Tuesday, April 10, 2007

I Augered Into My Thigh and Other Atrocities and Annoyances

J'ever have a stretch of a about a week's time where you just wonder how you haven't yet managed to accidentally remove your own head from your body? Yeah. Well, that's me.

I have had the most bizarre few days as of late.

First of all: the weather. WTF? Excuse me, Mother Nature? Yeah, hey, I've been operating under the assumption that Spring had actually arrived about 3 weeks ago on March 21. Yes? Why, then, when starting my car in the morning, does the temperature gauge on my rear-view mirror warn me that "ICE" is present outside? Hmmm? And why, pray tell, is it 40 degrees outside in the middle of the afternoon on April 9? Can you like work on that a little? Just 10-15 degrees is all I ask, really. K? Thx!


Second: Yes, I did auger into my thigh. Todd and I were putting up towel racks and hooks in all the bathrooms (FINALLY) on Saturday. Well in order to properly "install" the one towel rack, I needed to use an anchor in the drywall. Fair enough. So I had to change the drill bit. Ok, short story: The house we just moved from in Philly, was sold to us by an elderly lady whose husband (long deceased), was a carpenter. She left us all his tools. Which was super nice. Some of the tools, however, maybe should be given to a museum. One such item is the drill. It's made of metal, probably steel. It weighs about 649 pounds...ok, 7. And it's very old fashioned. No safety mechanism on it whatsoever. Come on! This thing HAS to be from the late 40s, early 50s. Well, I had a little skinny drill bit in there, probably something like 3/64ths. Anyway, trying to change it is easy enough, but unwieldy. Well, the weightiness of the drill combined with my Saturday morning agility (think agility -20) caused me to lose my grip on the damn thing. It swung out of my hands, and arced down into my left thigh. Yeah. Made about a 1/8-inch deep (at least) puncture wound there. Ah, the beautiful colors of a bruise....


Third: Dear Amazon.com:

If you even try to get away with sending me that book for my secret pal on freakin' MAY 27TH, I will hunt you down. You understand me? Capisce? M.A.Y. 2.7.T.H = NO. I ordered it on April 3.

PS: DIE IN A FIRE.

Thx!


Fourth: My cats. After a $335 emergency vet bill, we learned that Luna somehow managed to sprain her ACL in her right back knee. (At first they thought she TORE it!) The vet told us that this is a "football injury" and is very common among athletes. Uh huh. So I've nicknamed Luna "John Elway." She seems to be doing better, which is a good thing because if she didn't improve it meant an $1800 surgery. The vet gave us meds for her that we give her twice a day. She takes them well, unlike Luna's polar opposite with regard to medicine, Sophie. And lucky ME, Sophie is sick again. Respiratory infection nonsense. There are no words to describe how insanely difficult it is to get any kind of medication into Sophie. I...just...it's...impossible. I mean I've had Todd put her in a headlock and I've done a quarter Nelson on her and still need the jaws of life and a couple of locksmiths to pry her mouth open. This is while she is trying to claw us to bloody pulps, too. Sigh.


Fifth: Work! Aside from the usual oddities and frustrations, I arrived at work to day to find a rather cryptic email from one of the professors in my department. This professor --- an aging, half-deaf, Korean man --- is notorious for sending bizarre, somewhat nonsensical correspondence over e-mail, usually to the department secretary. Well, today was my turn. Here it is:

DEAR GINA,

ARE YOU HAVING MICHAEL?

RK

Yes. That's it. No, no abridging or editing took place. That is the entire e-mail. Dear friends, it took every ounce of restraint in my body not to write back: "For what? Dinner?" Or: "Yeah, I'm dilated 9 centimeters; it should be any minute now...."


