...And the Rage Continues

Alright, kids.  Time for a pop quiz!  Did you all watch Game of Thrones last night?  NO?  You read the books instead?  Ah, well.  Sucks to be you.  Prepare for a failing grade.

1) The title of this week's episode should be:
A-  Wait, Jaime is Dyslexic?
B-  Reading is fundamental, hunty.
C-  Lame
D-  Rated R for retarded
E-  All of the above

2) How many people are with Theon when he takes Winterfell?
A-  1000
B-  2000
C-  5000
D-  3
E-  7000

3) Number of naked boobs in tonight's episode:
A- 472
B- 3
C- Ros
D- None
E- Come on, there has to be at least ONE.

4) Famous line cut from story despite having 15 perfect opportunities to include it:
A- You know nothing, Jon Snow
B- Why did I cash the check?
C- I'm Sam and I like girls!!!
D- Slurp, slurp
E- None of the above

5) Arya named what infamous person from her list to Jacqen H'ghar and as a result that person dies:
A- Cersei
B- Joffrey
C- Polliver
D- Raff the Sweetling
E- Some random dude that nobody knows or cares about who isn't even really evil.

6) Theon gets it on with whom?
A- Ros
B- Yara
C- Maester Luwin
D- Osha
E- Hodor

7) Percentage of episode's deviation from the actual book's text:
A- 10
B- 50
C- 99.8
D- 25
E- None

Other annoyances:

Arya is cup bearer to Tywin, which is in itself stupid.  Ok but then Littlefinger comes to visit Tywin.  Arya is there pouring wine for both Littlefinger and Tywin.  It's a collision course to wackiness!!  Several times, Arya gets in Littlefinger's line of sight and he takes notice of her more than once or twice--- she even spills wine on him.  You mean to tell me that the most sharp, shrewd, conniving asshole in King's Landing doesn't recognize Arya Stark?  COME ON.

Rodrik Cassel returns to Winterfell with NO men, and is...beheaded by Theon?!?!?  Um...what?  Where's Ramsay Snow and his ARMY?? 

According to the TV show, there are only 2 children at Winterfell by this point: Bran & Rickon.
Where are Meera and Jojen Reed, and Big & Little Walder Frey? 

Osha uses sex to ensure her "freedom" from Winterfell.  O...k?  First of all, that whole scenario is fucked up on SO many levels. But riddle me this, Batman: Osha wakes up, Theon is still sleeping, nude [shudder], next to her --- totally unarmed. She creeps out and kills one of Theon's men (slits his throat after pretending to come-on to him; so utterly bizarre...) in order to get to Bran, Rickon, and Hodor to help them escape. Uh...Why in the name of Hodor's almighty wang didn't she JUST KILL THEON?!?!?!?  Hmmm?  HMMMM????  There was nobody else in the room but the two of them.  He was sleeping, nude (blargh), and didn't even notice that she woke up and left. Didn't even wake up after the ruckus of killing the dude outside.  GO BACK IN AND KILL HIM.  But, if she did that, well, then we'd have no exciting story of escaping from Winterfell and all that follows with one Theon Greyjoy.  Uh huh.  Here's an idea: How about you portray the story as it is actually written?  Then you wouldn't be creating MASSIVE plot holes, inconsistencies, and illogical actions. Welcome to retarded screenplay writing 101.  Any excuse to show full frontal nudity and this show snatches it, regardless of how ridiculous and illogical it is.

They increased The Hound's facial scarring to something finally bordering on hideous, but...it's still on the wrong side.

I Can Remain Silent No More

A few years ago, I read 3.25 books of George R.R. Martin's Song of Ice and Fire Series.  I couldn't get through the 4th book, though I am considering trying to get it finished and moving on to book 5.  There are two reasons that I never finished the fourth book.

First, Martin's storytelling was not following traditional chronological order, as most books do (unless you're reading Faulkner...).  Meaning, that there were several characters' story lines left hanging at the end of book 3 that would not appear at all in book 4, but in book 5.  Book 4 and 5 happen pseudo-simultaneously, overlapping for a good majority of the narrative.  Given that it took Martin something like 6 years to move the story from book 4 to book 5, I was in NO rush to finish book 4 with the uncertainty of the rest of the books.

