAN FIT INTO THIS. This whole thing screams wanker fartass in execution. Just...bad.


Anonymous said...

C'mon, Gina! What if you want to dress like Pebbles or Bam-Bam for Halloween? :)

Kathy said...

ODG... I found your blog from the yellow house swap (just looking around, we aren't partners). This post made me laugh so hard I cried. You're friggin' hilarious.