Because I finished the fucking pinwheel sweater! AW YEAH, BITCHES!
Nearly four and a half years after I started, it is, indeed, finally done. I wandered around the house while wearing this for about 20 minutes contemplating the idea of not having this unfinished project looming in the back on my mind somewhere. It was very bizarre. I felt like Frodo after the ring was destroyed in Mount Doom. To put it another way: I cast this on when George Bush was president, m-kay?
I don't hate it, but I don't love it either. I think the concept of knitting a giant circle with sleeves was intriguing to me at the time. I was a much less-experienced knitter then, and this project had no shaping, no seaming and it was knit on large-ish needles (size 9). Looking back, this really needs some shaping. Unless you have a perfectly proportioned body---and I don't mean like a gorgeous, photogenic body (though that would help), I mean mathematically perfect---this thing will not fit correctly. And I have neither of the aforementioned.
The yarn (Lion Brand Cotton-Ease) was great to work with. It's very soft and the end result is a very comfy sweater. BUT---there is always a but, isn't there?---it was not the best choice for this project. Because of the cotton content, and the vast amount of yarn required to make this, AND because there are no seams to help with the structuring of the garment (see, knitting a garment without seaming is truly a double-edged sword) this sweater is very heavy and a little droopy. I didn't block it because it doesn't need any help stretching out. Just picking it up from the shoulders I can feel it pulling down and stretching the knitting.
Another problem I have is with the sleeves. There doesn't seem to be a good, fool-proof method for making the sleeves for this sweater. I haven't revisited the pattern instructions for this area in years, but whatever method you use for making the sleeves, they are still done in between YOs, which causes giant holes at the shoulders and back of the armpit areas of the sleeves. I am actually wearing this sweater today. It was cool enough this morning to warrant something, so I figured, why not? It looks fine, but I am extremely peeved about the holes. As the day is progressing, I am noticing that the stockinette around the holes is expanding, probably due to the natural pulling of the garment down from my shoulders (and as I mentioned above, the yarn is helping this right along).
See? RAGE.
At first I thought it was because the sleeves were too tight, but they are actually pretty loose up there. I've got something like 3 inches of extra fabric around my arms. So that's not it. I don't even know what to do about this. Do I try to stitch it together somehow? Mattress stitch, maybe? Do I care? Meh. I'm totally open to your suggestions.
Alright, kids. Time for a pop quiz! Did you all watch Game of Thrones last night? NO? You read the books instead? Ah, well. Sucks to be you. Prepare for a failing grade.
1) The title of this week's episode should be:
A- Wait, Jaime is Dyslexic?
B- Reading is fundamental, hunty.
C- Lame
D- Rated R for retarded
E- All of the above
2) How many people are with Theon when he takes Winterfell?
A- 1000
B- 2000
C- 5000
D- 3
E- 7000
3) Number of naked boobs in tonight's episode:
A- 472
B- 3
C- Ros
D- None
E- Come on, there has to be at least ONE.
4) Famous line cut from story despite having 15 perfect opportunities to include it:
A- You know nothing, Jon Snow
B- Why did I cash the check?
C- I'm Sam and I like girls!!!
D- Slurp, slurp
E- None of the above
5) Arya named what infamous person from her list to Jacqen H'ghar and as a result that person dies:
A- Cersei
B- Joffrey
C- Polliver
D- Raff the Sweetling
E- Some random dude that nobody knows or cares about who isn't even really evil.
6) Theon gets it on with whom?
A- Ros
B- Yara
C- Maester Luwin
D- Osha
E- Hodor
7) Percentage of episode's deviation from the actual book's text:
A- 10
B- 50
C- 99.8
D- 25
E- None
Other annoyances:
Arya is cup bearer to Tywin, which is in itself stupid. Ok but then Littlefinger comes to visit Tywin. Arya is there pouring wine for both Littlefinger and Tywin. It's a collision course to wackiness!! Several times, Arya gets in Littlefinger's line of sight and he takes notice of her more than once or twice--- she even spills wine on him. You mean to tell me that the most sharp, shrewd, conniving asshole in King's Landing doesn't recognize Arya Stark? COME ON.
Rodrik Cassel returns to Winterfell with NO men, and is...beheaded by Theon?!?!? Um...what? Where's Ramsay Snow and his ARMY??
According to the TV show, there are only 2 children at Winterfell by this point: Bran & Rickon.
Where are Meera and Jojen Reed, and Big & Little Walder Frey?
Osha uses sex to ensure her "freedom" from Winterfell. O...k? First of all, that whole scenario is fucked up on SO many levels. But riddle me this, Batman: Osha wakes up, Theon is still sleeping, nude [shudder], next to her --- totally unarmed. She creeps out and kills one of Theon's men (slits his throat after pretending to come-on to him; so utterly bizarre...) in order to get to Bran, Rickon, and Hodor to help them escape. Uh...Why in the name of Hodor's almighty wang didn't she JUST KILL THEON?!?!?!? Hmmm? HMMMM???? There was nobody else in the room but the two of them. He was sleeping, nude (blargh), and didn't even notice that she woke up and left. Didn't even wake up after the ruckus of killing the dude outside. GO BACK IN AND KILL HIM. But, if she did that, well, then we'd have no exciting story of escaping from Winterfell and all that follows with one Theon Greyjoy. Uh huh. Here's an idea: How about you portray the story as it is actually written? Then you wouldn't be creating MASSIVE plot holes, inconsistencies, and illogical actions. Welcome to retarded screenplay writing 101. Any excuse to show full frontal nudity and this show snatches it, regardless of how ridiculous and illogical it is.
They increased The Hound's facial scarring to something finally bordering on hideous, but...it's still on the wrong side.
A few years ago, I read 3.25 books of George R.R. Martin's Song of Ice and Fire Series. I couldn't get through the 4th book, though I am considering trying to get it finished and moving on to book 5. There are two reasons that I never finished the fourth book.
First, Martin's storytelling was not following traditional chronological order, as most books do (unless you're reading Faulkner...). Meaning, that there were several characters' story lines left hanging at the end of book 3 that would not appear at all in book 4, but in book 5. Book 4 and 5 happen pseudo-simultaneously, overlapping for a good majority of the narrative. Given that it took Martin something like 6 years to move the story from book 4 to book 5, I was in NO rush to finish book 4 with the uncertainty of the rest of the books.
Second, the story, while mostly well-conceived and written, is one of the most soul destroying tales you could ever read. If you're generally an upbeat person who is in a good mood and want all that to stop, then I suggest picking up this series. That said, there are still some great moments and very compelling characters. In fact, there are about 857690348678956732067358901 unique characters that I came across while reading books 1, 2, 3, and 1/4 of the 4th, which made the tales of the somewhat-less-interesting characters who WERE included in book 4 very much less desirable to read.
Anyway, I am far from being an expert on this series. However, after watching season 1 and some of season 2 of HBO's butchery adaptation of the books, I remain confused and irritated. Here are some of my grievances, in no particular order. And a warning: there will probably be spoilers below:
1) Why is Catelyn Stark 60? I mean, really. Overall, the ages of several of the characters seem...off. I get it that you can't cast most of the 13- or 14-year-old female characters as really that age, given the the sexual nature of some of their stories. But seriously, there is no excuse for Catelyn, she's supposed to be like 38. They couldn't find ANYONE else to do that role? I call bullshit on that. Seriously.