Second, the story, while mostly well-conceived and written, is one of the most soul destroying tales you could ever read.  If you're generally an upbeat person who is in a good mood and want all that to stop, then I suggest picking up this series.  That said, there are still some great moments and very compelling characters. In fact, there are about 857690348678956732067358901 unique characters that I came across while reading books 1, 2, 3, and 1/4 of the 4th, which made the tales of the somewhat-less-interesting characters who WERE included in book 4 very much less desirable to read.

Anyway, I am far from being an expert on this series.  However, after watching season 1 and some of season 2 of HBO's butchery adaptation of the books, I remain confused and irritated.  Here are some of my grievances, in no particular order.  And a warning: there will probably be spoilers below:

1) Why is Catelyn Stark 60? I mean, really. Overall, the ages of several of the characters seem...off.  I get it that you can't cast most of the 13- or 14-year-old female characters as really that age, given the the sexual nature of some of their stories.  But seriously, there is no excuse for Catelyn, she's supposed to be like 38.  They couldn't find ANYONE else to do that role?  I call bullshit on that.  Seriously.

2) Speaking of casting, here are some other major casting no-nos:

• Jon Snow.  WTF?  Jon Snow's description in the book: "He is slender and dark with grey eyes."  Um...HBO's Jon Snow looks like any of my relatives from Italy.  Super-dark eyes, short, with a mess of curly, dark hair, and NOT slender (though not overweight by any means).  He would have been a better Gendry (who is cast poorly as well ---WAY too old, for one thing.)
• Margaery Tyrell.  Book's description: "She is doe-eyed and pretty with long, curly brown hair."  Yeah, not so much.  In the show she's wall-eyed and has reddish/auburn hair. "Doe-eyed" also typically means brown-eyed.  I don't know of any does with blue eyes....
• Loras Tyrell. Book's description: "He is young and handsome with a mass of brown curls."  TV Show:  Young, yes. Handsome enough, but blond as blond can be.
• Lysa Arryn.  Book's description: "She is short, white, and puffy with long auburn hair and watery blue eyes."  Not quite. Skinny as a rake and actually more olive complected.
• Theon Greyjoy.  Book's description:  "He is a lean dark youth."  TV Show:  A fucking ugly-ass GINGER.
• Asha Greyjoy. (who, for some unknown, retarded reason, is called Yara in the TV Show. WTF?) Book's description: "She is lean and long-legged with short black hair and a sharp nose in a thin face."  Let's take those one at a time, shall we?  Lean? Not really (average build).  Long-legged? No (average).  Short black hair? Definitely not (long, dirty blond).  Sharp nose? No (round, doughy nose).  Thin face? Nada (full face).  Great job, HBO! See for yourself:

• Davos Seaworth.  Book's description: "He is slight with a common face and brown eyes and hair with a beard peppered with gray." TV Show: looks older than dirt, all gray beard, almost bald, kind of stocky, light eyes.

And THE WORST, MOST EGREGIOUS casting error of all:

• Renly Baratheon. Renly in the books: "He is tall and handsome, with jet-black hair to his shoulders and laughing green eyes."  I seem to recall that he also prefers to be beardless.  Renly in the TV show:  short, dopey, whining puss with short brown hair and lifeless brown eyes; full beard; no charisma, no presence, no nothing.  He's just...blah. 

Now, I do realize that the "look" of a character isn't everything.  There has to be something special about the actor's ability to bring a character to life.  Like Tyrion, for example.  I really can't give HBO too much credit for casting Peter Dinklage.  I mean, who ELSE can you possibly cast to play a dwarf?  Warwick Davis?  Nah.  The dude who was Mini Me?  Hell fucking no.  Dinklage was sort of a no-brainer.  But Tyrion in the books is not just a dwarf, but an UGLY dwarf: jutting forehead, mismatched eyes (black & green), almost albino blond hair....  Peter Dinklage is NOT ugly as Tyrion.  But his delivery of dialog and general carriage of the character are just about the only redeeming thing about the HBO show.  None of the "actors" I mention in my list above truly embodies the character they are supposed to be portraying, with Renly being the stand-out worst.

And who is really to blame?  Certainly not the actor, despite his obvious limitations.  It's the HBO screenplay "writers." Which brings me to...

