Thursday, October 30, 2008

Things I Learned From Living With a Dude For Nearly 10 Years

I thought I'd share some random things I learned from living with Todd for nearly 10 years.

In no particular order:

  1. A dude will put a container containing .0002 fluid ounces of beverage back in the refrigerator.
  2. A dude will call you in another state at 1:00 am to ask you where the ketchup is.
  3. A dude will only flush the toilet if they poop.
  4. With the possible exception of your being completely nude, you look exactly the same to a dude every day, regardless of whether you have a cold, the Bubonic Plague, or are dressed like you are going to the Oscars.
  5. Yes, they really drink straight from the milk carton.
  6. A dude takes 3 times as long as you do in the shower. And a "quick" shower to them is 30 minutes.
  7. A dude who does laundry will put your $75 bra in the same wash with the dishtowels he used to clean up cat vomit.
  8. And they don't read labels.
  9. On anything.
  10. Unless there are scorpions, killer rats, and you are missing a cat or two in the thicket of dust, debris and cat hair, the carpets never need to be vacuumed. I mean, who are we trying to impress?
  11. Want anything done? All you have to do is ask...
  12. ...146 times.
  13. The television is the most important appliance in your home. If that works, nothing else matters.
  14. A dude will call you at work to ask you how to spell things.
  15. If you send a dude to the supermarket, he will invariably come home with the same 6 items: toilet paper, ketchup, Reese's Pieces, tater tots, hot dogs, Diet Mountain Dew.
  16. A dude will show you a rancid, slimy onion and ask if it's still ok to eat.
  17. A dude with a headache = level 5 catastrophe.
  18. A dude with a headache & stomach ache = level 10 catastrophe.
  19. A dude with the Flu = the end of days.
  20. A dude doesn't know the difference between a drape, a blind, a curtain, or a shade. Semantically, it's all "shade." Don't even TRY to further differentiate with words like "valance," and "tension rod." Their brains will change the attention channel to a recent South Park episode.
  21. A dude will stare at a package of frozen french fries and ask you how to cook them. Every time.
  22. A dude never decorates for any holiday; that there is work for the women folk!
  23. You are expected to know where everything is in the entire house all the time, even things you didn't even know you owned.
  24. You are expected to know the exact in-stock quantity of all consumable items in your home at all times.
  25. You are expected to know every exit on every highway, byway, bridge, and back road within 200 miles of your residence.
  26. You slaved for 18 hours in the kitchen preparing Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings. Upon seating your sorry ass down to finally eat, a dude will find the ONE ITEM you forgot to put on the table and ask you for it, usually as the first forkful of food you've seen in 24 hours is about 2 centimeters from entering your mouth.

    There is one living exception to most of the items above: my Dad, who does ALL the decorating, makes his own curtains without a sewing machine, cooks Thanksgiving dinner, and bakes pies from scratch. He knows where everything is in the house because he's the person that saves every receipt for every item he's ever purchased since 1965. Hence why I have lovingly nicknamed him "Highlander."


Corinne said...

That was perfect.....PERFECT!! So, all dudes ARE the same with the exception of our Dad's!! You were right on.

Pshorten said...

OMG, I'm living with a Dude...

michelle f said...

Can I get an "amen"?!?!?

the nicole kline experience said...

oh, highlander. <3