Things I Learned From Living With a Dude For Nearly 10 Years

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I thought I'd share some random things I learned from living with Todd for nearly 10 years.

In no particular order:

1. A dude will put a container containing .0002 fluid ounces of beverage back in the refrigerator.
2. A dude will call you in another state at 1:00 am to ask you where the ketchup is.
3. A dude will only flush the toilet if they poop.
4. With the possible exception of your being completely nude, you look exactly the same to a dude every day, regardless of whether you have a cold, the Bubonic Plague, or are dressed like you are going to the Oscars.
5. Yes, they really drink straight from the milk carton.
6. A dude takes 3 times as long as you do in the shower. And a "quick" shower to them is 30 minutes.
7. A dude who does laundry will put your $75 bra in the same wash with the dishtowels he used to clean up cat vomit.
8. And they don't read labels.
9. On anything.
10. Unless there are scorpions, killer rats, and you are missing a cat or two in the thicket of dust, debris and cat hair, the carpets never need to be vacuumed. I mean, who are we trying to impress?
11. Want anything done? All you have to do is ask...
12. ...146 times.
13. The television is the most important appliance in your home. If that works, nothing else matters.
14. A dude will call you at work to ask you how to spell things.
15. If you send a dude to the supermarket, he will invariably come home with the same 6 items: toilet paper, ketchup, Reese's Pieces, tater tots, hot dogs, Diet Mountain Dew.
16. A dude will show you a rancid, slimy onion and ask if it's still ok to eat.
17. A dude with a headache = level 5 catastrophe.
18. A dude with a headache & stomach ache = level 10 catastrophe.
19. A dude with the Flu = the end of days.
20. A dude doesn't know the difference between a drape, a blind, a curtain, or a shade. Semantically, it's all "shade." Don't even TRY to further differentiate with words like "valance," and "tension rod." Their brains will change the attention channel to a recent South Park episode.
    
21. A dude will stare at a package of frozen french fries and ask you how to cook them. Every time.
22. A dude never decorates for any holiday; that there is work for the women folk!
23. You are expected to know where everything is in the entire house all the time, even things you didn't even know you owned.
    
24. You are expected to know the exact in-stock quantity of all consumable items in your home at all times.
25. You are expected to know every exit on every highway, byway, bridge, and back road within 200 miles of your residence.
26. You slaved for 18 hours in the kitchen preparing Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings. Upon seating your sorry ass down to finally eat, a dude will find the ONE ITEM you forgot to put on the table and ask you for it, usually as the first forkful of food you've seen in 24 hours is about 2 centimeters from entering your mouth.
    
    
    There is one living exception to most of the items above: my Dad, who does ALL the decorating, makes his own curtains without a sewing machine, cooks Thanksgiving dinner, and bakes pies from scratch. He knows where everything is in the house because he's the person that saves every receipt for every item he's ever purchased since 1965. Hence why I have lovingly nicknamed him "Highlander."

Halloween

One of the funniest things I've ever seen:

I Am Angry

I am so angry, I can't even begin to express in words the depth of the emotion. Perhaps it will help to explain why I am angry.

This 2008 Presidential Election.

I am in AWE at the deplorable and despicable depths to which certain political parties will go in order to spread their lies and filth. Every day I see and hear more infuriating claims ---STAGGERING ACCUSATIONS --- about how evil and deceitful Barack Obama is. I am sick of it. I have never in all my 36 years on this planet --- ever--- witnessed such blatant, sickening slander against one person. From the day Obama received the Democratic nomination, McCain's campaign has never been one for McCain, but rather, AGAINST Obama.

You know at one time, I thought it could really be about issues. I did. I couldn't understand why certain people would support the right-wing, conservative opinions of the Republican party, but I could respect the fact that it was their choice to do so. But it's not about issues. It's about the Republican party capitalizing on rampant ignorance, hate, and lies.

I swear to CHRIST if I hear one more person call Obama the "Anti-Christ," "Un-American," or a "domestic terrorist" I am going to go ape-shit insane. You know who really IS a domestic terrorist? The worst one we've ever known? He's sitting in the oval office RIGHT NOW: George W. Bush. He has forced a populace to live in complete and irrational fear --- a state of terror --- since September 11, 2001. We even have a color-coded "Terror-Level" indicator, which is usually locked on orange (one step below "oh-fuck-we're-getting-bombed-right-now" red)! Remember the weapons-of-mass-destruction debacle? And why? Keep the sheep terrified of invisible wolves so that he can make it look like he's fighting the fight against the "enemy" and protecting us when there really is no threat --- all to advance his own political agenda. How's THAT for terrorism?

I suppose I have been entirely too naive to think that in America, in 2008, we've all advanced beyond ass-picking, idiotic, racist fucks. What am I talking about? Shit like this or this or this. Take your pick.

Still, I stand in amazement at Obama's calm, intelligent, rational responses to such vile accusations and lies. They bait him and he doesn't take it. They insult him, question his integrity (SNORT); he won't go there. He's too smart. He really is someone to admire. This is the man I want to be president.

And every racist retard prick who calls him a "Muslim Anti-Christ" should look at how well Obama turns the other cheek. Isn't this the most "Christian" response of all?

The Sweet Smell of Accomplishment

It's a scent that I don't experience all too often, I'm afraid. However, I recently finished TWO knitting projects, both of which I am very proud of!

Ok so remember that scarf for the professor that I told you about a few posts ago? Done! I am really pleased with how it turned out. I hope he likes it too. I mean I don't want to insult him or anything. He's a nice person. So I just hope that my giving him the scarf doesn't send the message: "I think you look ridiculous wearing that crocheted nightmare as a scarf." Although he did give me a freakin' CAN OPENER for Christmas last year. Not kidding. Come on, I couldn't even make that up if I tried. Granted, it's a nice can opener, but still....

Anyhoo, here are some pictures:



Here's a close-up so that you can see the yarn. See all those colors? The depth of color in this yarn is amazing. It looks like Black Watch plaid in yarn form.

I knit this scarf lengthwise. The yarn didn't come with any label of any kind. But it seemed to be aran weight. So I cast on 200 stitches on size 9 needles. I got not quite 4 stitches to the inch. So overall, the scarf is about 52 inches long. The pattern is just out of my head; made to look like 3X3 ribbing. I worked in a purl row in the middle of the garter rows to help prevent curling. It put a knit channel on the WS, thus helping break up the fabric of the knitting on the back, which did help prevent curling. So much so, that I didn't even need to block it. Hallelujah! Here's the "pattern" if you are interested:

CO 200 stitches
row 1: Knit
row 2: Knit
row 3: Knit
row 4: Purl
row 5: Purl
row 6: Knit
row 7: Purl
row 8: Knit

Knit until desired width of scarf. End with row 4. Bind off.

That's it! It was a very fast knit.

Next, there is the Simon Tam. (Firefly fans will know that this is a delightful pun.) So, I made one of these as the donation for KDO back in September. I had used this boucle yarn, which I absolutely DESPISED knitting with. It was a total pain in the ass. But the pattern is sublime. So I made another one. This time I used alpaca yarn from Berrocco. Very nice to work with. I bought tons of Cascade 220 to make several of these hats to give out as Christmas gifts. They are fast to knit, only take one skein of Cascade 220 or any other worsted-weight yarn that comes in 200ish-yard skeins, and look fantastic. My only complaint is that the last 2-3 rows of decreases punch me in my SOUL. But the end result is well worth it! In fact, on this hat, I bagged the last 2 round of decreases because my hands felt like they were coming apart. So I just cinched the top.

Some photos:






Here it is (below) around a dinner plate. I would have modeled it, but I didn't want to frighten anyone.


Now, this hat calls for a tubular cast-on. When I knit the first one, in the awful boucle, I was like "WTF is that? Whatever!" And I just did a regular cast-on. The hat looked fine. At KDO, in one of my classes we actually learned the tubular cast on! Now hear this: the tubular cast-on looks AMAZING. So I did a tubular cast-on for the second tam (the one above). I couldn't seem to find where I put the hand-outs from KDO on doing a tubular cast on, so I went on-line a found a very helpful tutorial here.

Now, the only disappointing thing about that tutorial is that it didn't explain what to do about getting this cast-on done on circular needles in the round. Which is kind of important when you are knitting a hat! So I improvised and came up with a fairly decent method:

With waste yarn, cast on half the stitches, as usual.
Join project yarn. Place marker.
Join in the round and knit 4 rounds. If the cast-on is a little too tight to join, then purl one row first, then place marker and join in the round and knit 3 rounds.
Work the tubular pick-ups as in the instructions.
When done, remove the marker and purl one stitch. Then replace the marker. Turn work so that the RS is facing and then begin K1, P1 ribbing. The cast-on/join stitch is nearly invisible and there is no seam this way.
I started another hat and here's the tubular cast-on I did for it:



Ooh, sexy! Believe it or not, the cast-on/join stitch is in that photo. Can you find it?

Thank You, Dishcloth Pal!

I just wanted to post a public thank-you to my All Hallows Eve Dishcloth Pal for the thoughtful box o' goodies that I received yesterday!

Here's a picture of what was inside:

3 skeins of Peaches N' Cream yarn in festive, Halloween colors. 2 fantastic knit dishcloths, which happen to be 2 of my most favorite patterns ever! Lovely scented candles (on the left) in yellow and green. Body wash in a gorgeous, light fragrance. I adore it and can't wait to use it. And lots and lots of super edibles, including a unique candy bar, chocolate-covered pretzels, toffee bars, and those candy Halloween pumpkins that I LOVE. I already ate like 20 of them. D'oh! The little yellow candies you see are just a FEW--- and I mean a meager few---of these cute smiley-faced gumballs that were in the package. I have enough bubblegum to last me until, oh about 2017. Don't believe me? Observe:

See? I don't lie, y'all!

The only thing missing from the package was my pal's identity! The box had a return address in Indianapolis, IN. So I just went to the AHEDE page and went through everyone's blog until I got to somebody from Indianapolis! So, Maria M. I think it's you! Thank you so much for all the treats! I hope your pal treated you well too!

What-ever

My husband just showed me the article on MSN.com about the "Ten Worst Actors on TV today." This was the most bogus article ever. A few people on there I didn't even recognize. However, William Shatner was on there (I think he was 3rd), along with Gillian Anderson AND my man, Matthew Fox (ranked 10th, though). Ok. Didn't Shatner win a freakin' Emmy for his performance in Boston Legal? Am I imagining this? Is Gillian Anderson even ON TV anymore?

The reason they gave for Fox being a terrible actor? The character Jack on Lost is too "weepy." And that they don't understand why Jack seems to be the crux of the show and don't know why there are so many episodes about Jack and "close-up shots" of Jack. First of all, none of this has anything to do with his acting. You don't like the show's direction or the character? Fine. Don't call it bad acting. And also, oh really? You don't KNOW? Are you friggin' BLIND? Must have been a dude that wrote the article....

Because really, acting 'aint what it's about:

HOTNESS

Say It Isn't So!

It's not October 20th already?!?!? JEEZ. There must be some mathematical theorem that is something like: The ratio of increasing age and rate of passing time both increase at n to the power of 1000.

Anyway, I sent my Dishcloth Pal's package out last weekend and she received it on Tuesday. (Thanks, Columbus Day. RAGE.) YAY for when the Post Office works properly! My downstream pal was Grace Y. Grace is a lovely lady who knits the most gorgeous shawls I've ever seen. Check out her blog when you get a chance!

Now that I can, I wanted to post a picture of one of the cloths I knit for Grace. Since she loves red and heart patterns, I didn't want to post any pictures until after she received the package! Try to keep the suspense up! So here it is:


Let's see what else? Oh! Here's a recent picture of my niece, Aubrey. She's so big. If her hair was not still so scarce, she'd look much older:


Now I am feverishly working on all that "holiday" knitting that I want to get done. I intend on knitting a bunch of hats for gifts (mostly for co-workers) and I am more than 1/2 done a scarf for this guy at work. I swear to God, I can't see another winter go by watching him wear that...thing...that he wears as a scarf. First of all, it's CROCHETED. Crochet + man = DOES NOT COMPUTE. Second? It's light blue with a RED border. I don't care if his great-grandmom crocheted it for him. No respectable male (A professor, no less) would be seen wearing that thing for anything other than a GOOD LAUGH. So I am using this fantastic, hand-dyed wool yarn that Nicole got for me when she was in Ireland. It's gorgeous. It's dark green with flecks of brown and blue in it. Perfect for a MANLY scarf. I'll post pictures when it's done.

Is This Better?

I think it's a little better. I think the problem I am also facing is that there are too many choices.
I want to create my own, using pictures of my cats. But I don't have Photoshop and, apparently, that's what you need to do it. Sigh...someday

Hmmm...Do I Like This?

Do you like this? Not sure. At least I know that I have options for the stupid blogger templates. By just choosing a background and using the "Minima" template, you can get some pretty cool looks.

Anyway, I like the arrangement and the modern leaf/vine pattern. But not sure I love the DARK though. It makes the text harder to read. I've never been a fan of reading what is essentially white text on a near-black background.

