Showing posts with label Hideous Knitting 101. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hideous Knitting 101. Show all posts
Friday, April 13, 2012
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Hideous Knitting 101
Finally! Another installment of Hideous Knitting 101.
Yoga. You are one with your body. Mind, spirit, and flesh all in perfect unison, perfect harmony. The epitome of sublime tranquility and focus, you move yourself effortlessly from a peacock pose to a firefly, finally ending with the impossible savisana...
Then the EMT wakes you. You never actually made it onto the yoga mat. You realize you passed out from heat stroke because you ran down a flight of stairs wearing these:
Yes that's right. Knitted yoga pants. Knitted in...WOOL. Unless you intend on doing yoga on a glacier in Greenland, these pants have to be the most impractical (and ugly) garment I've seen since the Boyle Apron.
Darn it all! The patten is only written in Danish! But I actually have a WAY easier idea of how to get pretty much the same effect:
1) Go to a thrift store --- or your mom's or your grandmom's or maybe even your own closet, if money is really tight.
2) Buy/find an old wool coat that nobody wants to wear anymore. Make sure it's 100% wool. Maybe one of those "swing" coats that were popular about 15 years ago. Aside: Dear 1996, women really loved looking 8-months pregnant or like Pavarotti when out-of-doors in the winter. NOT.
3) Put your legs in the sleeves of the coat. Pull it up just enough so that you have about 18 inches of loose, billowy crotch space. Button or zip the coat, if you can.
4) To secure around your waist, tie a 100% wool scarf (preferably one double-knit with a Celtic motif) from front to back.
VOILA! What? Come on. Same difference.
Hideous Knitting 101 report card:
Style: F Ok I realize that "style" in its purest sense is probably the last thing anyone should worry about when doing yoga. But comfort should be right at the top! There is no way this giant, wool diaper with legs is conducive to the elevation of mind, body, and spirit through yoga.
And actually, to return to my initial assessment, it IS really frackin' ugly.
Fit: F Kinda hard to determine actual body fit here. I think it does tie around the waist in the back. Again, these are MC Hammer pants in wool. OK? Think about sweating with these on.
Color(s): C Meh, navy blue and gold. Ok.
Yarn: D While I am a HUGE fan of natural fibers, particularly merino or washable wool, it just does not make sense to me to knit anything that goes around your crotch area in wool. Granted, there is SO much extra fabric that it's probably not glued to your naughty bits like underwear, but still. To me this is a waste of wool. It's DK weight wool (NOT merino, definitely a highland wool) and there are 295 yards per hank. A web search and a translation from German to English showed me that it goes for 7.5 euros a hank, which is about 10.25. Pretty good for nearly 300 yards of DK wool. But still, to make these sheepy jodhpurs, you need about 950 yards, so 4 hanks. I'd like to reiterate that I have NO problem with the yarn itself; if it were used for a lovely vest or cardigan I'd grade it an A.
Execution: C? It's pretty hard to tell if this was knit according to pattern specification or not. I mean, it's got a whole lot goin' on. Double knitting, ribbing, pockets, what looks like modular brioche stitch at the cuffs, short row shaping, etc., etc. It's just so...odd...and...well, I can't...I don't even know. Here's another picture. You tell me.
Yoga. You are one with your body. Mind, spirit, and flesh all in perfect unison, perfect harmony. The epitome of sublime tranquility and focus, you move yourself effortlessly from a peacock pose to a firefly, finally ending with the impossible savisana...
Then the EMT wakes you. You never actually made it onto the yoga mat. You realize you passed out from heat stroke because you ran down a flight of stairs wearing these:
Yes that's right. Knitted yoga pants. Knitted in...WOOL. Unless you intend on doing yoga on a glacier in Greenland, these pants have to be the most impractical (and ugly) garment I've seen since the Boyle Apron.
Darn it all! The patten is only written in Danish! But I actually have a WAY easier idea of how to get pretty much the same effect:
1) Go to a thrift store --- or your mom's or your grandmom's or maybe even your own closet, if money is really tight.
2) Buy/find an old wool coat that nobody wants to wear anymore. Make sure it's 100% wool. Maybe one of those "swing" coats that were popular about 15 years ago. Aside: Dear 1996, women really loved looking 8-months pregnant or like Pavarotti when out-of-doors in the winter. NOT.
3) Put your legs in the sleeves of the coat. Pull it up just enough so that you have about 18 inches of loose, billowy crotch space. Button or zip the coat, if you can.
4) To secure around your waist, tie a 100% wool scarf (preferably one double-knit with a Celtic motif) from front to back.
VOILA! What? Come on. Same difference.
Hideous Knitting 101 report card:
Style: F Ok I realize that "style" in its purest sense is probably the last thing anyone should worry about when doing yoga. But comfort should be right at the top! There is no way this giant, wool diaper with legs is conducive to the elevation of mind, body, and spirit through yoga.
And actually, to return to my initial assessment, it IS really frackin' ugly.
Fit: F Kinda hard to determine actual body fit here. I think it does tie around the waist in the back. Again, these are MC Hammer pants in wool. OK? Think about sweating with these on.
Color(s): C Meh, navy blue and gold. Ok.
Yarn: D While I am a HUGE fan of natural fibers, particularly merino or washable wool, it just does not make sense to me to knit anything that goes around your crotch area in wool. Granted, there is SO much extra fabric that it's probably not glued to your naughty bits like underwear, but still. To me this is a waste of wool. It's DK weight wool (NOT merino, definitely a highland wool) and there are 295 yards per hank. A web search and a translation from German to English showed me that it goes for 7.5 euros a hank, which is about 10.25. Pretty good for nearly 300 yards of DK wool. But still, to make these sheepy jodhpurs, you need about 950 yards, so 4 hanks. I'd like to reiterate that I have NO problem with the yarn itself; if it were used for a lovely vest or cardigan I'd grade it an A.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Hideous Knitting 101
Time for another thrilling session of Hideous Knitting 101.
Secondly, I realize that this is crochet, not knitting. There is something about crochet garments that look, well, more tawdry than clothes constructed by other means (sewing, knitting, fan dancing, etc.). Oh and the designer used the word "elegant" to describe it (tee-hee). Now, my grandmom was an expert crocheter. She made more crocheted toys, hats, scarves, sweaters, blankets, tablecloths, doilies, curtains, and ponchos (before they ever were cool) than you can shake a stick at. And we loved and cherished every last one of them. But there's something different about a 7-year-old wearing a crocheted sweater on Easter, than a grown woman wearing a crochet wedding gown.
Hideous Knitting (er, I mean Crochet) 101 report card:
Style: D "Live from Caesar's Palace Casino right here in fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada: The incomparable CHARO!" Also, what's with that sort-of webbing on the arms? Looks like she walked through Shelob's lair on the way to the altar. I'm also reminded of the Carole Burnett skit in which they parodied Gone With the Wind. She came traipsing down a grand staircase wearing a hilarious dress made from the window curtains, rod sticking out from the shoulders and all. When Rhett asked her where she got the dress, she replied, "I saw it in the window and I just couldn't resist it." Well in this case it would be, "I saw it on grandma's table and I just couldn't resist it!"
Fit: F This is one of the most ridiculous applications for crochet that I've ever seen. Also, can you imagine how much something like this weighs? I think Dickens should have had the ghost of Jacob Marley wear this instead of dragging chains around. I'm sure this is much heavier and it's most certainly more frightening.
Color(s): B- Well, it's a wedding gown, for Pete's sake, so it kind of HAS to be in the white-to-beige sort of color range. Although, the designer has stated that you could make this as a "prom dress, ballroom dress or awards dress" (whatever THAT is). Imagine making this for your daughter to wear to her prom. Better make it in white, beige, light pink, or black because those are the only colors in which you can get a full-length slip! And from the looks of it, you're going to need one! SIGH I suppose you could dye a slip to match.... What a pain in the patootie!
Yarn: INC I guess we really have to buy the pattern even to determine what yarn to use --- or gauge. But from the photo, it sort of looks like a size 5 crochet thread (which in knitting terms is about a sport weight). I would imagine it's cotton, since most crochet thread goes that route. OMG. I just had a terrifying thought. What if this was crocheted in...acrylic? AAAAGGGHHHH. The horror...the horror.
Execution: B- I must admit that I am impressed with the stamina possessed by the person(s) who crocheted this. My major complaint with execution is that the entire weight of this dress is concentrated on what appears to be 4 or 6 angel-hair-width straps. The thought of having the entire weight of a crocheted, full-length (with a train) gown pulling on eensie-teensie straps is causing my shoulders to weep at this very moment. There, there, sweet shoulders. I wouldn't do that to you!
**SIDE NOTE: My dad always buys a current World Almanac. And the World Almanac always lists celebrity birth dates, and deaths. Every almanac I've ever seen indicates that Charo was born in 1941, making her 69 years old. However, Charo now says that she was born in 1951. This seems really disturbing and absurd since she was married in 1966 to a 66-year-old man. SHUDDER. Maybe she wore this when she got married....
Nothing quite defines "classy" as looking like Charo in the afterlife. Well, at least this is what I picture Charo wearing in her afterlife. Don't get me wrong, I lurve Charo. I think she's funny, looks amazing for her age (although I'm sure surgery was incorporated a few times) **, and plays a damn good flamenco guitar.
I...just don't want to emulate her on my WEDDING DAY.
Cuchi-cuchi, indeed.
I present the
"Pristine Wedding Gown"
First of all, blatant misuse of the word "pristine" always pisses me off to no end. Pristine basically means primitive, or something that is in its original state. It's not really a good adjective to describe a new, hand-made garment, unless, in this case, Oxford English Dictionary has concluded that pristine also means "ugly."Secondly, I realize that this is crochet, not knitting. There is something about crochet garments that look, well, more tawdry than clothes constructed by other means (sewing, knitting, fan dancing, etc.). Oh and the designer used the word "elegant" to describe it (tee-hee). Now, my grandmom was an expert crocheter. She made more crocheted toys, hats, scarves, sweaters, blankets, tablecloths, doilies, curtains, and ponchos (before they ever were cool) than you can shake a stick at. And we loved and cherished every last one of them. But there's something different about a 7-year-old wearing a crocheted sweater on Easter, than a grown woman wearing a crochet wedding gown.
Hideous Knitting (er, I mean Crochet) 101 report card:
Style: D "Live from Caesar's Palace Casino right here in fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada: The incomparable CHARO!" Also, what's with that sort-of webbing on the arms? Looks like she walked through Shelob's lair on the way to the altar. I'm also reminded of the Carole Burnett skit in which they parodied Gone With the Wind. She came traipsing down a grand staircase wearing a hilarious dress made from the window curtains, rod sticking out from the shoulders and all. When Rhett asked her where she got the dress, she replied, "I saw it in the window and I just couldn't resist it." Well in this case it would be, "I saw it on grandma's table and I just couldn't resist it!"
Fit: F This is one of the most ridiculous applications for crochet that I've ever seen. Also, can you imagine how much something like this weighs? I think Dickens should have had the ghost of Jacob Marley wear this instead of dragging chains around. I'm sure this is much heavier and it's most certainly more frightening.
Color(s): B- Well, it's a wedding gown, for Pete's sake, so it kind of HAS to be in the white-to-beige sort of color range. Although, the designer has stated that you could make this as a "prom dress, ballroom dress or awards dress" (whatever THAT is). Imagine making this for your daughter to wear to her prom. Better make it in white, beige, light pink, or black because those are the only colors in which you can get a full-length slip! And from the looks of it, you're going to need one! SIGH I suppose you could dye a slip to match.... What a pain in the patootie!
Yarn: INC I guess we really have to buy the pattern even to determine what yarn to use --- or gauge. But from the photo, it sort of looks like a size 5 crochet thread (which in knitting terms is about a sport weight). I would imagine it's cotton, since most crochet thread goes that route. OMG. I just had a terrifying thought. What if this was crocheted in...acrylic? AAAAGGGHHHH. The horror...the horror.
Execution: B- I must admit that I am impressed with the stamina possessed by the person(s) who crocheted this. My major complaint with execution is that the entire weight of this dress is concentrated on what appears to be 4 or 6 angel-hair-width straps. The thought of having the entire weight of a crocheted, full-length (with a train) gown pulling on eensie-teensie straps is causing my shoulders to weep at this very moment. There, there, sweet shoulders. I wouldn't do that to you!
**SIDE NOTE: My dad always buys a current World Almanac. And the World Almanac always lists celebrity birth dates, and deaths. Every almanac I've ever seen indicates that Charo was born in 1941, making her 69 years old. However, Charo now says that she was born in 1951. This seems really disturbing and absurd since she was married in 1966 to a 66-year-old man. SHUDDER. Maybe she wore this when she got married....
Friday, December 11, 2009
Hideous Knitting 101
Time for another installment of Hideous Knitting 101.
Did you manage to bag a muppet on your last hunting expedition to Sesame Street? Don't know what to do with the nappy carcass? Might I suggest this?
This lit bit of fuzzy insanity is the
It will cost you $4 to learn how to make this atrocity. I'm not making that up either.
My faith in knitting humanity has been slightly restored, as only 2 people have favorited this pattern (one of them ME so I could remember the details for this post). Nobody made this other than the "designer" that posted it. It is, however, in 2 queues. SIGH.
It's hard to tell from the photograph what size this is. According to the pattern, it can be 34, 37, 40, or 43. Ok. Well, even if it was the 34, it STILL looks WAYYYYY too small to fit on any adult, female body that I know of, with the possible exception of Kate Bosworth. But even she couldn't get her bobble head in that opening! Think about it. The top appears to be laying on a tile floor. Most ceramic floor tiles are no bigger than 12 x 12. Well this...thing...is no wider than ONE tile and definitely shorter than 2 tiles. So, it's 12" across the bust and about 20" long from shoulder to hem. Um...yeah.
Hideous Knitting 101 report card:
Style: F There IS no style. It's a misshapen, teeny-tiny t-shirt.
Fit: F Good luck fitting a 34" bust into a 24" top! Maybe this would work as a dog sweater? Poor dog.
Color(s): D It was a sad day down at Fraggle Rock.... The world is your oyster here, so let's go for pseudo animal print so you can look like you ran into a baby leopard and caved it's head in with a club in order to get its pelt. Great choice!
Yarn: D Fun fur should never be used for a full-size garment. Period. But get a gander at her recommendations for yarn: "Plymouth ‘Flash’ or Gedifra ‘Technohair’ and a chunky weight yarn such as Sidar ‘Stampata’, ‘Cossack’, or Plymouth ‘Encore Chunky’. Can also use worsted weight fluffy such as Collinette ‘Silky Chic’ or Gedifra ‘Technohair Lungo’ held together with a worsted weight such as Plymouth Encore or Debbie Bliss Cashmerino Aran."
Wait, wait, WAIT. Hold the phone. Two things:
1) how is it possible to knit this in the same gauge by using two chunky weight yarns held together OR two WORSTED weight yarns held together? Foul.
2) Cashmerino Aran? Are you freakin' kidding me? Gedifra ‘Technohair’ runs about $6-7 a ball (also, it's spelled Tecno Hair) and Cashmerino Aran runs about $8-9 a ball. So $14-$16 per ball, basically, since we have to hold 2 strands together. And how many balls? Well, we have to buy the pattern to find out! But let's guesstimate; it's fun! It's 71 yards per ball for the Tecno Hair and 100 for the Cashmerino. Most short-sleeved sweaters use 400-600 yards. Since we're combining the yarns here and the sweater is the size of a large postage stamp, let's go with the low estimate and say we'll need 4 of each. So with a combined cost of about $15, we're looking at shelling out about $60 to make this thing. SIXTY DOLLARS. Thank Christ I didn't use the Colinette Silky in the estimate! That's $20 a ball JUST for the Colinette Silky.
"Make sure to buy extra yarn if you plan to make the body or sleeves longer" [No shit, Sherlock!].
Execution: D Is it me or is one sleeve smaller (the one on the right) than the other? And as I've mentioned at least two other times in this post, NO NORMAL, ADULT HUMAN FEMALE CAN FIT INTO THIS. This whole thing screams wanker fartass in execution. Just...bad.
Did you manage to bag a muppet on your last hunting expedition to Sesame Street? Don't know what to do with the nappy carcass? Might I suggest this?
This lit bit of fuzzy insanity is the
FAST AND FLUFFY TOP-DOWN T-TOP!!!!
Yeah, that's the title as it appears in Ravelry, caps and all. No, I'm not making that up.It will cost you $4 to learn how to make this atrocity. I'm not making that up either.
My faith in knitting humanity has been slightly restored, as only 2 people have favorited this pattern (one of them ME so I could remember the details for this post). Nobody made this other than the "designer" that posted it. It is, however, in 2 queues. SIGH.
It's hard to tell from the photograph what size this is. According to the pattern, it can be 34, 37, 40, or 43. Ok. Well, even if it was the 34, it STILL looks WAYYYYY too small to fit on any adult, female body that I know of, with the possible exception of Kate Bosworth. But even she couldn't get her bobble head in that opening! Think about it. The top appears to be laying on a tile floor. Most ceramic floor tiles are no bigger than 12 x 12. Well this...thing...is no wider than ONE tile and definitely shorter than 2 tiles. So, it's 12" across the bust and about 20" long from shoulder to hem. Um...yeah.
Hideous Knitting 101 report card:
Style: F There IS no style. It's a misshapen, teeny-tiny t-shirt.
Fit: F Good luck fitting a 34" bust into a 24" top! Maybe this would work as a dog sweater? Poor dog.
Color(s): D It was a sad day down at Fraggle Rock.... The world is your oyster here, so let's go for pseudo animal print so you can look like you ran into a baby leopard and caved it's head in with a club in order to get its pelt. Great choice!