3) The very bad, horrible, un-good screenwriting.  Now here's were a lot of people will argue with me, I'm sure.  For one thing, it's a given that nothing on screen is ever really as good as the original texts from whence it sprung.  People's imaginations are far superior to anything rendered via TV.  But also, many will argue that they shouldn't HAVE to read the books in order to enjoy a TV show.  They are willing to take the show at face value and be happy with that.  Yeah, ok.  But THAT story is a confusing, goofy, crazy, wildly different bastardization of an actual really good, not-confusing, more-interesting story.  So why screw with the source material?  Dunno.  Money?  Probably. Contempt for the audience?  For sure.  Wait, contempt? Why contempt?  Here's why, again using poor Renly.

Renly is gay.  No, really, he is.  Let's start with that.  That is where the similarities between book and show end. The Renly in the book is a tall, strapping lad; gregarious, charming, friendly; the people of The Realm love Renly (who is/was the king's brother).  Renly loves his brothers: Robert, the king (who dies fairly early in the series) and even Stannis (though stoic and strained).  Renly appreciates a good hunt and enjoys a jousting tournament as much as any red-blooded male.  Renly has a whole lot going for him.  Being gay is really so far on the bottom of a very long list of recognizable characteristics of Renly that it's almost completely unimportant.  In fact, it IS unimportant until the second book, when he marries Margaery Tyrell.  (Producing heirs is pretty damn pivotal to survival in this world.) It's actually quite a good moment when you, as the reader, say, "Ohhh, a-ha! Well, damn! I wonder what will happen??!!"  The good writing of the books establishes in a very quiet and unassuming way that Renly is gay.  Few people really know about it, and those that do seem to have a c'est la vie attitude about it.  At no point does Martin push it down your throat.  And Renly's being gay is in no way a hindrance to his outstanding moral character: he's your all-around, #1, stand-up, perfect dude. 

Ok so what's wrong with TV's Renly?  Well, first of all, everyone in Westeros knows Renly is gay, even random foot soldiers fighting half a continent away.  This is something people sneer at and try to use against him.  The first appearance of Renly on screen elicited from my lips a frantic, "Wait, who's that? No...it can't be...Renly?!" Renly is a simpering, moody, eye-rolling dolt and within 14 seconds another character (Littlefinger) makes a backhanded comment about his homosexuality.  Wait, what?! The very next visual we get of Renly is Loras Tyrell shaving his chest in a bathtub.  Yes, they are lovers, which in theory is true to the books, but its over-the-top presentation on screen is obnoxious.  It's like HEY!  LOOK!  RENLY'S GAY!  GAY, I TELLS 'YA!  Just in case the viewer is still clueless, HBO's writers treated us with the gift of gay oral-sex, complete with slurping.  Thanks for that, HBO.  I can honestly say that Renly, as he is written in the books, is one of the most positive representations of homosexuality that I have seen in ANY fantasy-type literature.  He's pretty much awesome on toast.  HBO took this awesome, likable, multifaceted man, who just happened to be gay, and turned him into nothing more than the stereotypical "gay guy," with none of his majorly fantastic qualities intact! Moreover, his "gayness" is presented with such negative connotation (I remind you of the chest-shaving, slurping scene), which is so awful and offensive to gays everywhere.  I thought it was horrible and I'm only 25% gay.  Heh.  It's SO frustrating.


SPOILER ALERT


Renly dies.  Well, he's murdered, kind of.  In the books, this is devastating.  As a reader, I was so upset by the loss.  It hit almost as hard as Ned Stark's death.  Knowing that the HBO Renly will die soon (probably next episode), I'm like "whatever."  He has been written as completely uninteresting, uninspiring, unimportant. I wonder what viewers who haven't read the books will think when he's killed? Probably "Aw, man! No more gay sex scenes!"  Oh wait, there is always...ROS.

4)  This Ros person.  Ros is the equivalent of dog shit.  She is everywhere on screen.  She's a prostitute who's had more wangs than a Chinese telephone directory. She also got her degree in whore training, with a double minor in scissoring and in spanking.  I think Ros has seen the bedchamber of every other male in King's Landing, aside from Renly (WHO IS GAY, ZOMG, DID YOU KNOW?! HEAR YE! HEAR YE! SLURP! SLURP!). Come on, are we to believe she's the ONLY prostitute in King's Landing?  Really?  Yet...she doesn't exist in the books.  At all.  There's plenty-o-sex in the books; most of it actually means something with regard to the story as it unfolds. Yet HBO decided it would be a better idea to add stupid, meaningless sex from a made-up character we care nothing about, rather than keep the original, story-progressing sex.  O...kay?  I'm tired of Ros. Tired of her boobs. Tired of her cooter.  GO away, Ros.