2) Speaking of casting, here are some other major casting no-nos:
Jon Snow. WTF? Jon Snow's description in the book: "He is slender and dark with grey eyes." Um...HBO's Jon Snow looks like any of my relatives from Italy. Super-dark eyes, short, with a mess of curly, dark hair, and NOT slender (though not overweight by any means). He would have been a better Gendry (who is cast poorly as well ---WAY too old, for one thing.)
Margaery Tyrell. Book's description: "She is doe-eyed and pretty with long, curly brown hair." Yeah, not so much. In the show she's wall-eyed and has reddish/auburn hair. "Doe-eyed" also typically means brown-eyed. I don't know of any does with blue eyes....
Loras Tyrell. Book's description: "He is young and handsome with a mass of brown curls." TV Show: Young, yes. Handsome enough, but blond as blond can be.
Lysa Arryn. Book's description: "She is short, white, and puffy with long auburn hair and watery blue eyes." Not quite. Skinny as a rake and actually more olive complected.
Theon Greyjoy. Book's description: "He is a lean dark youth." TV Show: A fucking ugly-ass GINGER.
Asha Greyjoy. (who, for some unknown, retarded reason, is called Yara in the TV Show. WTF?) Book's description: "She is lean and long-legged with short black hair and a sharp nose in a thin face." Let's take those one at a time, shall we? Lean? Not really (average build). Long-legged? No (average). Short black hair? Definitely not (long, dirty blond). Sharp nose? No (round, doughy nose). Thin face? Nada (full face). Great job, HBO! See for yourself:
Davos Seaworth. Book's description: "He is slight with a common face and brown eyes and hair with a beard peppered with gray." TV Show: looks older than dirt, all gray beard, almost bald, kind of stocky, light eyes.
And THE WORST, MOST EGREGIOUS casting error of all:
Renly Baratheon. Renly in the books: "He is tall and handsome, with jet-black hair to his shoulders and laughing green eyes." I seem to recall that he also prefers to be beardless. Renly in the TV show: short, dopey, whining puss with short brown hair and lifeless brown eyes; full beard; no charisma, no presence, no nothing. He's just...blah.
Now, I do realize that the "look" of a character isn't everything. There has to be something special about the actor's ability to bring a character to life. Like Tyrion, for example. I really can't give HBO too much credit for casting Peter Dinklage. I mean, who ELSE can you possibly cast to play a dwarf? Warwick Davis? Nah. The dude who was Mini Me? Hell fucking no. Dinklage was sort of a no-brainer. But Tyrion in the books is not just a dwarf, but an UGLY dwarf: jutting forehead, mismatched eyes (black & green), almost albino blond hair.... Peter Dinklage is NOT ugly as Tyrion. But his delivery of dialog and general carriage of the character are just about the only redeeming thing about the HBO show. None of the "actors" I mention in my list above truly embodies the character they are supposed to be portraying, with Renly being the stand-out worst.
And who is really to blame? Certainly not the actor, despite his obvious limitations. It's the HBO screenplay "writers." Which brings me to...
3) The very bad, horrible, un-good screenwriting. Now here's were a lot of people will argue with me, I'm sure. For one thing, it's a given that nothing on screen is ever really as good as the original texts from whence it sprung. People's imaginations are far superior to anything rendered via TV. But also, many will argue that they shouldn't HAVE to read the books in order to enjoy a TV show. They are willing to take the show at face value and be happy with that. Yeah, ok. But THAT story is a confusing, goofy, crazy, wildly different bastardization of an actual really good, not-confusing, more-interesting story. So why screw with the source material? Dunno. Money? Probably. Contempt for the audience? For sure. Wait, contempt? Why contempt? Here's why, again using poor Renly.
Renly is gay. No, really, he is. Let's start with that. That is where the similarities between book and show end. The Renly in the book is a tall, strapping lad; gregarious, charming, friendly; the people of The Realm love Renly (who is/was the king's brother). Renly loves his brothers: Robert, the king (who dies fairly early in the series) and even Stannis (though stoic and strained). Renly appreciates a good hunt and enjoys a jousting tournament as much as any red-blooded male. Renly has a whole lot going for him. Being gay is really so far on the bottom of a very long list of recognizable characteristics of Renly that it's almost completely unimportant. In fact, it IS unimportant until the second book, when he marries Margaery Tyrell. (Producing heirs is pretty damn pivotal to survival in this world.) It's actually quite a good moment when you, as the reader, say, "Ohhh, a-ha! Well, damn! I wonder what will happen??!!" The good writing of the books establishes in a very quiet and unassuming way that Renly is gay. Few people really know about it, and those that do seem to have a c'est la vie attitude about it. At no point does Martin push it down your throat. And Renly's being gay is in no way a hindrance to his outstanding moral character: he's your all-around, #1, stand-up, perfect dude.
Ok so what's wrong with TV's Renly? Well, first of all, everyone in Westeros knows Renly is gay, even random foot soldiers fighting half a continent away. This is something people sneer at and try to use against him. The first appearance of Renly on screen elicited from my lips a frantic, "Wait, who's that? No...it can't be...Renly?!" Renly is a simpering, moody, eye-rolling dolt and within 14 seconds another character (Littlefinger) makes a backhanded comment about his homosexuality. Wait, what?! The very next visual we get of Renly is Loras Tyrell shaving his chest in a bathtub. Yes, they are lovers, which in theory is true to the books, but its over-the-top presentation on screen is obnoxious. It's like HEY! LOOK! RENLY'S GAY! GAY, I TELLS 'YA! Just in case the viewer is still clueless, HBO's writers treated us with the gift of gay oral-sex, complete with slurping. Thanks for that, HBO. I can honestly say that Renly, as he is written in the books, is one of the most positive representations of homosexuality that I have seen in ANY fantasy-type literature. He's pretty much awesome on toast. HBO took this awesome, likable, multifaceted man, who just happened to be gay, and turned him into nothing more than the stereotypical "gay guy," with none of his majorly fantastic qualities intact! Moreover, his "gayness" is presented with such negative connotation (I remind you of the chest-shaving, slurping scene), which is so awful and offensive to gays everywhere. I thought it was horrible and I'm only 25% gay. Heh. It's SO frustrating.
SPOILER ALERT
Renly dies. Well, he's murdered, kind of. In the books, this is devastating. As a reader, I was so upset by the loss. It hit almost as hard as Ned Stark's death. Knowing that the HBO Renly will die soon (probably next episode), I'm like "whatever." He has been written as completely uninteresting, uninspiring, unimportant. I wonder what viewers who haven't read the books will think when he's killed? Probably "Aw, man! No more gay sex scenes!" Oh wait, there is always...ROS.
4) This Ros person. Ros is the equivalent of dog shit. She is everywhere on screen. She's a prostitute who's had more wangs than a Chinese telephone directory. She also got her degree in whore training, with a double minor in scissoring and in spanking. I think Ros has seen the bedchamber of every other male in King's Landing, aside from Renly (WHO IS GAY, ZOMG, DID YOU KNOW?! HEAR YE! HEAR YE! SLURP! SLURP!). Come on, are we to believe she's the ONLY prostitute in King's Landing? Really? Yet...she doesn't exist in the books. At all. There's plenty-o-sex in the books; most of it actually means something with regard to the story as it unfolds. Yet HBO decided it would be a better idea to add stupid, meaningless sex from a made-up character we care nothing about, rather than keep the original, story-progressing sex. O...kay? I'm tired of Ros. Tired of her boobs. Tired of her cooter. GO away, Ros.
