Things I Learned From Living With a Dude For Nearly 10 Years

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I thought I'd share some random things I learned from living with Todd for nearly 10 years.

In no particular order:

1. A dude will put a container containing .0002 fluid ounces of beverage back in the refrigerator.
2. A dude will call you in another state at 1:00 am to ask you where the ketchup is.
3. A dude will only flush the toilet if they poop.
4. With the possible exception of your being completely nude, you look exactly the same to a dude every day, regardless of whether you have a cold, the Bubonic Plague, or are dressed like you are going to the Oscars.
5. Yes, they really drink straight from the milk carton.
6. A dude takes 3 times as long as you do in the shower. And a "quick" shower to them is 30 minutes.
7. A dude who does laundry will put your $75 bra in the same wash with the dishtowels he used to clean up cat vomit.
8. And they don't read labels.
9. On anything.
10. Unless there are scorpions, killer rats, and you are missing a cat or two in the thicket of dust, debris and cat hair, the carpets never need to be vacuumed. I mean, who are we trying to impress?
11. Want anything done? All you have to do is ask...
12. ...146 times.
13. The television is the most important appliance in your home. If that works, nothing else matters.
14. A dude will call you at work to ask you how to spell things.
15. If you send a dude to the supermarket, he will invariably come home with the same 6 items: toilet paper, ketchup, Reese's Pieces, tater tots, hot dogs, Diet Mountain Dew.
16. A dude will show you a rancid, slimy onion and ask if it's still ok to eat.
17. A dude with a headache = level 5 catastrophe.
18. A dude with a headache & stomach ache = level 10 catastrophe.
19. A dude with the Flu = the end of days.
20. A dude doesn't know the difference between a drape, a blind, a curtain, or a shade. Semantically, it's all "shade." Don't even TRY to further differentiate with words like "valance," and "tension rod." Their brains will change the attention channel to a recent South Park episode.
    
21. A dude will stare at a package of frozen french fries and ask you how to cook them. Every time.
22. A dude never decorates for any holiday; that there is work for the women folk!
23. You are expected to know where everything is in the entire house all the time, even things you didn't even know you owned.
    
24. You are expected to know the exact in-stock quantity of all consumable items in your home at all times.
25. You are expected to know every exit on every highway, byway, bridge, and back road within 200 miles of your residence.
26. You slaved for 18 hours in the kitchen preparing Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings. Upon seating your sorry ass down to finally eat, a dude will find the ONE ITEM you forgot to put on the table and ask you for it, usually as the first forkful of food you've seen in 24 hours is about 2 centimeters from entering your mouth.
    
    
    There is one living exception to most of the items above: my Dad, who does ALL the decorating, makes his own curtains without a sewing machine, cooks Thanksgiving dinner, and bakes pies from scratch. He knows where everything is in the house because he's the person that saves every receipt for every item he's ever purchased since 1965. Hence why I have lovingly nicknamed him "Highlander."

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Todd nesting at Winterthur:

And the Winner Is...

Todd, for the funniest moment of our 1-week vacation at the River (with Donna & Nicole in tow).

Here it is:

We were all playing a game called Talisman. An oldie that was out of print for about 15 years, then suddenly got a major reprinting in 2007. Gorgeous. Somehow Todd managed to get three of these new ones for Christmas. Thanks, Amazon's Shitty Wishlist!

I digress.

So while we were playing, we were listening to my iPod on speakers; my playlist of 1980s gems. So at one point, Bonnie Tyler's throaty (and cheesy, I'll give you that) Total Eclipse of the Heart was radiating out of the speakers:

Every now and then I get a little bit angry
and I know I have to get out and cry
(Turnaround)
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified
but then I see the look in your eyes
(Turn around, bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart
(Turn around, bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart...

Todd turns to me and with a completely straight face asks, "So, is this song about Planet of the Apes?" And I'm totally puzzled like, "...whaaat?" And he says, "Bright Eyes? That was Zira's pet name for Charlton Heston." And then I started screaming, flailing, and choking from laughing my guts out.

1st Runner Up: Weird Al Yankovic for the following line uttered during the Rifftrax for Jurassic Park. The scene: Laura Dern, Jeff Goldblum, and Sam Neill are in the green car waiting to begin their tour of the park. Goldblum tries to explain 'chaos theory' to Dern by caressing her wrists and dripping water on her hands. Here's the line:

"If you wanna see a creep grope your girlfriend, just go to the Jersey Shore!"


PS: I finally have some color! I was beginning to look like lumpy oatmeal. Now I look like lumpy toasted oatmeal. :-P

Happy Birthday(s)

So yesterday was Todd's birthday (June 30). He is 37 years young. We took the day off from our respective jobs and spent the day doing a whole lot of nothing, which is a nice way to spend a day off. Although we did manage to get in a little cleaning, so we're not entirely derelict.

Today is Hercules' birthday. He's 4 years old. It seems like yesterday when we picked up off the street a scrawny, 6-month-old kitty on a bitterly freezing morning in January 2005. I think he's much happier with us and the rest of the Waters brood. He loves Todd best of all, too. It's kind of cute.



Also, Marsha, you will be happy (and amazed) to know that I remembered to say "rabbit, rabbit" today when I woke up! Woot!

I sent off my package to my Dishcloth Pal on Thursday. And in an amazing feat (the planets must have aligned), she got the package on Saturday! SCHWING! So I can tell you that my downstream Dishcloth Pal (my spoilee) was Michelle F.! I really had a blast this time around. It was great spoiling Michelle and getting to know her better. And now I have another knitting bud. :-D

Oh and! I finished my Grrr washcloth! I'll get a picture up here soon! It turned out really well. It's SO cute!

To Start Your Day...

Todd, on Frieda Kahlo:

"Once you've seen about six paintings of her cooter with apples, bears, and cats, you've pretty much seen enough."

Week of Love, Images

Happy Valentine's Day









To commemorate Valentine's Day and continuing in my Week of Love blog celebration, I'd like to present to you some of my photos that have special meaning for me and that I really love.


Here's little Aubrey looking like a tiny, delightful, garden sprite. I took this picture of her back in December during the week I took care of her.



Here's a funny profile picture. No, it's not Alfred Hitchcock. Gotta love those cheeks.




Here's my friend Katie (Katie, please don't kill me), who does an uncannily accurate impression of a Hummel figurine, evidenced by this photo. She also happens to smell fantastic, is an expert knitter, and can sing like the loveliest songbird you'd ever want to hear. Anyway, I couldn't get through life without people like Katie and the rest of my knitting buddies. I love you guys.


Devotion to Felines

Ah, cats. I have many cats in my life at the moment. I think it might not be an exaggeration to say that I know more cats than people. Why, I have 6. My parents have 2. My sister has 3---that's Neko right there to the left, one of hers. Most of my friends have a cat or 2 or 11. What is it about cats? Every cat I've ever known has has its own distinct personality. The brood of 6 currently residing in my home proves this point to a T. I love them all: my silly, soft, beguiling, fuzzy children.









Here is Titus I, posing for heads of the royal coin of Catopia. An impressive animal he is.

Here's my favorite picture of Sophie, taken when she was still an only child!

And here's a bunch o' cats on the bed. Let's see, here we have (clockwise from the top) Hercules, Sophie (who always sits either right against my pillow or ON IT), Luna, and Fi Fi.






And here's my sweet gentleman, Mr. Chesterfield. One of the smartest, loveliest animals you'll ever meet. EVER.



Oh my goofy, wild Hercules.







One of my parents' cats, Honey. She's as sweet as her name implies.








Here's my little Ophelia, who isn't so little anymore. But when we found her, she was a tiny little baby, weighing less than a pound. Fi Fi always has a very "concerned" look, a look she's donned she was 1-month-old. See?




Ye Olde Tyme Cats

Everyone asks me how I got this photo to look this way. I assure you, it was by accident. It's from my cell phone, of all things. I came home from the grocery store one day and was greeted by this trio in the window. That's Fi Fi on the left (see how very concerned she is?), Herc in the middle and Titus on the right (football head).

Little Luna. My sweet, silver doll.

Japan

I don't recall talking too much about my trip to Japan on this blog, if at all. Suffice it to say, we had a great time there and will be going back at some point.
Here are some of my favorite photos.




Me in a gift shop that sold only cat-themed items. You'd think I would have had enough of them in my every-day life!








A LATE dinner at a restaurant in Ginza with friends. Left to right: Hanae, Scott, Mutsumi, me, Todd.

Here's Todd and I outside a Kabuki theater. It was closed for renovations, so we didn't get to go to a show. Next time!

This is the Hie-Jinja shrine. This shrine was very close to the hotel where we stayed. All the shrines in Tokyo are quiet, peaceful places. Even when we were at a particularly crowded one (this one was not crowded at all), there was this gentle, serene beauty about the place. I liken it to the feeling of being in your grandmother's house: warm, welcoming, with a lot of things to see and do, clean, unconditionally accepting of you and so glad you came to visit.



Mutsumi and I in kimonos, which her grandmother made. Believe it or not, we were standing in the hotel's gardens. Yeah. It was a lovely hotel, the New Otani. The gardens are centuries old, actually. They actually built the hotel around the gardens to preserve them. Something to think about. Here's something else to think about: Mutsumi's grandmom took to making kimonos for a living because she was widowed in WWII. It's so eye-opening to realize that losses in WWII happened everywhere. No matter the "side," people died, families suffered. The pointlessness of war just really slaps you in the face.





Dinner with our friend Yuko and her parents. One of the great highlights of our trip. That's Todd and I in the front, of course. So Yuko's mom made her own plum wine. Yeah, just take one look at me and you'll know how awesome it was. :-)







More Photographic Love

I had a professional photographer at my wedding and she took some wonderful pictures---and a lot of them. However, my most favorite photo of my wedding is this one that Mutsumi took. Can you believe it? She came all the way from Japan to be at our wedding!







This last picture is just a special memory for me of the fun times I had with Kathleen. We were at Todd's friend Dan's home for a Fourth of July barbecue. Great memories.






I hope you enjoyed seeing some special photos that I love. I'm sure this collection will keep growing and growing thanks to all my friends, family and CATS. :-)

How Did This Happen?