5) There is no such thing as large-scale, unless we're talking about Hodor's wang.  If you're going to bring a story with as huge a scope as Game of Thrones to the screen, then you're going to have to do better than King Robert's hunting party of five people.  Yeah, this was supposed to be like a vanguard of people.  Daenerys' Dothraki?  She arrived at Qarth with what looked like 12 people and a mule.  Get with the program, HBO.  You knew what you were signing up for.  If the sacking of Winterfell or the Battle of Blackwater ends up looking like this, I'll be pissed (but not surprised):

6) In the immortal words of David Bowie: "Turn and face the stranger ch-ch-changes..."  I hate things that change just for the sake of changing.  There is no benefit to the story from most of the tomfuckery that HBO has done with the plot and characters.  In fact, it makes it more confusing and leads viewers down really, really wrong paths.  Recall that there are some 857690348678956732067358901 characters in the series.  Screwing with their personalities, their names, very existence, etc. is just unacceptable.  Ok so who's pissing me off now?

• Littlefinger (Petyr Baelish): In the books: He's a shrewd "master of coin" and knows how to play well at political intrigue.  He has a history with Catelyn's family (The Tullys), having been raised with them as a ward.  He is pretty much obsessed with Catelyn.  Throughout the story (as far as we've gotten through on TV), his deep motivations and involvement in the bigger picture remain mysterious (until later) and he plays his hands very carefully.  On TV: a monologuing pimp. And where is Jeyne Poole?  You were supposed to kidnap her and pretend she was Arya. 
• Cersei Lannister:  In the books:  One of the most despicable excuses for a human being in Westeros.  She has absolutely no redeeming qualities at all.  She cares not one iota for her children (or anyone else's), except for how they can be used help her position.  Example: all of her living children are products of incest between her and her brother Jaime (all blond).  Once, she was pregnant by her husband, King Robert.  She hated him so much that she aborted the baby.  But on TV: Cersei mentions to Catelyn that she once had a baby that looked like Robert (black hair) but that it died from a fever. You actually feel bad for Cersei.  Note: YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO FEEL BAD FOR CERSEI. EVER. She is continually played as an eccentric, sad victim of circumstance.  
• Jeyne Westerling and all of House Westerling.  First of all, there are no "field nurses" anywhere in the series. Second, why is she now called Talisa and what is this "I am from the Free City of Volantis" shit?  The Westerlings are not a bunch of random commoners and they are NOT from Volantis, as they nearly formed a marriage alliance with the Lannisters, to whom they now are loyal.  They wouldn't have their daughter running around a battleground cutting off people's gangrenous legs.  Also she's supposed to appear later in the story when Robb takes The Crag.  This is changed or at the very least completely unclear on TV.  See, also A BIG BAD THING is supposed to happen at Winterfell right about the same time... SIGH.  Let's just say that the story of Jeyne Westerling's involvement with the events that are taking place (or supposed to be taking place) and WILL take place is very important.  Remember how Robb is supposed to marry Walder Frey's daughter to secure the Crossings in a war strategy? Yeah...keep that thought.
• Alton Lannister.  Who the fuck is this?  This person does not exist in the books.
• Margaery Tyrell: In the books, she's 16.  On the TV Show (quoting from HBO's profiles): "...Somewhere in her mid to late twenties, she is surprisingly canny and cunning."  NO. 
• Arya Stark:  Mostly I like Arya in the show, but they are screwing around with her story way too much. For one thing, she never serves Tywin Lannister as his cup-bearer.  He's barely even at Harrenhal. And Tywin certainly doesn't out Arya as being a girl.  She works in the kitchens of Harrenhal when Tywin is there (briefly) and the two never even meet.  She does become a cup-bearer to Roose Bolton, who is lord of Harrenhal (not that you'd ever know this, since HE'S TRAIPSING AROUND THE WESTERLANDS WITH ROBB FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON). Also, if they are at the cup-bearer part of her story, which is towards the end of the second book, at episode FOUR of the TV show, then they are seriously chopping her story down to bare bones.  And that sucks.  Another problem: Her most famous mantra -- an ever-growing litany of all the people she wants to see dead -- is something that she came up with all on her own, not as a result of some story told to her by Yoren.  Another of her famous quotes,"Fear cuts deeper than swords," is gone.  All the actual character (fearless, resourceful, smart) of Arya's character is all but absent on TV.  She just kind of stands around looking sad all the time.  Arya in the books is BAD-ASS.
• Shireen?  Patchface?  Anyone?  Bueller?
• Joffrey Baratheon:  A nasty prick in the books.  Not a nice guy, by any means.  But also not a sadist who forces whores to beat each other under threat of death-by-crossbow.  It's not Game of Grand Theft Auto III. Come on.
• The Hound (Sandor Clegane):  Isn't nearly as badly disfigured on his face as it is described in the books. The word "hideous" is used on more than one occasion: "He has no left ear, a twisted mass of scars around his left eye and down by his jaw, bone is apparent, where the skin had burned away." 