5) There is no such thing as large-scale, unless we're talking about Hodor's wang. If you're going to bring a story with as huge a scope as Game of Thrones to the screen, then you're going to have to do better than King Robert's hunting party of five people. Yeah, this was supposed to be like a vanguard of people. Daenerys' Dothraki? She arrived at Qarth with what looked like 12 people and a mule. Get with the program, HBO. You knew what you were signing up for. If the sacking of Winterfell or the Battle of Blackwater ends up looking like this, I'll be pissed (but not surprised):
6) In the immortal words of David Bowie: "Turn and face the stranger ch-ch-changes..." I hate things that change just for the sake of changing. There is no benefit to the story from most of the tomfuckery that HBO has done with the plot and characters. In fact, it makes it more confusing and leads viewers down really, really wrong paths. Recall that there are some 857690348678956732067358901 characters in the series. Screwing with their personalities, their names, very existence, etc. is just unacceptable. Ok so who's pissing me off now?
Littlefinger (Petyr Baelish): In the books: He's a shrewd "master of coin" and knows how to play well at political intrigue. He has a history with Catelyn's family (The Tullys), having been raised with them as a ward. He is pretty much obsessed with Catelyn. Throughout the story (as far as we've gotten through on TV), his deep motivations and involvement in the bigger picture remain mysterious (until later) and he plays his hands very carefully. On TV: a monologuing pimp. And where is Jeyne Poole? You were supposed to kidnap her and pretend she was Arya.
Cersei Lannister: In the books: One of the most despicable excuses for a human being in Westeros. She has absolutely no redeeming qualities at all. She cares not one iota for her children (or anyone else's), except for how they can be used help her position. Example: all of her living children are products of incest between her and her brother Jaime (all blond). Once, she was pregnant by her husband, King Robert. She hated him so much that she aborted the baby. But on TV: Cersei mentions to Catelyn that she once had a baby that looked like Robert (black hair) but that it died from a fever. You actually feel bad for Cersei. Note: YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO FEEL BAD FOR CERSEI. EVER. She is continually played as an eccentric, sad victim of circumstance.
Jeyne Westerling and all of House Westerling. First of all, there are no "field nurses" anywhere in the series. Second, why is she now called Talisa and what is this "I am from the Free City of Volantis" shit? The Westerlings are not a bunch of random commoners and they are NOT from Volantis, as they nearly formed a marriage alliance with the Lannisters, to whom they now are loyal. They wouldn't have their daughter running around a battleground cutting off people's gangrenous legs. Also she's supposed to appear later in the story when Robb takes The Crag. This is changed or at the very least completely unclear on TV. See, also A BIG BAD THING is supposed to happen at Winterfell right about the same time... SIGH. Let's just say that the story of Jeyne Westerling's involvement with the events that are taking place (or supposed to be taking place) and WILL take place is very important. Remember how Robb is supposed to marry Walder Frey's daughter to secure the Crossings in a war strategy? Yeah...keep that thought.
Alton Lannister. Who the fuck is this? This person does not exist in the books.
Margaery Tyrell: In the books, she's 16. On the TV Show (quoting from HBO's profiles): "...Somewhere in her mid to late twenties, she is surprisingly canny and cunning." NO.
Arya Stark: Mostly I like Arya in the show, but they are screwing around with her story way too much. For one thing, she never serves Tywin Lannister as his cup-bearer. He's barely even at Harrenhal. And Tywin certainly doesn't out Arya as being a girl. She works in the kitchens of Harrenhal when Tywin is there (briefly) and the two never even meet. She does become a cup-bearer to Roose Bolton, who is lord of Harrenhal (not that you'd ever know this, since HE'S TRAIPSING AROUND THE WESTERLANDS WITH ROBB FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON). Also, if they are at the cup-bearer part of her story, which is towards the end of the second book, at episode FOUR of the TV show, then they are seriously chopping her story down to bare bones. And that sucks. Another problem: Her most famous mantra -- an ever-growing litany of all the people she wants to see dead -- is something that she came up with all on her own, not as a result of some story told to her by Yoren. Another of her famous quotes,"Fear cuts deeper than swords," is gone. All the actual character (fearless, resourceful, smart) of Arya's character is all but absent on TV. She just kind of stands around looking sad all the time. Arya in the books is BAD-ASS.
Shireen? Patchface? Anyone? Bueller?
Joffrey Baratheon: A nasty prick in the books. Not a nice guy, by any means. But also not a sadist who forces whores to beat each other under threat of death-by-crossbow. It's not Game of Grand Theft Auto III. Come on.
The Hound (Sandor Clegane): Isn't nearly as badly disfigured on his face as it is described in the books. The word "hideous" is used on more than one occasion: "He has no left ear, a twisted mass of scars around his left eye and down by his jaw, bone is apparent, where the skin had burned away."
This looks hideous? Not so much.
Also? Hey, HBO? Did anyone over there even read Game of Thrones? The disfigurement should be ON HIS LEFT FUCKING SIDE, RETARDS. I mean how hard is it to get THAT right? What could possibly be the point of making a conscious decision to change the side? Oh wait, there IS no point. Arbitrary, stupid "change," which I would bet is purely a goof. But this kind of stuff is important to viewers who enjoy the books and who are interested in the character. The Hound has a big story, he's way more than a grumpy guy who stands around the Iron Throne.
I hate you, HBO. And this is only after 1 season and 4 episodes of the 2nd. Stop the ride; I want to get off.
Apparently the latest, hottest fashion trend is really poor posture.
Scoliosis! It's the new black!
To wit:
Honey, is the ugliness of your pants --nay-- entire ensemble wearing you down that much?
Note: you can buy the pattern to knit those "pants" for about $10. I'm not making that up.
Warning: Dating vampires causes Kyphosis.
Is it me or does she always look just a little bit morose? Not like "my family died in a fire" sad. But more like "I just failed 2 mid-term exams" sad. Hey, at least she managed to close her mouth in this picture.
And speaking of hunchbacks, it's the bride of Quasimodo! Her wedding vows: "I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!"
It hurts to look at her.
Also? The last time I saw someone wear stripes and paisley together was my 11th grade history teacher and he was insane...and smelled bad.
This eye-assaulting combo is from JCrew's spring/summer 2012 line. Seriously, the colors don't even coordinate at all.
Aww. She looks like she has searing abdominal cramps. Been hittin' the Ex-Lax a little too much, methinks, oh modelly one.
But on the other hand, nice fright wig!
Unlike a lot of women in America, I don't hate Jessica Biel. I think she looks more like a normal woman when compared to most anorexic, Hollywood stars.
However, I do hate this dress (mostly the "funeral-parlor" color) and the fact that she's standing like a mom who's been dragged around Sesame Place for 5 hours with a bunch of screaming kids.
Look kid, eat a sammich and go back to the 6th grade, m-kay? The school nurse is doing the scoliosis test today, and you really can't afford to miss that.
I don't know which Olsen this is, and I really don't care. If you have bigger lady humps on your back than your front, you have a problem. That, or you are somehow descended from a stegosaurus.
Morons, your bus is leaving. We made sure to put ergonomic seating in, just because you lot look like extras from The Walking Dead. Although the "person" on the far right looks like the girl from The Ring. Great, now I'm going to get a phone call and hear "seven days...."
I swear this has to be the most unattractive group of people I've seen since my...well...ever. Just ever.
Cloth pads are more comfortable, better for the environment, less expensive over time and as easy to launder as any other piece of clothing. Women survived periods long before commercial disposable products. Just Saying.
Well here's a post on Regretsy about crochet tampons that really captures what my beef is with these items.
Also, just because we survived for thousands of years without commercially made menstrual items doesn't mean we should keep using them now. Sure, we all survived without penicillin, electricity, education, or the right to vote too....
"My inspiration comes from the resourcefulness of people who don’t have money to buy everything." -- Quoted from an interview with Etsy seller: sartoria. That quote is on Etsy's front page.
And here's what she sells:
"Upcycled" (I hate that fucking word) cashmere underwear for $45.57 a pair. And this is the cheapest thing you can buy from her store. Oh don't forget to add $9.11 to ship ONE PANTY to the US from Canada. Canada. SNORT. I should have known....
Have I mentioned lately how much I hate everyone? No? I HATE EVERYONE.
I got a blessed iPhone back in March. It really is quite a modern miracle. I don't regret for one moment purchasing the iPhone (as part of my 2-year agreement with Verizon, of which I also have NO complaints).
It has made my life infinitely easier and more fun. According to Apple, there are over 500,000 apps available for the iPhone and I'm sure the iPad will overcome that number in the near future. I just can't bring myself to drop $699 on an iPad (hey if you're going to get one, may as well get the BEST one; I mean DOUBLE the GB for $100 more? Hell yes). It looks so fragile and I have no where to put it. It's too big for my purse and would get destroyed in my work messenger bag. The battery doesn't seem to last very long either (but, then again, neither does the one on my phone). My sister's boyfriend has one, so I've actually seen and used one to make my assumptions.
ANYWAY. I've got a bunch o' apps on my phone. Most of them were free. I am really cheap, as you all know. I have purchased a few games, however, that were just SO stand-out great in the free versions that it was worth the couple of bucks. Like Peggle. I absolutely lurve this game. I think the app was normally $3.99, but I got it on sale for some reason for $1.99. And it looks like NOW it's only $.99! I also bought the "Peggle Nights" expansion as in IAP for $.99. We also purchased this game for the xbox360. Very fun, addictive game and great for everyone.
Fruit Ninja is another cool game. I bought this for only $.99. I think they've adapted this game for the xbox360 as well, but we haven't so much as looked sideways at our xbox in months.
Since about May, I've been playing a game called Stamp Art Fever. I actually have the PRO version, but I got it free, so I saved myself a whopping $1.99, which is what it costs now. Anyway, the game is, in a nutshell, stamp collecting. Sounds dull. But it's oddly fun and soothing. Or at least it USED TO BE. In the last few months my silly little stamp-collecting game has grown quite bloated and is moving in a direction that disappoints me so much.
Let me preface my rant by saying that I have actually carved out a little niche for myself in this game. I am ranked 12th world-wide of iPhone app users (I think iPad has its own list) on GameCenter's leader board---12th out of about 4000. Not too shabby. [Update 12/3: I am now ranked 9th!]
So it would be nice if the game's developers would pay some attention to the folks who have been playing this game for months (it was practically new when I started playing) instead of playing to the "band-wagoners" that stroke their egos every time they make some lame announcement or "improvement" to the game.
First Problem: The developers are Italian. Now, this itself isn't exactly a problem (hey, I'm Italian too). But they have a PAID app on the market that is gaining popularity and the number of grammatical and translational errors (presumably between Italian & English) is absurdly high. I really, really think they should invest in a native-English-speaker editor for everything they do before they commit updates to the app. I know they are making money on this app. How do I know? Well for one thing, the only way to have any success in the game, at least initially) is to invest some real money in buying in-app coins to buy stamp "blisters" in order to beef up your collections for trade or what-not. In the initial month or two of my playing SAF, I must have spent about $30 on in-app purchases either for coins or other options (I'll get to that later). This is A LOT for me (recall that I am both cheap and BROKE). Imagine someone who is not cheap or broke?
Example: There is a stamp in the Extra Rare book entitled "Eagle and the Darky Wood." DARKY? Really? Maybe Italians don't realize what an offensive term that is in the United States. Or maybe it's just a typo. Either way, someone should have fucking PROOFREAD it before it was released. What makes this even MORE infuriating is that there is another stamp in the same collection entitled: "Alone in the Dark Wood." Dark. See? Hire a goddamn proofreader!
Second Problem: Obsession with "cheaters." Look, people. It's frustrating when you create a fun little game and some jerkoff out there exploits the game's code and cheats. Or screws around with their phone's settings to change the days/times/countries in order to cheat. But you know what? It happens; so get over it. No, instead the game developers reduced the number of coins a person can send and receive per day to 40K (it used to be 100K). Now 40K might seem like a lot. But when you're dealing with obsessed people (and I mean there are some people who play this game that are INSANELY obsessed) they will pay upwards of a million coins for a stamp. At 40K a day it's going to take a while to complete a trade/purchase. The developers cited the reduction to 40K per day "to prevent cheating." Um, how exactly does this prevent cheating? Especially since the cheating is probably occurring at the code-level and not the game-play level. To add insult to injury the developers decided to offer the option of paying $.99 to be able to bring the send/receive amount back to 100K. And this is fair...how? To punish a few "cheaters," 4000 iPhone app users would have to cash out another $.99. Seems like a money-making scheme to me. I resisted spending the $.99 but eventually broke down. And here's the be-all, end-all: it didn't work. I STILL can only send and receive 40K. I thought about complaining to the developers, but with the language barrier, I doubt they will even know what the hell I am talking about.
Third Problem: Hall of Fame. About every month or so the developers release an update that usually offers more stamp sets to collect and some improvements. With the version 10 release, the developers instituted a Hall of Fame collection to the game. Of COURSE, this had to be unlocked through an IAP for $1.99. I absolutely refuse to pay for this. It's stupid. When the information on the version 10 update was trumpeted on the blog, they never mentioned that players would have to shell out cash for this feature. It's very unfair. Moreover, because the Hall of Fame is only open at certain times and there are limited numbers of the Hall of Fame stamps, the same few people keep buying up everything in sight to gouge people later who can only buy the stamps from them them. I reckon that the players who can afford to spend hundreds of thousands of coins on these Hall of Fame stamps are the same CHEATERS that the developers keep trying to get rid of. The game has really been reduced to 75% Hall of Fame trading/buying and 25% complaining about cheaters. Also, the Hall of Fame stamps are kind of ugly. Which brings me to...
Fourth Problem (minor problem): Most of the "Art" in the last 3 updates is tailored for dudes. And dudes who fit into one of the following 3 categories:
dudes who like cheesy velvet paintings of exotic, scantly-clothed women
dudes who own a van and with cheesy airbrush art of skulls, hot rods, or more scantly-clothed women
dudes who like gore, horror, listen to heavy metal, or watch the history channel.
Here are some prime examples:
This is called "Lilith" and she's in the Very Important Vampires set in the Extra Rares collection. Yes. There is a whole set of stamps devoted to VAMPIRES. Lame. This falls in ALL THREE of the "dude" categories I mentioned above.
This stamp is in the Autumn set from the Book 2 collections and it is called "Romance." Romance, really? Suuure. Again this one might be lost in the translation....
The "Al Capone" stamp in the Outlaws set of the Extra Rare collection. Totally uninteresting grouping of stamps. I couldn't care less about mobsters, gangsters, or crime lords...
...or the people that chased them. Here's "Eliot Ness" from the Officers set, also in the Extra Rare collection. They based a whole set of stamps on these no-name cops. Aside from Eliot Ness and possibly Donnie Brasco, the people on these stamps are way too obscure. Have YOU ever heard of Joe Petrosino? I didn't think so.
This is a "Water Witch" from the Elemental Witches set in the Extra Rare collection. Yes. A whole set devoted to elemental witches, whatever the hell they are supposed to be. Also? There is a witch in this collection (that I don't have yet) called "Death Witch." Since when is death an element?
"Stone Witch" from the same Elemental Witches set. This is both cheesy AND ugly. Nice job, "artists."
A common "Red Skull" from the Halloween set in the Book 2 collection. Yup. A whole set devoted to Halloween (my most hated holiday ever). By the way, this collection came out in the same update as the Vampires and Elemental Witches. Talk about beating a dead horse. No one fucking cares about Halloween that much. OK? Jeez.
"Nosferatu." Another day, another shitty vampire stamp.
Lastly, I give you:
"Silence." This is in the From Hell set also in the Extra Rare collection: stamps based on horrible and/or famous murders. So lovely. Another stamp in this group is called "Helter Skelter."
You know, I want to see stamps that are pleasing to MY eyes. Since all you dudes got more than your fair share of tits and gore, I demand that the next set of stamps feature nothing but hot photos of Matthew Fox.
Like THIS :
or this:
Or this:
Or this:
Or, hell, I'll even take James Franco:
NO MORE SKULLS, VAMPIRES, WITCHES, BLOOD SPLATTER, MURDER, CRIMINALS, WEAPONS, or HOOCHIES, PLEASE.
Warning...RANT to commence in 5...4...3...2...1...
So yesterday this random woman, who I will call Moron, who was in my friends list (a person who I friended through a friend because of a stupid, bullshit game or petition or something that I can't even remember at this point because it was so long ago) posts the following status update and it showed up in my news feed:
"It's official.. signal at 12;20 it even passed on tv. Facebook will start charging this summer.If you copy this on your wall your icon will turn blue and facebook will be free for you. Please pass this message if not your account will be deleted. p.s, this is serious the icon turns blue, So please put this on your wall."
So, I KNEW halfway through reading it that it had to be fake. False rumors about Facebook charging for their services have been circulating for several years. In about 4 seconds, I did a Google search and found several articles confirming that it was indeed a hoax and not to re-post it on your page.
OK
I posted the link to the article as a comment to her post. This is the link: http://www.hoax-slayer.com/facebook-icon-blue-hoax.shtml
Moron already had about 8-9 comments on there from her apparently LEGALLY RETARDED friends like: "OMG WTF BBQ! I will go back to MySpace!" and "I'm posting it right now! I can't afford to pay!"
So some douchebag (A dude who's profile pic was---I'm not kidding---a woman's nude ASS) posts right after my link: "I'm not clicking on any links, my computer is slow as it is! I'm not screwing it up more."
I responded: "It's just a link to an article confirming that this is a hoax and not to spread false info on your Facebook pages."
So Moron responds: "Yeah, I'm not either." And responds again, to clarify: "not clicking the link, I mean."
I went APE SHIT. I was like WHAT?!?!? Yeah, I'm going to knowingly spread a virus to people in my friends list? RAGE. So, I said to myself, "You all want to be ignorant jerkoffs with your heads up your asses? FINE."
DELETE. I deleted her and about 10 other people who were "friends" by the same definition.
But this stupid, inconsequential, meaningless bullshit pissed me off for the entire rest of the day and even this morning.
I swear, sometimes Facebook is like "watching retards trying to hump a doorknob." Thank you, Patches O'Houlihan.
There really isn't a delicate or demure way to segue into this post so I'm just going to dive right in.
Menstruation is horrible. I hate every second of it. Every 28 days or so I violently curse my womanhood audibly and often in public. I'm not sure why we as a gender haven't changed the name to "35-year, monthly gore and torture fest." I might start a petition. There are few things that ameliorate the situation. Ibuprofen being the stand-out champion in my book. It is nearly impossible to be even the slightest bit comfortable (physically or mentally) for the duration of the monthly catastrophe. But now, after having suffered though 27 years -- and counting -- of this nasty business, I've built up a decent level of resistance to its evil and tolerance for its unfair necessity.
BUT
Every once in a while something comes along in this timeline of feminine existence that leaves one scratching her proverbial head.
I'm talking about reusable, handmade, sewn/knitted/crocheted "feminine products." Really?
Like this, for example:
Here's the etsy link, if you want to buy this as a gag gift (both literally and figuratively). Read the description. This mo-fo is 1/4 inch thick. Yeah, SO comfortable. Awesome. Also, he's the stupidest, most proportionally-bizarre pirate I've ever seen. Blargh.
Or this:
Why the Battenburg parasol? Hmm? Just curious. This is a crochet menstrual pad. Here's the link to buy the pattern, if you have completely lost your mind.
I saw this on Ravelry today. One person commented, "wouldn’t it go through the holes???" Which is, indeed, a valid question and a much kinder, gentler question than the one I was very tempted to pose, which was, "What the fuck?"
Imagine folding over those "wings," and then putting any pair of pants. 'Nuff said.
Or my personal favorite:
Yeah, I don't use normal, hermetically sealed tampons because I think they are gross.
Everyone else getting a picture of actually USING these? Hope you're not eating.
The designer also claims, "I have used these personally for most of the last year, and I can attest that they are comfortable, easy to make, easy to insert and remove, and they absorb as well as a commercial tampon." Uh huh. Riiight.
And for $.50 you can own the pattern to make as many of these darlings as you want. Hmmm...these would make good cat toys, now that I think about it. Whew, that's a relief. Now at least I can look at the picture and apply a more pleasing image of Titus batting one of these around the floor.
For as much as these items are intended to "free" women from the oppression of the evil corporate entities that make feminine products and to bring eco-social-green-whatever consciousness to the forefront, they, in fact, do the exact opposite. Also? They are rigoddamndiculous.
Two points:
1) Think of the time, money, and energy spent making these (albeit, the first one is ready to use but I have seen patterns for sewing them) and then having to wash and sterilize them. I don't know about you, but I don't find that very liberating, nor very eco friendly. I hate my period enough as it is, let alone to have to bear the constant resentment of making and cleaning my own sanitary accessories. Not that I don't believe that I should be responsible for my own body. I should, and I am. But I am not about to be guilted into making my own menstruation pads because of landfills/pollution/global warming, etc. Thanks for making the argument that a woman's ecological footprint is somehow bigger and more insidious than anyone else's. Isn't this the reverse of freedom: to be chained to this biological function that I have no control over? I don't identify myself as a woman because of my period. And I certainly am not willing to waste any more time obsessing over it. I am more than that.
