Thursday, May 17, 2012

The Hell...?

I seriously don't know what the hell I'm doing or what's going on anymore about anything.  For one thing, I turned 40 last week.  Turning 40 was a lot like getting smashed in the face with a brick, while a camel kicks you in your naughty bits.  In the past, I couldn't give a rat's ass about my age.  Imagine my surprise when January 1, 2012 rolled around and I started to feel such an oppressive dread of May 9, that I fell into a deep depression (from which I am not much recovered).  I felt like I had a date with the gallows, and there was nothing in my power to stop my impending demise. 

Add to this the general malaise and stress of my job (which got increasingly worse between March and May, resulting in a rather unfavorable employee review earlier this month that, naturally, plunged me deeper into despair), plus my husband's now 17-month-and-counting bout with unemployment and--- well, it's a recipe for disaster. I can't even begin to count the tears shed on my daily train commute to and from work.  A couple times, my sadness and hysteria were so pathetic that I would be sobbing uncontrollably while walking from the train station to my office, literally stumbling along half blinded by tears, trying to hide my splotchy-faced bawling all the way.  Anyone who took notice of me must have thought I was crazy...and they'd probably be right.  I have not had a "weeping walk" to work in the last 2 months, so I guess that's an improvement.

Compounding my feelings of hopelessness and doom was the death of Davy Jones in February.  Seriously.  His death hit me like Mack truck.  In my childhood, teens, and even young adulthood, I think that the nostalgia for the late 1960s (particularly in the 80s and early 90s) was ever present in fashion, music, television and movies. Hence, the resurgences in the popularity of The Monkees throughout the decades.  They were very much a part of my life.  I owned all their music and a collection of their TV show on VHS, then later on DVD.  I realize that, technically, Davy Jones was not of my generation, but in a way, a little bit of me died with him.

Today I learned that Donna Summer died at age 63 from breast cancer.  I am devastated, once again.  It seems like as soon as I start to climb back up the ladder of normal human existence, something always clobbers me over the head and sends me tumbling back down to the basement.  Why bother to even have hope anymore? All roads lead to the same destination in the end.

In order to prevent me from opening a vein, I've been concentrating on knitting.  I started and completed the Channel Sweater in the last couple months.  This is a nice pattern with a lot of room for personal modification.  I used Knit Picks Risata yarn (sadly, discontinued a few years ago) in the regrettably-titled "Marionberry" colorway.  I have not tried it on since blocking it, but it fit just fine beforehand, so I'm not worried.  Unfortunately, I won't be able to wear it until like November.  Sigh.

I made a Wingspan scarf in the course of a week.  Cool pattern that uses just one 100gm ball of sock yarn (somewhere in the 420-450 yard range).  I used Mary Maxim's Step It Up yarn in the Tie Dyed colorway.  The intensity of the colors is really amazing. The yarn itself was fine, but not great.  I found two knotted joins towards the end of my project.  It was really annoying.  But the end result was good.

Last night I finished up a knitted Shower Puff.  Easy pattern, except for the sewing instructions at the end, which made no kind of sense to my addled brain at all.  I totally improvised, but I think it looks pretty good.  I just need to make a proper hanging mechanism, either crochet chain or i-cord.  I used Lily Sugar 'n Cream Scrubby yarn in green and yellow.  This yarn is only available in Michael's stores at present.  I tried to get it online because when I first saw it in the store, it was $3.99 a ball (only 68 yards, people --- RAGE). But, I couldn't find it anywhere online.  I went back to Michael's last week for something unrelated and noticed this yarn was 50% off.  So I bought a bunch of balls.  The yarn is all cotton and is a neat idea, but it's a little odd to work with.  And they really need to improve the yardage at that price if they are going to market it everywhere eventually.

 Dear, blogger:

I just now noticed after uploading 4 photos that you are FINALLY inserting the photos into the post where I want them, instead of dumping them at the top and making me drag them down through the post.


No comments: