Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Top Ten Things I Will Never Understand About the Harry Potter Universe

Ok. Don't get me wrong; I fairly enjoyed the Harry Potter series. I hung on my seat while reading certain chapters, wondering what would happen to particular individuals. I was tremendously sad a the untimely passing of Sirius Black. And all of that jazz. But sometimes...I just want to put my fist through the books and call shenanigans!

10. In a world where there appears to be no heaven or hell or any semblance of a religious deity at all, they still celebrate Christmas.

9. Where do all these magical people exist, if not among the "muggles?" I mean I was on board for Diagon Alley appearing out of the randomness of the bricks and the secret train that takes a long, winding journey to Hogwarts. But the Ministry of Magic, which seems to employ about 11 billionty people? The huge-ass Quiddich stadiums that hold what looks like countless quantities of people?

8. There are apparently no child-endangerment laws in the "wizarding world." Wait, forget the wizarding world, in ENGLAND? I find it excruciatingly hard to believe that Harry Potter's life of confinement and servitude "under the stairs" would have gone unchecked for 11 years. Don't even get me started on Dolores Umbridge.

7. Speaking of Harry being emotionally and physically abused by his aunt and uncle (the Dursleys), why on earth would Lily Potter leave her only, infant son --- for whom she sacrificed her own life --- in the hands of her embittered sister and cruel brother-in-law, both of whom she KNEW hated her and her magical existence? I guess living wills also don't exist in the wizard world either.

6. Doesn't Hermione have a freakin' time-turner? Um...can't she take some wizards with her, go back to when Voldemort kills Cedric --- or anyone else for that matter--- stop him?

5. As a corollary to #6: Since there are apparently ways to go back in time to confirm or even alter events of the past, then why is it that no one ever believes Harry when he says that "the Dark Lord has returned?" Every year he exhibits evidence that it's true, either by fighting Voldemort himself, or one of his minions. Yet, with the exception of his closest friends and a few folks at Hogwarts, everyone dismisses him. Isn't he the "boy who lived---" the most celebrated wizard EVER? And now nobody believes him? Right.

4. The Cruciatus Curse is illegal, but Veritaserum is not. So...why do you even HAVE trials of any kind? The whole trial of Harry Potter for using "underage" magic out of school (in Order of the Phoenix) was pointless and dumb. I mean, just give him the flipping serum! "Oh! But wait," you say...! "The serum might be unreliable at times, since some witches & wizards could be resistant to its effects." (That's convenient, huh?) Ok, then what about the Pensieve? Wizards can just use their wands to yank out the memories from their heads and put the silvery, slimy stands into the Pensieve and anyone who dares stick their head in there can see them.

3. Snape. I don't get Snape. At all. Someone really needs to tell him to get a life. Oh, but he's dead now, so nevermind. Yeah, ok, James Potter was a jerk to you. So what? Get over it, dude. Seriously. Don't take out your frustrations on students, particularly the ones who can (and DO) SAVE YOUR ASS on numerous occasions. And that whole story line of him being in love with Lily before she married James was ridiculous, maudlin tripe. He does have some rather funny lines and is amusing in some ways. But I will never understand the cult-like appeal that his character has to the masses of Harry Potter fans.

2. I probably wouldn't call a witch or wizard "stupid" to their face, but anyone who spends their hard-earned Galleons, Sickles and Knuts on the Daily Prophet is a complete moron. How is this the ONLY daily, widespread newspaper that exists besides Luna's and her father's crazy-ass, subversive publication, The Quibbler?

1. Galleons, Sickles, and Knuts. It's painfully obvious to me that wizarding folk need to exist and subsist in the muggle world. How the hell do they pay for things? You don't walk into a bank and say, "I'd like to exchange these 50 Galleons for British Pounds, please!" I suppose it's possible for a wizard to go into a "wizard" bank --- like Gringott's --- and ask for some muggle currency exchange. Fine. But where does Gringott's get the muggle money? The banks are run by goblins, right? So...WTF?

If a wizard dad and a witch mom spawn a PLAIN, OLD, DUMBASS KID, then where does this kid go to school?