2) You know maybe back in the day when the activities of women were relegated to afternoon tea, needlepoint samplers, and decoupage, these might have been progressive. But for any female from about 1850 to present, they are a hindrance to basic existence. The thought of donning any one of the above atrocities angers me beyond all comprehension. We are not frail, sedentary dolls who come down with frightful cases of the vapors anymore. Moreover, I've never been a slave to fashion. Anyone who's ever seen me knows what I'm talking about. But, I can't imagine any modern, normally-fitting garment worn below the waist working well with 1/4-inch-thick inserts in my panty. How about, oh I don't know...WALKING? Hmm? Am I supposed to just lounge about all day for a week? Recall that it is 2011 and women do not have that luxury (certainly no woman I know). I can't even begin to fathom the level of discomfort associated with those knitted tampons.
I realize that nobody wants to read posts written by (or heaven forbid listen to) people who are complaining all the time. And I feel like in recent years, well, that's about all I ever do.
In the words of the infinitely wise Joel Hodgson, "What IS right with you??" That's the problem. NOTHING seems right with me. It's just one stupid thing on top of another, compounding my frustration, depression, anxiety, and stress. I am allowing uncontrollable forces affect me in ways that I never thought possible. I've always been the stoic stalwart of stability, patience, and calm. Yeah, not so much lately. And by lately, I mean like 7 years. I just want to be normal again. Where are you, normal? Why have you abandoned me?
Ok so, what's my pain-in-the-ass problem today?
Hair. Or rather, lack thereof.
You know, I never had beautiful hair. Not even nice hair. Ever. I accepted it. Sure, it's curly, which to some people is gorgeous. But honestly, my curls have never been those shiny, luscious ringlets that bounce and cascade down like gleaming satin ribbons. Ppfft. My hair has always been a tangled mess of split ends, knots, and frizz. Since I was able to sit in a chair, my mom had my hair chopped off into a style-less, short, nappy helmet. Shirley Temple, I was not. A sheep maybe.... It was manageable for her and that's all that mattered.
Not until I got into high school did I attempt to consider long(er) hair. I'd always wanted it. But I think years of butchery (by Frank Ruggieri) pretty much ruined my hair, leaving it limp, thin, and lifeless. Growing it long and somewhat healthy was an enormous challenge and I never quite achieved it. As punishment for my 2-year attempt (Sophomore & Junior years), sometime in the early part of Senior year (fall 1989) I got head lice. If you've never had head lice, get on your knees right now and thank whatever deity you believe in that you were spared from this horror. If you have had head lice, but were a child, then you can only minimally understand what effect these little buggers have. If you were like me --- a 17-year-old young woman --- when you got head lice, then you know the mental and emotional strain that existed for the next 15 years of your life. You were panicked beyond all human reason every time you showered, or saw a speck of anything on your shirt, or got an itch on your scalp, or felt a stray hair on your neck or forehead. It was AWESOME.
Aside from a barium enema (also done in high school), having head lice was probably the worst physical experience of my entire life, because the mental and emotional stress that lasted for years post-beasties is truly remarkable. I seriously think I had post-traumatic stress disorder.
I'd noticed as I got into my twenties that my hair, despite looking like a wild, thick, poofy nest, was actually quite thin. The curliness obscured the fact that my hair was neither thick nor healthy. And every year, I notice that it's getting thinner and thinner. Frustrating, sure. But never in all my wildest nightmares did I ever expect what is happening to me right now.
I've been diagnosed with alopeciaareata, which is spot baldness. I have a rather large bald spot right at the top of my head toward the front. And by rather large I mean a 2.5-inch diameter circle. Nobody really knows what causes alopeciaareata, nor what will cure it (swell). They DO know that's is an auto-immune disorder. Apparently most auto-immune problems are extraordinarily difficult to fix. So my immune system got stupid and started attacking my hair follicles as if they were foreign invaders. Thanks for that, A-I system, really.
I went to the dermatologist in early November and she gave me a steroid cream to put on it. It barely worked. There was a wee bit of regrowth, but not enough to actually fill in the spot. So I went back for a follow-up on December 15. Aaaand now there are TWO spots. Albeit, the second one is much smaller, maybe 1/2 an inch in diameter. But it's in a spot where I can't see it (top and back of my head). Since the cream was only marginally effective, she gave me several injections of steroids right into my scalp in both bald spots. I have to see her again on January 12. I've been trying to be optimistic, I really have. But it's just been so depressing to look in the mirror for many reasons, and this diagnosis was the straw that broke the camel's back.
It is likely that I got this because other people in my family have/had auto-immune issues. Well that's certainly true. Both my grandmothers had rheumatoid arthritis, my sister had chronic fatigue and adrenal failure, my mom has eczema, and my aunt has a thyroid problem. I'm batting 1000 here. Another factor is STRESS. Many people who are predisposed to auto-immune disorders (raises hand) will experience some kind of auto-immune response to prolonged stress. (There's that pesky word again.) So my sister got chronic fatigue, I got bald. AWESOMESAUCE.
I've been tested several times for a thyroid problem and every time I come back "in range" for acceptable thyroid function. I'm not convinced because I have about 13 of the 15 possible symptoms for Hashimoto'sThyroiditis. Can it really be a coincidence? But I digress.
Ok so, if stress is a catalyst for auto-immune problems, and indeed I AM stressed about a great many things, then when will I ever get better? The answer is NEVER. This hair problem is stressing me out to the ends of my sanity. How can I NOT be stressed? It's impossible. With everything going on in my life, especially in recent years, my stress levels must be off the charts. There is no way for me to control this. Short of hitting a multi-million-dollar lottery, which would solve a multitude of problems, there is little that I can do to lower my stress levels or avoid stressful situations. (Believe me, money CAN buy happiness.) My whole existence is one stressful situation into another.
So, wait, there's MORE awesome to this tale!
Yeah, remember when I mentioned that I noticed that my hair has been getting thinner and thinner over the years? I didn't imagine that. The dermatologist noticed it too. So in addition to the alopeciaareata, I have androgenic alopecia as well. I am losing my hair ALTOGETHER! Can I tell you how fabulous this makes me feel? You know, karma, if you're going to give me a condition that predominately affects men, then why not give me the other perks that are associated with increased testosterone: better muscle tone, and a sex drive. No, of course not. Welcome to the rest of your life, Gina --- a life of Rogaine and fatigue, anxiety and bitterness.
I was starting to feel that I was among a disturbingly small group of people -- a minuscule minority. In this group are the people who never saw Titanic, and who have no interest in seeing it (me) and who haven't seen Avatar and really had no interest in seeing it (me again).
So, over the weekend Todd and I found ourselves in a situation where we could watch Avatar. We didn't spend a dime to see it (thank Christ). Let's just say that a friend of ours was able to get us "free passes," and leave it at that! ;-) Since I was among a group of people, I was captive to the group will and so, Avatar it was!
What is the big flipping deal with this stupid movie? After about 15-20 minutes into the film I found myself (as well as the others) settling into an easy onslaught of commentary, a la MST3K. I absolutely cannot believe this ridiculous piece of crap won Golden Globes for best director and best motion picture for drama (DRAMA??? WTF???). There is no drama; only contrived, pointless, eye-rolling dialogue within a trite, overdone, predictable storyline that is about as subtle as using a grenade to crack a soft-boiled egg.
There are SO many problems with this movie that I don't even know where to begin. How about the dialogue?
Here's one of the first lines of dialogue that got me going:
Main dude (can't even remember their names): Why didn't you just let them kill my ass? Main Na'vi woman: Because you have a strong heart.
My eyes rolled so hard they almost came out of my head.
What the fuuuuuuck? The notion of "a strong heart" or "a good heart" is the most ridiculous, weak, American plot convenience that exists. Why would a race of alien people, who are ostensibly at war with the "sky people" that come to steal their resources, make THAT kind of statement? It makes absolutely no sense.
More weak dialogue? That would be any words that came out of the mouth of the movie's absurdly stereotypical antagonist: the military general (of course) running the show. He's a 60-something, hard-ass, crew-cut, buff, racist, misogynist, jackass with three huge scars that run from the back-side of his head to the front, as if he lost an epic battle with an enraged garden rake. I forget his name too. But it doesn't matter. Really, there is nothing memorable about this movie at all. Anyway, he says things like "I got them by the balls!" And "Time to bring the pain!" No, I am not making that up.
Did I mention that this movie lacks any kind of subtlety at all? It does. Drama MY ASS.
Ok so how about the acting? Well, you know you've got problems when the most acceptable acting performance in your movie was delivered by Michelle Rodriguez. Maybe I should stop there. I will. But I do need to add that I think that the apparent life-sized, puppet version of Sigourney Weaver didn't hold up too well during the nearly 3-hour running time. Hey Cameron, maybe you should reconsider allowing actors to telephone in their performances?
The story is, as everyone is saying, nearly identical to Pocahontas or Dances with Wolves (or as South Park jibed: Dances with Smurfs). What makes Avatar slightly more unique than either of the stories I just mentioned is that Avatar COMPLETELY LACKS ANY DEPTH OR SUBTLETY OF ANY KIND. Cameron comes out of the box hammering the story into your face with absurdly one-dimensional characters.
But what everyone is really talking about with this film is, of course, the visual impact it presents. Nearly everyone I spoke to who saw this film all had the same thing to say, "Story and dialog were so-so, but the GCI (or graphics, or visuals) were unbelievable. You have to see it to believe it." Okay. I did see it. And, um...well...I hate to break it to you but, I'm not that impressed.
First of all, the Na'vi people are blue, 9-feet tall, skeletal, lumbering, mammals with tails that serve no purpose whatsoever. They have cat-like, wide eyes and mostly cat-like noses. They all look identical to each other. There is seriously little to no variation on what these beings look like. Towards the end of the movie they decide to go around Pandora (which must be pretty friggin' small) to ask for help from the other tribes to assist in getting rid of the general and his soon-to-be, ass-kicking army attack. Aside from the occasional bone in the nose (no I'm not making that up either) or different clothing, tribes from other parts of Pandora look EXACTLY like the ones we are introduced to and journey with throughout the film. Way to go, Cameron.
Second, most of Pandora looks like the cover of an 11-year-old girl's Trapper Keeper: Purple, pink, blue, and sparkly with unicorns! If you can't picture that, Pandora looks almost exactly like Zangarmarsh from World of Warcraft.
I kid you not.
All the animals have pink, blue and purple on their anatomy somewhere and many have extra legs or wings. Big deal. Know what fantasy animals really looked awesome on screen, and they didn't have to be pink, purple, blue and have 6 legs? The oliphants from Lord of the Rings.
As for the action, flying, fighting, etc. where Cameron used motion-capture on the real actors (though Sigourney Weaver is a HUGE MAYBE) that looks ok. But it isn't anything I haven't seen already in other films. I pretty much hated the prequel Star Wars movies (Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones, Revenge of the Sith). However, I saw all the same "groundbreaking" stuff in those movies as I did in Avatar. So how was this movie any different or better? It wasn't either. Period.
Maybe I am just cynical and jaded, but I fail to see why Avatar has generated SO much interest, acclaim, and CASH. Boy am I glad that I didn't pay one, red cent to see it.
Most people that I know (especially women) have a regular hairdresser. Or a "stylist" or a barber, or whatever is the PC thing to call the person who cuts the mangled mess of tresses on the top of your head. It's kind of like your dental hygienist or optometrist. You usually know this person by their first name and you know a little about them as a person. Or in the case of hairdressers, you may know A LOT about them personally. More than you ever wanted to know. Well, not me. I don't have a hairdresser. I am rather ambivalent towards my crazy hair, in general. And I think hairdressers sense this.
You have to understand where I am coming from. I grew up in a house where my dad cut his own hair. Still does. When we were little kids, and we needed to have our hair cut, my sister and I used to be dragged forcefully down the street to this old guy named Frank Ruggieri. He and his wife, Laura, were hairdressers, or at least that's what our mom told us. This is the mid- to late-1970s that I'm talking about, and these folks --- though lovely, sweet people --- had to be in their 80s; I swear. One spin around their salon and you felt as if you were transported back to those nifty days when Warren G. Harding was president and the US was giving birth to the jazz age. Everyone! Crank up the Victrola and get down with some Irving Berlin! In retrospect, the salon also had the sort of eerily silent, unused, sad air about it, kind of like Ms. Havisham's house from Great Expectations. They had this one dust-covered, little, adorable, gilt birdcage hanging from the ceiling, with a fake bird in it. Almost exactly like the one pictured here. I'm sure that thing must be worth a small fortune today. And I'm right. That one in the picture? $2000-$3000. Saw it on the internet today.
Anyway, Frank --- as I recall him--- was a tall, thin man with white hair and very bushy eyebrows. He wore a white shirt almost always and suspenders with gray pants. If poor Abe Lincoln had the opportunity to get old and silver-haired, he would have looked like Frank. The main thing I remember about Frank was that he had tremors, possibly Parkinson's Disease. How did I know this? Well, whenever the comb (probably made from 100% elephant ivory) rested on my head it felt like someone was aggressively tapping their fingertips across my scalp. What is supremely funny is that he would say, in a rather perturbed Italian-accented tone, "Stand still!" As if it was somehow my fault that the comb was hammering into my skull. How did my mom let this man come within 40 feet of me or my sister with a pair of scissors? You can imagine what our hair looked like. Is it any wonder kids made fun of us? Or that I really don't give a rat's ass about my hair now in 2010? Sigh.
I'd also like to note that the Ruggieris sold old-school candy in the back of their salon until sometime in the early 1980s. We all had bad haircuts; red, gummy teeth from the Swedish Fish, and multicolored, sticky necks from the candy necklaces. Nice.
I don't recall much of any conversation that might have occurred while sitting in Frank's salon and getting my hair cut. I was too busy wailing and screaming. I was terrified of having my hair washed in those salon sinks. Actually, I was pretty much terrified of having my hair washed at all. (This is a whole 'nother story.) To this day, the sensation of water all around my head freaks me out, IF I am not the one who's doing it. This is probably why I can never learn to swim.
Anyway, after Frank, I don't recall ever having a regular hairdresser. To this day, there isn't one that I particularly seek out. And ever since the dawn of institutions like the Hair Cuttery and Super Cuts, it's been nearly impossible for me to get that hair-dresser/patron relationship that seems to be a staple in so many other people's lives.
I've been to Hair Cuttery a lot, ever since a couple of them opened up fairly near to me in South Philly back when I was about 14. In the time before I moved to DE, I only went to the Hair Cuttery. Not because it was great, or because I had that "relationship" I mentioned, but because it was cheap. Ten dollars for a haircut; how could you beat that? I don't even get my hair cut very often because I am both cheap and lazy. In all the years since first going to Hair Cuttery I don't think I ever had the same hairdresser more than twice. Sure, they give you a card, with their name handwritten on it (usually with a heart dotting any "i" that might appear in their name), with the alleged hours that they appear in the salon. But it was (and still is) all lies. LIES, I tell you! They retire, move, open their own shops, leave the profession entirely, etc.
Todd and I both go to Super Cuts now, because it's the closest of the hair "chop shops," as I like to call them, to our house. But I still hate going there. It's the same story as Hair Cuttery, but with an added flair for the dramatic. Maybe I was too young to realize it or pay attention in my teens and 20s, but there is WAY DRAMA going on at any given time in a salon collective such as Super Cuts/Hair Cuttery.
Scene: Todd and I finally get our butts into Super Cuts one day. There are like 11 people waiting there, all the salon chairs already filled with patrons. Thankfully, we remembered to "call ahead," which they recommend. This means that you call them on any given day and they add your name to a secret list. No it's not an appointment! How dare you say that?! It's a walk-in salon! So, no matter when you show up, if you are on that list, you get bumped up to "next." I find this practice infuriating. I mean ostensibly, you could call them at 9:00 am when they open, then wait until 6:00 in the evening to show up and you'd still get preferential treatment. Wrong. They should just take frickin' appointments. Period.
So anyway, we got bumped up to practically "next," lucky us. There was one guy waiting ahead of us. He called ahead too. Only, the stylist that was supposed to work on us never showed up for work. So they made a hasty call to a couple of people (they tried to be super secret, but I knew what was going down) and finally came up with someone to come in and cover. About 15 minutes later a very ANGRY young woman shows up with a fitted blouse that was so tight it literally popped a button at the bust. She threw her stuff into a chair and slammed some supplies and implements around as she mumbled under her breath, trying to contain her blistering fury.
She looks at the list and looks into the growing swarm of people waiting and throws her hands up and then on her hips and says, "Oh HELL no. There is NO WAY I am taking him. I cannot deal with that man today! I don't care...blargh de blagh de bippity boo!" She turned her back and started walking away to her station by that point. Now apparently, I was the only person that saw or heard this, even though it was so obvious and audible that people out in the parking lot could have understood her. So the poor guy that was "next" really wasn't "next." He didn't seem to notice or care.
Guess who was next? Me. Awesome. She didn't even offer to wash my hair, which they normally always do. She spritzes some water on my head and says, "How much off?" "About an inch?" I replied. NO other questions about style or anything. She got to work cutting. She said not one other word to me the entire time. I didn't think it was humanly possible for a hairdresser to go more than a minute without speaking. It was probably the fastest and most furious haircut I ever received in my entire life. Maybe 6-7 minutes tops. She then says, "Dry it?" I say, "Yes, my grand-" WHIRRRRRRRRRRRRR the dryer went on. I was about to make a funny little comment about how my grandmother always said, "Never go out with a wet head! You will catch pneumonia!" So much for my little witty ditty.
I was more than a little terrified. Visions of Frank's 1970s butchery went swimming through my head. For maybe the second time in my life (first being my wedding day) I actually cared about how my hair might look. The dryer went off. She paused briefly before unsnapping the neck of my hair cape thing. I assumed she wanted me to look. She didn't even offer to show me the back through a mirror.
To my shock and surprise it looked AWESOME. "Great!" I said. She released me from the chair. Todd was next. We were paying all together, so she took care of him before ringing us both up. She was more chatty with Todd, but not much. He, too, received a speedy and excellent haircut, if silent and moderately ticked-off. Still, we tipped her generously, and her mood skyrocketed as a result. She thanked us profusely for the tip and wished us both a good evening.
Maybe this is the key! Hire stylists with rage issues! Forget anger management courses, just let them cut hair! Needless to say, I am sure that my next visit to Super Cuts (which must be soon, unfortunately) will probably not be as interesting, dramatic or, frankly, good.
...I do dumb things. Here's the latest and my not-so-greatest:
Part the firste:
Sunday I spent Easter at my parents' house. It was a lovely day and I was in a great mood too. My dad cooked up a storm; and made probably the best roasted chicken I've ever had. He seriously outdid himself.
I brought my pysanky with me to show my parents. Because he's Highlander, my dad is interested in all kinds of creative activities. Naturally, he has a wide variety of paints and shellacs, so I figured I could put the clear coat on it to make it nice and shiny and better preserve the dyes on the egg. He pulled out a water-based clear coat made by Minwax, I think. Awesome, right?
WRONG.
I basically totally destroyed my pysanky. It was too painful to take pictures of it to post here, so suffice it to say that it's...really bad. The clear coat caused all the dye to run and it's now a ruin. I was nearly despondent for the rest of the day. Why didn't I test it on the bottom in an inconspicuous area? Because I'm an idiot. And I was excited about glazin' it all up and just rushed right in. And the thought that a water-based clear coat would re-activate all the dye and cause it to run honestly never occurred to me. Nearly 5 hours of work went down the tubes in 30 seconds. And I really liked how it turned out. Sigh. SO depressing. I guess I'll try it again next year. :-/
DURP DE DUR!
Part the seconde:
So after the food frenzy yesterday, it was back to the yogurt, pretzels, and apple today. Only...I wasn't feeling the pretzels. You know? Of course you do. So I went to the bookstore to seek out a moderatly healthy, point-friendly-yet-tasty snack to consume with the yogurt. That's another thing: I can't just eat yogurt. I absolutely HAVE to have something...else with it. Something crunchy or crispy; something to CHEW.
I stumbled upon something new! A rather large box that had a Fiddle-Faddleish, sweet popcorny kind of thing in it. I winced as I started to read the nutritional information and... it was pretty good! There were 5 individual bags in the box, one serving per bag. Each serving was 120 calories, 2.5 fat and 5 fiber. So only 2 points in my world. DING! I bought the box. It was $3.49.
Here's a picture of the dreaded box of delusions and lies.
I get back up stairs to my office and open the box. "Hrm...," I thought to myself. The bags within were TINY. Like airline-snack-size tiny. You could have put at least twice as many bags that size in the box they were in. I felt the contents of the package from the outside and then said out loud, " Oh, COME ON!" Seriously it felt like there were 3-4 small clusters in the package. I opened it and confirmed my suspicions. I should have put the pieces in a measuring cup (yes, I do actually have a set of measuring cups at work, thank you very much!). I'm positive that it was no more than 1/4 cup of stuff. I was so pissed off. How'd it taste? Well...ok. Basically like Fiddle Faddle but with a cranberry edge to it. So totally NOT worth 2 points. I'm the kind of person that likes to get a lot of "bang for the buck" with my points. And that just totally left me shocked and dismayed. In fact...I remained.
This looks hideous? Not so much.