  This looks hideous?  Not so much.

• Also? Hey, HBO? Did anyone over there even read Game of Thrones?  The disfigurement should be ON HIS LEFT FUCKING SIDE, RETARDS.  I mean how hard is it to get THAT right?  What could possibly be the point of making a conscious decision to change the side?  Oh wait, there IS no point.  Arbitrary, stupid "change," which I would bet is purely a goof.  But this kind of stuff is important to viewers who enjoy the books and who are interested in the character.  The Hound has a big story, he's way more than a grumpy guy who stands around the Iron Throne.

I hate you, HBO. And this is only after 1 season and 4 episodes of the 2nd. Stop the ride; I want to get off.

What-ever

My husband just showed me the article on MSN.com about the "Ten Worst Actors on TV today." This was the most bogus article ever. A few people on there I didn't even recognize. However, William Shatner was on there (I think he was 3rd), along with Gillian Anderson AND my man, Matthew Fox (ranked 10th, though). Ok. Didn't Shatner win a freakin' Emmy for his performance in Boston Legal? Am I imagining this? Is Gillian Anderson even ON TV anymore?

The reason they gave for Fox being a terrible actor? The character Jack on Lost is too "weepy." And that they don't understand why Jack seems to be the crux of the show and don't know why there are so many episodes about Jack and "close-up shots" of Jack. First of all, none of this has anything to do with his acting. You don't like the show's direction or the character? Fine. Don't call it bad acting. And also, oh really? You don't KNOW? Are you friggin' BLIND? Must have been a dude that wrote the article....

Because really, acting 'aint what it's about:

HOTNESS

Hilarious

For Lost fans, I invite you to visit the Sawyer Nickname Generator.

For the record, I'm "Two Bits." I actually kinda like it!

You Really CAN Learn From TV

I wouldn't exactly call myself a TV junkie. Maybe at one point I was: pre-knitting, pre-6 cats, pre-Todd. Yet even now there are some shows that I like to watch periodically, some cartoons, etc. I do enjoy me some British comedy and most of the shows on BBC America. Then there's Lost. Don't even get me started....

I used to watch the Food Network a lot. I liked many of the shows on there and the "chefs" they had seemed down-to-earth and approachable. Hell, I even liked Rachel Ray back in the day. I'll admit that. However, this is WELL before her funny and hokey, little 30-Minute Meals show turned into a freakish, sprawling, insane, and reviling enterprise of her screaming maw on everything from magazines, to cookware, to Triscuits, and beyond. Now I pretty much can't stand the sight of her.

I digress.

Anyway, folks like Sarah Moulton (whose show isn't even on anymore, BOO), Ina Garten, and Alton Brown just seemed so different than the stodgy TV chefs I remember seeing when I was a kid. I suddenly recall a PBS series called Great Chefs of New Orleans. In retrospect, this show was probably very good and featured REAL CHEFS. But watching it as a 9-year old, I could barely understand what was going on. Everything was so complicated and most of the chefs had heavy accents, often foreign.

Hold on, back up there. What about Julia Child?



I grew up believing that Julia Child was a stuffy, British woman, probably a grandmother of about 12, who was most likely born in a kitchen with a recipe for Beef Bourguignon attached to her umbilical cord.

Aside from definitely being a woman, she was none of those things I mentioned above. But was, quite possibly, one of the most admirable women I have ever come to learn about. And just what medium disabused me of all these WRONG notions I contrived about Julia Child? A TV show on the Food Network called Chefography.