Winter is finally here. Well, at least it seems that way. It was 21 degrees this morning. And it snowed a little yesterday. At least, enough to have a terribly annoying commute on I-95 this morning.

When we packed up and moved to Delaware in early March, we tossed all our hats, gloves, scarves, etc., into a box that we labeled "coat closet." I bought one of those wardrobe boxes for the coats and jackets, too. Now, our new house has a rather large coat closet in the foyer. I'd say that it is probably twice the size of the coat closet that was in our South Philly home. Yet, inexplicably, we can't seem to fit the same number of items in the new closet as we did in the old one. Yeah, I really don't get it either.

By the time most of the unpacking was done (and hey, is unpacking EVER really done?), it was April. The last thing on my mind was where Todd's winter hat was. So the box o' winter accessories got relegated to the basement.

This morning in a frozen panic, Todd and I were like, "CRAP! FIND THAT BOX!" I found it; I'm good at finding things. I pulled out what is one of only 3 knitted items that I have ever made for myself: The loopy scarf. God, I love this thing. It is my total go-to scarf. Anyway, I started rummaging for a scarf of Todd's. I found ones that he'd used over the years. What is the deal with men's scarves? They are PATHETIC. Flimsy, too-short, drab-looking pieces of woven fabric, with the consistency and softness of a paper napkin (even though they all said 100% wool). It struck me, "My God! Todd doesn't have a decent scarf! How could I, a knitter, let this happen?"

I hung my head in shame.

So, as soon as the holidays are over, or I come to my senses and recognize that I am NOT going to finish that kimono sweater I am knitting for my mom in time for Christmas, I am going to grab some delightful merino wool and knit up a more-fitting scarf for Todd. Shockingly, he's actually wearing the hat I made him, probably because it actually keeps him warm! But I think I might make him a new hat, so he can have winter accessories that actually match for once in his life. I mean, I love that hat, and I think it looks great on him, but there is no way I can ever match those colors.

Yes, I changed the skin of this blog yet again. I'm not crazy about this one either....

More Objets Réalisés

Ok so here are a couple of items that I managed to finish over the last few weeks. I am so slow with taking pictures and posting stuff here, I know.

First off, is a funky winter hat for Todd, if he'll wear it, that is. This yarn---Oh. My. Dog. Ok. While in Vermont on vacation this year, (Which, again, I realize I have not posted about. I suck at life.) Marsha did some research and found a couple of locations to get some local yarn. One "place" was the home and workshop of Joanne Littler, called the Pine Ledge Fiber Studio. Joanne spins some truly beautiful and unique yarns there, as well as weaves some of the most incredible fabric textiles I've ever seen. Marsha, Katie, Beth, and I all piled into her home workshop and immediately began panting at the sight of the yarn. Gorgeous, to be sure, but also with price-tags well out of our range.

However, Joanne was offering some off-cuts of yarn and remainders of such for fair prices. And she even gave us a further discount if we bought out a particular yarn's last quantities. Aside from being a true artisan, Joanne is a really, really lovely person. So we picked through the remnants and each ended up with some little treasures. I got the orange-ish yarn, seen in the hat below, which is a merino/tencel blend. And some 100% merino yarn in a rose/mauve marled color to make a hat for me. This super-bulky yarn is just superb. great to work with and, of course, knits up super-quick. I can't say enough about it.

So anyway, I started knitting the hat and realized that I was going to run out of yarn. Marsha had some slate blue colored wool yarn leftover from a hat she made for her husband. It just so happens that the blue yarn had flecks of gray and this coppery-orange color in it! So Marsha let me use it to make a wide stripe in the middle. I think it looks great! Todd looks really good in orange, even if he doesn't think so. Joanne gave us the pattern for the hat below, too.




Next is a hat I made for Wesley, my sister-in-law. We don't have the opportunity to see Wesley very often because she lives in Urbana, Illinois. So we're limited to holidays, at best. We were fortunate enough to get together with her (and the rest of Todd's family) in New York this Christmas past. She knows I'm a knitter---in fact, I knit her a scarf a few years ago. So she said, "You know what I want? Can you make me just a plain knitted hat, but with cat ears on it?" And I said, "Sure, I think I can!"

Well about 9 months later, I actually got around to trying to knit something for her. Every pattern I looked for seems way more complicated than a simple hat with ears needs to be, in my opinion. So I made up my own, which I will post here, eventually.

It's basically just worsted-weight yarn on size 7 needles. I made a 1 inch or so band of ribbing, then just stockinette all the rest of the way up. Decreased until I had a few stitches left and drew them together. Then I picked up and knit in the 2 spots where the ears are. I think it came out pretty well. And I really think that she is going to like it...that is when I get my lazy ass over to the post office to send it to her....

This was using 1 skein of Elann's Highland Wool. Great economical yarn.

Addendum: The Waters Lexicon

I must add the following items to the Waters Lexicon:

Walk it off. Either handed down from Todd's dad, or uttered by someone during Todd's high-school years while in mandatory athletics.
(v.) the action of self recovery from an injury. ANY injury. Even one where walking would not result in the slightest amelioration of the pain. Consider the following dialog:
Me: Ouch! Shit!
Todd: What did you do?
Me: Squirted lemon juice into my eye!
Todd: Just walk it off.

