Thursday, May 31, 2012

More Crap I Don't Get

Maybe I should have put this in a "hideous knitting" post, but I just DO NOT understand why these...things are suddenly so ubiquitous:

The baby net/cocoon/pod/wrap

Aside from looking ridiculous, can this be really comfortable for a baby?  I realize that these items are used primarily for "photo ops."  No normal person would use one of these for any practical reason.  Ok.  But WHY use it at all?  I cringe every time I see a poor baby crammed into one of these damnable fishnets.  The one pictured above is probably one of the worst offenders I've seen because it uses extremely thin yarn made out of silk and mohair.  I'm a 40-year-old, time-hardened adult and the thought of being nude while enveloped in a stringy, mohair net is making my blood curdle. 

Personally I feel that anyone who uses these to take pictures of their newborns must have graduated from the Michael Jackson Baby Handling Institute.  More atrocities against babies:

That CANNOT be comfortable on this poor kid's thighs.  "We're new parents and it's Christmas, so here's the perfect photo of our baby in a hobo sling covered in fake snow!  You're welcome!"

Yeah, this looks totally safe.  "Hey!  Great idea! Let's hang our baby in a goofy, holey hammock from the tiniest, and most unstably thin branches of our dogwood tree that we can find."  I hear sirens in their future....

My stars and garters, this is one of the ugliest babies I've ever seen.  It doesn't help that his red, squealing, anguished face is trapped in a lime green grocery net.

Is it me or does this kid have the saddest look on his/her face?  I'd be sad too if I was hanging from a tree, nude, in a burlap net.  Isn't this type of torture against the Geneva Convention?  I'm pretty sure it is.

Newborn belly buttons make me die a little inside.  UGH.  Cover that shit up.  Also?  It's never too early to train your baby to be a contortionist.


 Just add wind and, voila!  Brain-damaged baby. 

Now THIS is something I would buy.  If only because it's hi-larious:


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