Briefly, here's what I learned:

First of all, she wasn't British. I have absolutely NO idea where I got that idea in my head. She was, actually, from California. Free-spirited and fiercely intelligent, she despised cooking and thought it was merely a utilitarian means to make foods edible.

Julia wanted to make a difference in the world. She joined the American Red Cross after the bombing of Pearl Harbor. And later, her career took her overseas to Sri Lanka where she worked for the US government's Secret Service Office, which later would become the CIA. It was there she met her future husband, Paul Child. At age 34, she married Paul and 2 years later, the couple found themselves stationed in Paris, France.

It wasn't until 1949 that Julia Child seriously thought about cooking. She was 37 years old. Living in Paris certainly influenced her desire to learn, as well as her husband's cultured past as a poet and artist. She attended cooking school at Le Courdon Bleu. Julia was fun, smart, and practical with an ordered mind, yet a sense of adventure: a perfect combination to excel at the art of cooking.

And she did.

I'd like to say "...and the rest is history." But that would be an extreme disservice to Julia Child. I don't think many people realize how significant this woman was. She started her own cooking school with 2 of her friends; a real, gourmet cooking school for women. She wrote the compendium on French cooking, in 2 volumes. I'd like to own these someday, if they are still in print.

It wasn't until 1962 when anyone actually saw Julia Child on a television set. And it wasn't a cooking show. It was a book-review show on WGBH, a PBS station in Boston. On that show, Julia cooked an omelet right there, live. TV audiences wanted more Julia! In 1963 her cooking show, The French Chef, debuted on PBS. Julia was 51 years old. This was one of the first TV cooking shows to be met with resounding success. The show ran for 10 years, and then ran in re-runs until 1987.

It was probably during the 1975-1980 time-frame when I first saw Julia Child on TV. How little I understood, then, about what her life was like, her experiences, her fire, and her brilliance.

By the end of Chefography, I was nearly in tears. I loved everything about the real Julia Child. And how sad I was to have had this epiphany about her at this point in my life, age 35. But then again, as someone who didn't so much as pick up a frying pan until she was my age, Julia would have understood.

Thanks, Julia, for being you.

Absolutely Hilarious

I'm not a fan of Jimmy Kimmel, but GOD, this is side-splitting hilarious:

Childhood Memories

Ever see something that you haven't seen in like 25 years and it just brings back so many memories? Todd and I were eating lunch in a restaurant the other day and this Tom & Jerry cartoon was playing in the background on a random TV. I was so drawn to it that I nearly poked my eyes out with the straw about 4 times. It's funny as hell, too. Especially the part where Tom gets squashed into the stairs. It starts at about 5:40 in the cartoon. Oh man, I cracked up hard.

Get Back To Work, You Bums

That's part of the first sentence of an e-mail that I so badly want to send to the idiots, er I mean writers who are on strike. Now they are "writing" these silly, self-serving, eye-roll-inducing web ditties about how important they are. They even give their e-mail address, just in case you want to write a letter to them. You know, so you can tell them how awesome they are. PUH-LEASE.

Here it is: speechlesswithoutwriters@gmail.com

And here is my letter:

Dear "Writers" Guild:

Either shut the hell up or get back to work, you bums. That is, if you can even justify what you do as being "work." You guys write the most trite, contrived, stupid garbage that has ever had the misfortune to be committed to scripts and/or screenplays. Believe me, I really can survive in a world without the likes of Saw 4, Two and a Half Men, and I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. Really. If you spent a quarter as much time writing half-way decent stuff for television and film as you did to write your own whiny, self-aggrandizing bullshit that's on YouTube, then maybe I'd actually want to watch TV or go to a movie.

Get over yourselves. You suck.

Sincerely,
Me

You know, when I think about it, almost every fairly decent movie I've seen over the last 10 years or so has been based on someone ELSE'S writing. For example: The Lord of the Rings trilogy. And honestly, the only current TV show I watch is Lost. Everything else I watch on TV is on BBC America! Maybe these writers can tune in there and take some lessons....

How I Know Hell Exists

Here are my top 5 reasons why I know Hell exists:

5. Desperately unfunny and/or uninteresting TV shows like The War At Home, The OC, and American Dad remain on the air while great shows like MST3K, Firefly, and The Chappelle Show get canceled or otherwise derailed.