Knock the bark off your teeth. Directly from Todd's dad. It's probably obvious but...
(v.) To brush one's teeth. Make sure y'all knock the bark off your teeth before coming down to breakfast!

How come? Todd says this all the time, most often when asking in response to an answer that he a) doesn't like, b) wasn't expecting, or c) confuses him.
Replacement for the interrogative pronoun: Why. Example:
Todd: When are you going to go visit your sister?
Me: Well, I've decided not to go at all.
Todd: How come?


Appendix:

Also I would like to add the following items, which are more like self-explanatory phrases or just generally hilarious quotes from Todd:

"The best part of waking up, is going back to bed." To be sung to the Folger's coffee jingle.

"Once I get to sittin', I like to stay sat."

"Bacon makes everything better."

"Oh, that's a CLASSIC." Yeah, pretty much every movie that Todd's ever seen in the 1980s or 1990s that I haven't qualifies it as being "a classic." This also applies to music. Example:
Todd: What?! You've never seen The Goonies?
Me: Um...no.
Todd: Oh, come on! That's a CLASSIC!

"I'm about to shit sideways!" Uttered in extreme frustration, usually while trying to put together Ikea furniture.

"Gimme some good quotes." Todd always asks me this after I return from visiting with my family or with friends.

"Rockin' with Dokken." Basically means "cool" or "awesome."

Fast food code names:
The evil red-headed woman = Wendy's
The evil red-headed man = McDonald's
The colonel or the evil goateed man = KFC
Mexican roll up = Taco Bell

The Waters Lexicon

I never fully realized how much I've learned since being with Todd until recently. And I'm not talking about learning in the "growing as a person" sense, either. I mean I pretty much have had to learn another damn language, or at least a whole new lexicon of phrases unique to Southerners, or maybe just to Watersesesses. Here are some of the phrases that I have now grown accustomed to saying or at least hearing and understanding on a regular basis.





First of all:

THE BIG THREE:

Roll up.

Lay up.

Fall out.

1. Roll up. Quite possibly the most common phrase uttered in my household. It has several definitions.
a. (n.) an event or occurrence usually involving indulging or over-indulging in some form of pleasure. After the kind of day I've had, I think I need to do a roll up at McDonald's.
b. (v.) the act of indulging or over-indulging in some form of pleasure. At my step-brother's wedding, I am SO going to roll up at the open bar. Past tense: Man, you should have seen all these old people rolled up at the Cracker Barrel.
Also used as an exclamation of encouragement or approval. Consider the following mini-conversation:
Gina: Hmmm, I've already hit the buffet 3 times, should I go back for more...oh wow, look, now they put out pie---PECAN PIE!
Todd: ROLL UP!

2. Lay up. Not as commonly used.
(v.) the act of relaxing, laying down, or pretty much not doing much of anything. I can't wait until I can just lay up by the pool. Past tense: I could have used your help carrying this heavy box while you were laid up in front of the television.
Is sometimes used interchangeably with roll up, especially if the indulgence is some form of relaxation: You would not believe all the people laid up/rolled up on that cruise ship.

3. Fall out. The second most commonly-used phrase in my household.
(n.) a nap or period of rest and re-cooperation. When I get home from work, I need to have a little fall out.
(v.1) the act of napping, sleeping, resting, passing-out as a result of being tired beyond all human reason. I can't take one more step, I am totally ready to fall out from exhaustion. Past tense: I did so much housework today that afterwards I just totally fell out for like 4 hours.
(v.2) to die, usually only in past tense. Again, consider the following mini conversation:
Todd: Guess what?
Me: What?
Todd: Jack Palance fell out.
Me: Oh no! Really? Was he sick or something? Well, he was like eleventy.

Todd and I have been known to accomplish all three of these in succession. You roll up, you lay up, and then you fall out. It's the new hedonism!

4. caught short. I have never found myself using this one, but Todd does regularly.
(n.) state of being in which one has a rather urgent need to use the bathroom (for..ahem... number 2), but for whatever reason, cannot. I can't sit through a 3-hour movie because I don't want to be caught short.

5. crack of ass. I've totally adopted this phrase as my own.
(n.) a very early time of day; dawn. Why did I make that appointment for 8:00am? This means I have to get up at the crack of ass in order to be there on time.

6. cut on. Only Todd.
(v.) to activate or turn on. Can you cut on the radio for me?

7. East Jesus. Where I come from, this was called "23rd and Jalopy" or "Jalopyville."
(n.) Someplace far away or hard to get to. God, why do we have to drive all the way to East Jesus to get to the DMV?

8. go around your ass to get to your elbow. I lately find myself saying this too. I grew up with "Go by way of Nelly's Barn"
(ph.) Process of making an easy task much more difficult. Because of the traffic jam on I-95, I had to go around my ass to get to my elbow.

9. mother pussmuffins. A term Todd derived from a movie he saw, but which one, I have no idea.
(n.) A replacement for the other explicative that begins with "mother." You know the one....

10. take a heater. Yeah, it's as bad as you think.
(v.) To make a bowel movement. Whoa, I ate way too much KFC...I need to go take a heater.

One Of Todd's Finest

So we're in the car on the way home from Vermont, which I KNOW I still need to blog about. There is much to be said....

Anyhoo, it's about 12:00 and we're getting hungry. Traffic has been kind to us, so we were well into New York state by this point. Todd has the ability to eat fast food and drive at the same time. I even think about eating in the car and I have to hurl. So running through a drive-through and munching on the road is usually not an option for me. Every one of those blue highway signs that announce which exits have the food places, gas stations, hotels, etc. seemed to indicate nothing but fast food. I just was not in the mood for it, you know? I am not a fast-food eater in general. It's just not good for me.

So 12:00 turns into nearly 1:00. Finally one of the blue signs presents: "Cracker Barrel." WOO! Todd goes, "Oh you like Cracker Barrel, right?" I'm like, "HELL YEAH!" Ok so we get off at the exit and it was a town called Halfmoon, NY. Well it should have been called "Fullmoon," because it was like the craziest scene ever in the shopping area we had just exited into, which happened to have the Cracker Barrel tucked away in a corner somewhere.

Let's just say that there must have been a TON of people who refuse to eat the likes of Burger King because that Cracker Barrel parking lot was INSANE. There were like 5487398796792 cars there. BUSES! PEOPLE CAME IN BUSES TO CRACKER BARREL!!! All those dumb, white rocking chairs that they have on the "front porch," were filled. Kids running everywhere. Old people with walkers and oxygen tanks were inching their way through the jam-packed lot, "Must...get...to...Cracker...Barrel!" It was like all of humanity descended onto that particular Cracker Barrel.

So Todd goes, "OH MY DOOOOOG! CRACKER BARREL IS MADE FROM PEOPLE!"

I just about broke 5 ribs from laughing. Sigh. That was excellent.

Happy Anniversary

Three years ago today, Todd and I got married. We've been together for 8 and 1/2 years---great years. I don't know what I'd do without him. And I don't even want to think of what my life would be like if he were not part of it.

Incidentally, when we were outside the reception taking this picture, Todd and I were heckled---yes, that's right, heckled---by these two old geezers who were attending a separate party in the ballroom next to ours. They were outside puffing on stinky cigars. They made some comment about me being "an ol' ball and chain," and that they'd give Todd $2 for our wedding bands, if we wanted to accept their generous offer. Nice.

Lookie What We Did or How a Clogged Sewer Line = a New Car

This is a story; a story about fate. Gather 'round and enjoy:

My sister, brother-in-law, and nephew all came up from North Carolina on Friday night for a visit. They also had to attend a First Holy Communion party for 2 of my brother-in-law's nephews. They stayed with me in Delaware. Saturday comes and my sister et. al. all go to said Communion festivities and Todd and I headed over to Jan and Marsha's to celebrate Sylvia's (their daughter) 2nd birthday. A good time was had by all and a great cake was eaten by all (thanks, Jan)!

Saturday night, when we got back home from Jan and Marsha's, I started to do some tidying in the kitchen. I loaded the dishwasher and fed the beasts. Todd went down to the basement to scoop up the cat boxes. Precisely 28 seconds after Todd went into the basement I hear him freaking out because there, apparently, was water in the basement again. Not tons, but puddles here and there.

Why again? Well...this is "a whole nother" story (as they say in Philly). But, in short, we had about 4-5 days of solid, very heavy rain a couple of weeks ago. On the last day of rain, we discovered about 1/2 inch of water in our basement. Not everywhere; it wasn't entirely flooded. But mostly on the left side and towards the wall on the garage side.

Anyway, I wondered for a minute or two if it would be better to stay in the kitchen where I was safe from Todd's fury or to go down to the basement and attempt to calm him down and figure out where this mystery water was coming from. Finally I heard him call up to me, "Can you come down here and try to help me figure this out?" He was still angry, but not as livid as when he first went down there. Todd will willingly admit that he has "his father's temper." This isn't necessarily entirely true. In my experience, there isn't much that sets Todd off, really. He's pretty mellow. But I think I can now pinpoint what does: confusion, frustration, and God of War. In this case, it was both confusion & frustration.

So I got down there and the walls are dry; it doesn't seem musty or damp down there either. I checked the washer; it's totally dry underneath. We stood around for a couple of minutes literally scratching our heads (well, I was anyway) and still couldn't figure it out. Suddenly, I heard this trickling sound. I looked over to the utility sink and see water running out of the trap underneath. This is the very same trap that we required that the seller replace because it was broken. I mean, it's obvious that it was new pipework, but they did a swell job installing it, didn't they?

Well, Todd just about goes ape shit. He starts, "WE'RE CALLING STEVE RIGHT NOW!" Steve was our realtor in Delaware. Like WTF is Steve going to do? "CAN WE SUE? THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS!" No, probably not. He's absolutely infuriated. The cats are terrified and scrambling up the steps and through the kitchen to get away from his yelling. I always imagine what's going on in their heads, "AGH! LOUD NOISES! LOUD NOISES! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!"

So I left him to his ire and went upstairs to call the plumber. Luckily we found a very nice plumber in Delaware. Remember, this is Saturday night about 7:30-8:00. His phone was busy for a while. In the meantime, my sister and company had returned from Communion-o-rama. I explained the situation to them and my brother-in-law went to have a look to see if it was something easily fixable. He came back up and said, "Yeah, um, call the plumber." So I finally got through to the plumber. He asks, "Well how is the water coming out?" I'm like, "Hen?" He says, "This is what I need you to do and call me back: run everything in the house for a few minutes: every sink, flush all the toilets like 5 times, run the showers, etc., then look at the trap and tell me what you see."

So we did. Lo and behold, the trap was indeed broken but also, and more importantly, our sewer line was blocked! So the water was coming UP from the sewer line and out of the broken trap! I called the plumber back and he says, "I'll be there tomorrow morning, tell me when." I said we had guests that were staying with us so to come late morning, around 11:00.

Sunday arrives. I see off my sister and family after breakfast at the "Vogon Diner," as Todd has named it. I'll explain later.... So the plumber comes exactly at 11:00 and goes to work. And what dirty, thankless work it was. Apparently, the freakin' IDIOTS that lived there before us and/or the workers who fixed-up the house jammed everything under the sun down the toilets. Then...there were the roots. OY. We have 3 very nice trees in front of our house. Two pines with a red maple in the middle. The plumber thinks that the maple's roots are the ones reaming through our sewer line. But we might have to get rid of all 3 of the trees out front. Which would be very sad, as they are nice trees. We will have to call a tree expert to come and tell us which tree is the culprit and hopefully we won't have to get rid of all of them.

Anyway, the plumber was at my house for like 3 hours. He fixed the trap too. He even cleaned up the horrible mess in the basement. I mean we are talking about the nastiest of stuff from the sewer. So as he's leaving, he happens to pass the passenger side of our car. And he goes, "Oh, wow, look at your tire! You guys need to have that looked at. That's going to blow." I look down and see that our front passenger-side tire has a BUBBLE in the rubber about the size of a golf ball near the inside rim. I have never seen anything like it.

I was like WTF? Where in the world did THAT come from? So, of course, Saturn's service department isn't open on Sunday. And pretty much no emergency mechanic exists in the state of Delaware. Monday morning, we call Saturn of Philly and they say, "Hmm...yeah...well we can't see you until this afternoon...uh...just don't hit anything."

Excuse me? WHAT? I-95 is like Satan's orgy of potholes through the city of Chester and Delaware County in general. I wanted to go kill them. All the rest of the morning I was mumbling and cursing under my breath, "'Just don't hit anything,' hmph, MY ASS. Fucktards. Why I oughtta...!" So Todd called Saturn of Newark. He explained the issue to them. "Come right now," they said. We went. I was nearly out of my mind in hysterics on the way over there from worrying about that tire blowing out while we were driving.

So we get there, hand them the keys and then go sit the waiting room at Saturn of Newark. About 10 minutes later the mechanic comes over and says, "We have to replace the tire, as you probably figured, but we need to replace both tires in the front because otherwise your car will be severely mal-aligned. Your tires in the front are at the end of their life anyway." What choice did I have? I trust the people at Newark. Philly, well, the less said about them, the better. So that was $335. And then we settled in to wait.

We're waiting. About 15 minutes goes by and Todd, who can't stand to watch the crapulence of Good Morning, America anymore, gets up and starts looking at the cars in the showroom. There's a sparkly, deep-blue Vue SUV there. Todd beckons me over and we look at it. It's nice. Not too huge. About 3 minutes later, a sales guy comes over. Nice man, named Roy, originally from Texas. I tell him about my ION and how I hate it. He laughs. I had a Saturn SL2, which I LOVED, before the retarded ION. And I mention that we were probably in the market for a new car very soon, which is true. If you will recall my Hobo Orgy post, I wanted to get a different car way back in August of last year!

So, Todd gets in the car and sits down and is like, "Oh man...this is bad...." He likes it. A lot. Todd's always wanted an SUV. Like WAY before they ever became THE car to drive here in the US. Roy talks about the features of the Vue and such then says, "Oh yes, we have a spring special going on until June, too. $3000 off all Vues, Relays, and Outlooks." Todd and I exchange looks.

So, I say, "Well, actually, I want a hybrid Vue." I mean gas is ridiculous and I get shitty-ass gas mileage in the ION. And I mean SHITTY-ASS. Something like 14 city and 20 highway, which is really unacceptable for a small-ish sedan. So we sit down with Roy and he asks us what features we want in the car, what our time-frame is; price-range, etc. I'm easy to please. It has to be automatic and have air-conditioning. That's really all I care about. Then he goes, "What about color?" "Well," I said, "I've always wanted a red car. RED. Not that yucky chianti, burgundy or whatever color--- oh and NO WHITE and I'm not too fond of black either---" At this point Todd got pouty, "But I think the black looks cool!" "Ok, black is fine," I said, "But really, no white, everything else is ok."