Sixth: World of Warcraft. I love it. There's no changing that. WARNING: I am about to discuss some geeky, RP, online-gaming stuff. Ok? One of my characters joined a guild. I am really enjoying being in said guild. BUT...there is this one guild member that just drives me bat-shit crazy. The best way to explain this is to just post the IM conversation I had with Nicole about this. I've removed or changed names, and I tried to clean up our sailor-mouth swearing a little, so take that as a warning too :

me: ok I am going to rant for second here about WOW and my guild
nicole: LOL ok
me: if that's ok
nicole: go for it, dude!
me: ok
nicole: LOL
me:
One of my characters, my "main," is in a guild.
nice guild. I like it there.
ok.
there is this one guild member named XXXXXX that drives me f'n nuts
I can't explain it but she makes me BONKERS.
I'm assuming it's a she; the character is a female night-elf something-or-other.
Like every f'n time she has to go away from her computer, instead of putting up an /afk
nicole: she poops in the house?
me: she has to tell you what she's doing
LOL!
So it's like "Phone call, brb!"
nicole: "i'm going to go feed my cats, and then poop a little, and then do some other crapzoid!"
me: "Visitors! BRB" LMFAOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
nicole: "putting on a tutu and dancing with Leslie Neilson! brb!"
me: "Oops nature calls! BRB!"
EXACT-F'ING-LY
ok
THEN she's like "ok I'm back!" when she comes back
and I'm like OH GOODIE!!!
nicole: OH GREAT I'M SO EXCITED TO SEE YOUR F'ING STUPID FACE
me: Then one time I was in the Un'Goro Crater with Todd's character
and she was there
and sees me
nicole: and you were like noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
me: and says "What are you working on? You need any help?"
And I told her what I was doing (A quest called "Chasing A-Me", which involves rescuing a mechanical gorilla in a cave with other mean-ass douchebag gorillas around it)
ok
nicole: LMFAO WTF
me: CRYING LMFAO
I am so blogging this convo
anyway
So she goes "Oh I can totally help you! Meet you at the cave!"
So I invite her to our group and we get to the cave
nicole: LOL "i'm blogging this!"
and she's like BRB MONKEY POO!
me: LMFAO I go in there with Todd and we kill like 2 angry douche gorillas
and she goes "Oh I have to go do some stuff for this other quest, you all will be ok right?"
And we were like "Um...I guess so?"
nicole: why the frack did she offer to help????
me: EXACT-F'ING-LY
nicole: what a whore!
me: Poor Todd died like 4 times
nicole: OMG kick her in the tooth
me: Then the other night---ok first of all
I am a hunter, I am a Dwarf, so I use guns
and there are these things you can attach to your guns (and bows, I think) that increase damage, called scopes
ok
so I bought a sweet-ass, level 59 gun on the auction house
and I wanted the top-of-the-line scope for it.
It's an Adamantite Scope.
ok
to buy one outright from the auction house is 35 f'ing gold .
the gun only cost me 9 or 10 gold
so I was like NO WAY
nicole: JEEZ that's ridiculous!
me: SO i looked up what materials are needed to make the scope
And I bought the materials instead. Total was about 12 gold
nicole: "first ingredient: annoying girl. woo i know one!"
me: LOL Well I can't make the thing. You have to be an engineer, which I don't have as a profession.
nicole: shit!
me: and you have to be a very advanced engineer anyway.
So I ask in guildchat:
"Hey folks! Can anyone make me an Adamantite Scope? I have the mats."
Like 2 seconds later she goes
"I can't!"
nicole: I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHO CAN'T I WANT TO KNOW WHO CAN
me: THX! YOU ARE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HELPFUL!!!!
nicole: RTARDFACE
me: I wanted to f'n log off, log on as one of my Horde characters, go to wherever she was, and go PVP on her ass.

Hope you are not bleeding from the eyes after that tirade of vitriol. It was worse, believe me!


Finally: I hate the USPS. Can you please stay open past 6:00pm? PLEASE? My poor secret pal's package is still sitting in my dining room because I can't get to the post office when it's open, which is for like 1.25 hours a day and only 2 days a week.


What IS right with me???

3 comments:

the nicole kline experience said...

DON'T POOP IN THE HOUSE

Marsha Brofka-Berends said...

Sorry to hear about the thigh augering and the cat illnesses. But that post about WoW just cracked me up (and Jan, too). I wonder if it makes any sense to people who don't play the game. :)

Beth said...

I'm supposed to be recovering and taking it easy. You have me cracking up, belly laughing so hard it is painful. Especially the Fifth. You're poor thigh!