4. The over-PCing of Sesame Street. I grew up with the PBS gems: Sesame Street, Mr. Rogers, and The Electric Company---all very fine shows. My Sesame Street, however, looked a lot different than the Sesame Street as of late. Look people, I want my Count to count obsessively, stun people, and have thunder and lightening crashing around while he laughs like Vincent Price. Cookie Monster eats cookies, goddammit. He's not "carb conscious," you asshats. Telly is, single-handedly, the MOST annoying puppet, character, or cartoon ever created for children's television. Don't even get me started on the Satan-spawn known as Elmo. And what the hell did you do to Grover's fur, you sadists?

3. The Shittin' Bears commercial. Observe:

Whatever happened to Mr. Whipple? Hmmm?

2. The Bratz toy line. More specifically, the BABY Bratz toy line, which now brings us down into the deeper levels of Hell. I'd put Baby Bratz at about the 4th layer. I propose that the name for this line of toys be changed to Whorz. And now, oh THANK YOU, Lionsgate Films, for bringing us...Bratz the Motion Picture!

and the number one reason why I know that Hell exists is...

1. Rachael Ray. Her mantra should be: "I exist, therefore Hell does." That woman is in deeper with the Devil than Hitler. Every time I turn on the freakin' TV, her stupid, Joker-esque maw is spewing forth some bullshit. Look, Ms. Ray? Um, Rachael? Shut your EVOO, yum-o, sammy hole and get the fuck off my Triscuit boxes while you're at it. K? Oh wait, sorry, I have to say it so that you, as an evil succubus of the netherworld, can understand it: THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! Sigh. The only comfort I can take is this: when she dies, (which will be an inordinately long time from now because, hey, only the GOOD die young, or so my grandmom and Billy Joel said), she will, for all eternity have to be the sex slave to 6,164,789 mutant poop demons who look like Nick Nolte when he's having a particularly shitty day (no pun intended)--- oral too. Yeah, I went there.

Lost: Season Three, Oh Please Don't Suck, I'm Begging You

I don't watch much television, despite the 42" glowing box that occupies a large portion of my living room. When I do turn it on, it's usually to play Katamari Damacy or to watch one of my DVDs. If I actually scan the cable channels, I end up watching cooking shows, the BBC America channel, Spongebob Squarepants, or the G4 video-game channel. However, there is one prime-time show on a national network that I watch regularly. Lost.

I'm not going to go on and on about Lost. There are plenty of psychotically-addicted fans of the show that will expound in great minutia on the idiosyncrasies, inconsistencies, and 450,000 possible theories.

I will say that season one was nothing short of brilliant. The pilot episode alone was such sublime genius like I had never seen on television before, or since. Really, fantastic. Nearly every episode is a memorable one. Indeed, I can probably tell you what happened in every episode in some detail. I'll just give you a brief example of what I'm talking about. It's brief, I promise! In one of the episodes, a character (I won't say who just in case someone reads this who hasn't seen the show and wants to) is choked, pretty much to death, by hanging. The doctor, Jack, accompanied by another character, Kate, find this person hanging from a tree. They take the character down. Dead. Jack administers CPR. No luck. It's pouring rain, getting dark, and these people are in a very dangerous situation. Jack refuses to give up. He basically beats the living crap out of the corpse in an attempt to bring the person back. It's totally unreasonable for a doctor to behave this way, and Kate is looking on in absolute horror, wailing and trying to bring Jack away from the body. It was insane, intense, creepy, and wonderful. And I, myself, was practically sobbing while watching it. It reminded me (a little) of that scene in The Abyss when Ed Harris smacks the shit out of Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio.... There are many moments like this in Lost: season one.

Season two? Mmm, not so much. In fact, I can barely remember anything that happened. A couple of interesting characters were introduced, like Desmond and Mr. Echo. And it had a couple of good moments, but certainly not anything close to the sheer magnificence of season one.

Season three premiers tonight. Dear GOD, please don't let it be like season two, or--- GASP---worse. I can't deal with investing an hour a week on another season like the last one. No way. I don't care how hot Matthew Fox is. I just won't do it. Hmmm...well...he IS pretty freakin' hot, though....

Have a gander at this article that my husband forwarded to me today. I agree with every point on it, except for portions of point #9. I don't really need to see the characters getting it on. And we HAVE seen that anyway in the past on the show. But anyway, go read it now. The end.