So Roy writes that down and everything else that we had said about what we liked and were looking for. Then he said, "Well, I have 2 hybrids here, want to drive one?" Todd and I exchanged looks again, then he went to check on how much longer we had to wait for the tire repairs. "Twenty minutes," Todd says. Roy says, "Ok, be right back!" And goes to get a hybrid for us to drive. While he's away, I remembered that I got a coupon in the mail from Saturn of Newark for $1000 over Kelley Blue Book value for any trade-in. This means that whatever the cost of the car is, I will get it for $4000 less ($3000 from the special and $1000 extra for the trade-in).

Roy comes back in. I get up and head for the door. I look outside. It's a red one. A totally, f'n sweet, fire-engine, red one. \m/ (Gina throws up the horns.) Roy says, "Remember I told you I had 2 hybrids here? Well here's one," he says, pointing to the gorgeous, red hybrid parked outside, "and the other one is white." We all laughed. (I later confirmed this by checking their web inventory. They have a gray one in a sister location at West Chester and they have a deep-blue one, but it was over the price range that I told him. So he wasn't lying!)

So we drive it; first me, then Todd. Awesome, smooth, comfortable, quiet, easy, lovely ride.
The car was $24,700 and it has everything in it that I could ever possibly want. Now I want this car. Like big-time want this car. So Todd says to Roy, "So, how long will you be here today?" and laughs. Alas, only until 4:00. So Roy says, "No pressure, but, if you are able, how about you put a deposit on it? That way you can think about it and take your time because you know it's reserved for you. If you decide you really don't want it, just call and we'll completely refund you. It's no problem whatsoever."

Now, I've dealt with Saturn before, specifically Saturn of Newark. These are nice people to associate with. So I put $500 on it to hold it. Ok. The ION was done. Well, as soon as we got back in the newly-repaired ION, I immediately thought, "yuck." I KNEW I wanted that Vue! We went back and got it last night after work. This car comes with one year free On-Star service as well as 3 months free of XM satellite radio. Plus, it has a place for an MP3 player! DROOL.

So I thought about the new car like this: If we never had a backed up sewer line, and if the plumber never came, and then told me about the tire, I might not have ever noticed the dumb tire and where would I be now? And it is RED. And Wednesday is my birthday (yes, today). How's that as a rationalization for fate!?

Todd has taken to calling it "Bella Rossa:"

So it has free XM for 90 days. There are like 200 stations. Talk about option paralysis! One of them is all 80s! Drool x2! In fact, there is a channel for each decade, starting with the 40s! We happened to stop on the 50s at one point this morning.

Let me tell you, there is something so utterly sublime in listening to Dean Martin sing That's Amoré on the way to work. I still haven't wiped the silly ear-to-ear grin off my face.

I Augered Into My Thigh and Other Atrocities and Annoyances

J'ever have a stretch of a about a week's time where you just wonder how you haven't yet managed to accidentally remove your own head from your body? Yeah. Well, that's me.

I have had the most bizarre few days as of late.

First of all: the weather. WTF? Excuse me, Mother Nature? Yeah, hey, I've been operating under the assumption that Spring had actually arrived about 3 weeks ago on March 21. Yes? Why, then, when starting my car in the morning, does the temperature gauge on my rear-view mirror warn me that "ICE" is present outside? Hmmm? And why, pray tell, is it 40 degrees outside in the middle of the afternoon on April 9? Can you like work on that a little? Just 10-15 degrees is all I ask, really. K? Thx!


Second: Yes, I did auger into my thigh. Todd and I were putting up towel racks and hooks in all the bathrooms (FINALLY) on Saturday. Well in order to properly "install" the one towel rack, I needed to use an anchor in the drywall. Fair enough. So I had to change the drill bit. Ok, short story: The house we just moved from in Philly, was sold to us by an elderly lady whose husband (long deceased), was a carpenter. She left us all his tools. Which was super nice. Some of the tools, however, maybe should be given to a museum. One such item is the drill. It's made of metal, probably steel. It weighs about 649 pounds...ok, 7. And it's very old fashioned. No safety mechanism on it whatsoever. Come on! This thing HAS to be from the late 40s, early 50s. Well, I had a little skinny drill bit in there, probably something like 3/64ths. Anyway, trying to change it is easy enough, but unwieldy. Well, the weightiness of the drill combined with my Saturday morning agility (think agility -20) caused me to lose my grip on the damn thing. It swung out of my hands, and arced down into my left thigh. Yeah. Made about a 1/8-inch deep (at least) puncture wound there. Ah, the beautiful colors of a bruise....


Third: Dear Amazon.com:

If you even try to get away with sending me that book for my secret pal on freakin' MAY 27TH, I will hunt you down. You understand me? Capisce? M.A.Y. 2.7.T.H = NO. I ordered it on April 3.

PS: DIE IN A FIRE.

Thx!


Fourth: My cats. After a $335 emergency vet bill, we learned that Luna somehow managed to sprain her ACL in her right back knee. (At first they thought she TORE it!) The vet told us that this is a "football injury" and is very common among athletes. Uh huh. So I've nicknamed Luna "John Elway." She seems to be doing better, which is a good thing because if she didn't improve it meant an $1800 surgery. The vet gave us meds for her that we give her twice a day. She takes them well, unlike Luna's polar opposite with regard to medicine, Sophie. And lucky ME, Sophie is sick again. Respiratory infection nonsense. There are no words to describe how insanely difficult it is to get any kind of medication into Sophie. I...just...it's...impossible. I mean I've had Todd put her in a headlock and I've done a quarter Nelson on her and still need the jaws of life and a couple of locksmiths to pry her mouth open. This is while she is trying to claw us to bloody pulps, too. Sigh.


