How I Know Hell Exists

Here are my top 5 reasons why I know Hell exists:

5. Desperately unfunny and/or uninteresting TV shows like The War At Home, The OC, and American Dad remain on the air while great shows like MST3K, Firefly, and The Chappelle Show get canceled or otherwise derailed.

4. The over-PCing of Sesame Street. I grew up with the PBS gems: Sesame Street, Mr. Rogers, and The Electric Company---all very fine shows. My Sesame Street, however, looked a lot different than the Sesame Street as of late. Look people, I want my Count to count obsessively, stun people, and have thunder and lightening crashing around while he laughs like Vincent Price. Cookie Monster eats cookies, goddammit. He's not "carb conscious," you asshats. Telly is, single-handedly, the MOST annoying puppet, character, or cartoon ever created for children's television. Don't even get me started on the Satan-spawn known as Elmo. And what the hell did you do to Grover's fur, you sadists?

3. The Shittin' Bears commercial. Observe:

Whatever happened to Mr. Whipple? Hmmm?

2. The Bratz toy line. More specifically, the BABY Bratz toy line, which now brings us down into the deeper levels of Hell. I'd put Baby Bratz at about the 4th layer. I propose that the name for this line of toys be changed to Whorz. And now, oh THANK YOU, Lionsgate Films, for bringing us...Bratz the Motion Picture!

and the number one reason why I know that Hell exists is...

1. Rachael Ray. Her mantra should be: "I exist, therefore Hell does." That woman is in deeper with the Devil than Hitler. Every time I turn on the freakin' TV, her stupid, Joker-esque maw is spewing forth some bullshit. Look, Ms. Ray? Um, Rachael? Shut your EVOO, yum-o, sammy hole and get the fuck off my Triscuit boxes while you're at it. K? Oh wait, sorry, I have to say it so that you, as an evil succubus of the netherworld, can understand it: THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! Sigh. The only comfort I can take is this: when she dies, (which will be an inordinately long time from now because, hey, only the GOOD die young, or so my grandmom and Billy Joel said), she will, for all eternity have to be the sex slave to 6,164,789 mutant poop demons who look like Nick Nolte when he's having a particularly shitty day (no pun intended)--- oral too. Yeah, I went there.