Feedback? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Weekly Topic #5- All Hallows Eve Dishcloth Exchange

If you could go anywhere at all to enjoy a wonderful fall vacation - where would you go and why? Somewhere you've been? Somewhere you've heard has amazing fall colors? Somewhere that's LESS fall-like than where you are? Post and tell us about it and then post a comment here to let us know you've posted!

Hmm...this is a tough question for me because there are so many places I'd like to visit. I've always wanted to go to San Francisco. I imagine that fall there must be beautiful. I also want to get to Italy. I'm not really sure what the fall is like there. But I think I would have a wonderful time there, no matter what the season. Lastly, I've been to Japan; spent most of my time there in Tokyo. We went in the summer, though, and it was sweltering and it also rained a lot. I'd like to go back there during the fall and visit an onsen and see some more rural places. I think the fall would be a great time to do it.

If There Were Such Things As Parallel Universes...

I would be married to Jon Stewart in at least one of them:




...And Matthew Fox in about 1000 others:



His hotness dial goes to 11, you know what I'm sayin'?

Weekly Topic #4 - All Hallows Eve Dishcloth Exchange

So, for this week's topic - we have a little quiz. You need NOT get the questions correct for it to count - just post the answers somewhere in a post this week.

Q1: Where did the idea of Jack-O-Lanterns originate?
A) Scotland
B) England
C) Ireland. I'm going with this because it's Jack "O'Lantern." I don't know of anyone else that uses "O'" besides the Irish.
D) Wales

Q2: Halloween is the 2nd most successful commercial Holiday - what's the first?
A) Christmas. Just guessing this one, but it seems like it's the most commercial!
B) Valentine's Day
C) New Year's
D) Easter

Q3: What is the intense fear of Halloween called?
A) Hallowphobia
B) Samhainophobia. I'm pretty sure it's this.
C) Ghostophobia
D) Mortephobia

Q4: The mask worn by Michael Meyers in Halloween (the Movie) was actually a mask of who?
A) Leonard Nimoy
B) William Shatner. This I know for sure! I saw a TV special about it.
C) DeForest Kelly
D) No one - it was an old hockey mask

Q5: In 2004, what was the most popular Halloween Candy?
A) Candy Corn
B) Snickers. Just a guess, again.
C) Dum Dums
D) Milky Way

And finally - tell us what YOUR favorite Halloween Candy is! I'm a Candy Corn person myself - can make me SO sick to my belly, but man I love it! Just the plain old kind though - not the many other flavors and colors there are today!

I love chocolate. And I do love me some candy corn. As for kinds of chocolate? Well, Take 5 bars totally ROCK. I don't know if you've ever tried them, but I highly recommend them.

Think Titus Loves Me...A Little?

I Promised You Photos...

...and here they are:

This is the scarf I am knitting for the Red Scarf Project. I should be finished by the time I have to go to knitting tonight and hand it off to the person who will do a group donation (thanks, Ruth)!



Here's a close-up, so you can see the pattern. It's stupid easy; just the way I like things!




Next, here is one of the dishcloths I knit for my Dishcloth Pal! It's one of my favorite patterns (I linked the pattern in the questionnaire): Clover Tweed.



Now the next photos are of the purchases I made at Knitter's Day Out. Surprisingly, I only bought TWO SKEINS of yarn. I know, I amazed myself. But I also bought needles and a t-shirt too. AND. One of the yarn purchases seen below inspired me to buy more skeins of the same colorway so that I could make a Clapotis. I think. Maybe. The yarn is just too gorgeous for socks. Colinette Jitterbug. Yeah. I know. I was in trouble the minute I laid eyes on it. But I did manage to find the other 2 skeins I bought at some yarn shop in Canada for only $14 a skein (as opposed to the $22 I paid for it at KDO. Maybe it's a good thing they only had one skein left! URK.)

The other yarn is a local hand-dyed wool. I purchased this from a different vendor. But again, she only had one skein as well. I see a hat or a small scarf in this. It's the yarn in the back. I just loved those colors.

The picture really does neither skein any justice.




And here are the hand-turned knitting needles I bought. These are size 7. I love the nice sharp points on them!






























And here's a picture of the mini, top-down raglan sweater that I learned to make for a stuffed animal! I chose this bright orange yarn to go onto a funky beanie-baby type frog. I didn't finish the arms, or pick up around the neck to finish that part off, but you can get the idea of how it's supposed to look!