Fifth: Work! Aside from the usual oddities and frustrations, I arrived at work to day to find a rather cryptic email from one of the professors in my department. This professor --- an aging, half-deaf, Korean man --- is notorious for sending bizarre, somewhat nonsensical correspondence over e-mail, usually to the department secretary. Well, today was my turn. Here it is:

DEAR GINA,

ARE YOU HAVING MICHAEL?

RK

Yes. That's it. No, no abridging or editing took place. That is the entire e-mail. Dear friends, it took every ounce of restraint in my body not to write back: "For what? Dinner?" Or: "Yeah, I'm dilated 9 centimeters; it should be any minute now...."


Sixth: World of Warcraft. I love it. There's no changing that. WARNING: I am about to discuss some geeky, RP, online-gaming stuff. Ok? One of my characters joined a guild. I am really enjoying being in said guild. BUT...there is this one guild member that just drives me bat-shit crazy. The best way to explain this is to just post the IM conversation I had with Nicole about this. I've removed or changed names, and I tried to clean up our sailor-mouth swearing a little, so take that as a warning too :

me: ok I am going to rant for second here about WOW and my guild
nicole: LOL ok
me: if that's ok
nicole: go for it, dude!
me: ok
nicole: LOL
me: One of my characters, my "main," is in a guild.
nice guild. I like it there.
ok.
there is this one guild member named XXXXXX that drives me f'n nuts
I can't explain it but she makes me BONKERS.
I'm assuming it's a she; the character is a female night-elf something-or-other.
Like every f'n time she has to go away from her computer, instead of putting up an /afk
nicole: she poops in the house?
me: she has to tell you what she's doing
LOL!
So it's like "Phone call, brb!"
nicole: "i'm going to go feed my cats, and then poop a little, and then do some other crapzoid!"
me: "Visitors! BRB" LMFAOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
nicole: "putting on a tutu and dancing with Leslie Neilson! brb!"
me: "Oops nature calls! BRB!"
EXACT-F'ING-LY
ok
THEN she's like "ok I'm back!" when she comes back
and I'm like OH GOODIE!!!
nicole: OH GREAT I'M SO EXCITED TO SEE YOUR F'ING STUPID FACE
me: Then one time I was in the Un'Goro Crater with Todd's character
and she was there
and sees me
nicole: and you were like noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
me: and says "What are you working on? You need any help?"
And I told her what I was doing (A quest called "Chasing A-Me", which involves rescuing a mechanical gorilla in a cave with other mean-ass douchebag gorillas around it)
ok
nicole: LMFAO WTF
me: CRYING LMFAO
I am so blogging this convo
anyway
So she goes "Oh I can totally help you! Meet you at the cave!"
So I invite her to our group and we get to the cave
nicole: LOL "i'm blogging this!"
and she's like BRB MONKEY POO!
me: LMFAO I go in there with Todd and we kill like 2 angry douche gorillas
and she goes "Oh I have to go do some stuff for this other quest, you all will be ok right?"
And we were like "Um...I guess so?"
nicole: why the frack did she offer to help????
me: EXACT-F'ING-LY
nicole: what a whore!
me: Poor Todd died like 4 times
nicole: OMG kick her in the tooth
me: Then the other night---ok first of all
I am a hunter, I am a Dwarf, so I use guns
and there are these things you can attach to your guns (and bows, I think) that increase damage, called scopes
ok
so I bought a sweet-ass, level 59 gun on the auction house
and I wanted the top-of-the-line scope for it.
It's an Adamantite Scope.
ok
to buy one outright from the auction house is 35 f'ing gold .
the gun only cost me 9 or 10 gold
so I was like NO WAY
nicole: JEEZ that's ridiculous!
me: SO i looked up what materials are needed to make the scope
And I bought the materials instead. Total was about 12 gold
nicole: "first ingredient: annoying girl. woo i know one!"
me: LOL Well I can't make the thing. You have to be an engineer, which I don't have as a profession.
nicole: shit!
me: and you have to be a very advanced engineer anyway.
So I ask in guildchat:
"Hey folks! Can anyone make me an Adamantite Scope? I have the mats."
Like 2 seconds later she goes
"I can't!"
nicole: I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHO CAN'T I WANT TO KNOW WHO CAN
me: THX! YOU ARE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HELPFUL!!!!
nicole: RTARDFACE
me: I wanted to f'n log off, log on as one of my Horde characters, go to wherever she was, and go PVP on her ass.

Hope you are not bleeding from the eyes after that tirade of vitriol. It was worse, believe me!


Finally: I hate the USPS. Can you please stay open past 6:00pm? PLEASE? My poor secret pal's package is still sitting in my dining room because I can't get to the post office when it's open, which is for like 1.25 hours a day and only 2 days a week.


What IS right with me???