Yarn: D Fun fur should never be used for a full-size garment. Period. But get a gander at her recommendations for yarn: "Plymouth ‘Flash’ or Gedifra ‘Technohair’ and a chunky weight yarn such as Sidar ‘Stampata’, ‘Cossack’, or Plymouth ‘Encore Chunky’. Can also use worsted weight fluffy such as Collinette ‘Silky Chic’ or Gedifra ‘Technohair Lungo’ held together with a worsted weight such as Plymouth Encore or Debbie Bliss Cashmerino Aran."
Wait, wait, WAIT. Hold the phone. Two things:
1) how is it possible to knit this in the same gauge by using two chunky weight yarns held together OR two WORSTED weight yarns held together? Foul.
2) Cashmerino Aran? Are you freakin' kidding me? Gedifra ‘Technohair’ runs about $6-7 a ball (also, it's spelled Tecno Hair) and Cashmerino Aran runs about $8-9 a ball. So $14-$16 per ball, basically, since we have to hold 2 strands together. And how many balls? Well, we have to buy the pattern to find out! But let's guesstimate; it's fun! It's 71 yards per ball for the Tecno Hair and 100 for the Cashmerino. Most short-sleeved sweaters use 400-600 yards. Since we're combining the yarns here and the sweater is the size of a large postage stamp, let's go with the low estimate and say we'll need 4 of each. So with a combined cost of about $15, we're looking at shelling out about $60 to make this thing. SIXTY DOLLARS. Thank Christ I didn't use the Colinette Silky in the estimate! That's $20 a ball JUST for the Colinette Silky.
"Make sure to buy extra yarn if you plan to make the body or sleeves longer" [No shit, Sherlock!].
Execution: D Is it me or is one sleeve smaller (the one on the right) than the other? And as I've mentioned at least two other times in this post, NO NORMAL, ADULT HUMAN FEMALE CAN FIT INTO THIS. This whole thing screams wanker fartass in execution. Just...bad.
Thursday, August 06, 2009
Hideous Knitting 101 --- A Departure
Time for more hideous knitting, kids. This time, I will depart from the standard Hideous Knitting format and instead tackle not just one specific pattern, but a whole genre of knitting (and even crochet): the useless & pointless knitted object that also happens to be hideous. Now, I'm not talking about toys, or knitted animals (which can be used as toys), per se. These objects may very well be "useless" for most, but if you love animals or know someone who would just think a gift of a knitted cupcake is darling (I know I wouldn't mind receiving one), they do have a point and usually aren't hideous, either.
But what I'm talking about this:
Yup. That's what you think it is: knitted poop. In this case, dog poop. This certainly has no use that I can see, so I can't imagine what the point would be.
Because it's funny? Hmm...maybe. But it's not really THAT funny. And it's gross.
And what a terrible waste (haha "waste") of yarn.
How about some human poop?
Here you go! I find it equally amusing and disturbing that people on Ravelry have "favorited" both this pattern and the one above, which are also offered for free if you are interested. And if you are, don't tell me. Because I would have to come hurt you.
Like that she put in on a closed toilet lid for the full effect? Nice.
Here's some more, this time in crochet:
Ah, amigurumi. You know, I normally think amigurumi is as cute as the next person. But don't crochet up some poop and put eyes and a smiley face on it and call it amigurumi.
Poop isn't cute.
Someone should call up the CDC and ask them their opinion on the cuteness of poop.
Ok, ok, lighten up, right? Alright, how about THE ugliest shawl to ever be created by human hands?
I thought about using this all by itself for a Hideous Knitting post. But really, what can I say that would be any more effective at proclaiming its hideousness than just looking at it. A picture is worth 1000 words, right?
This one must be worth 10,000 words, at least, all of them bad.
But what I'm talking about this:
Yup. That's what you think it is: knitted poop. In this case, dog poop. This certainly has no use that I can see, so I can't imagine what the point would be.
Because it's funny? Hmm...maybe. But it's not really THAT funny. And it's gross.
And what a terrible waste (haha "waste") of yarn.
How about some human poop?
Here you go! I find it equally amusing and disturbing that people on Ravelry have "favorited" both this pattern and the one above, which are also offered for free if you are interested. And if you are, don't tell me. Because I would have to come hurt you.Like that she put in on a closed toilet lid for the full effect? Nice.
Here's some more, this time in crochet:
Ah, amigurumi. You know, I normally think amigurumi is as cute as the next person. But don't crochet up some poop and put eyes and a smiley face on it and call it amigurumi.
Poop isn't cute.
Someone should call up the CDC and ask them their opinion on the cuteness of poop.
Ok, ok, lighten up, right? Alright, how about THE ugliest shawl to ever be created by human hands?
I thought about using this all by itself for a Hideous Knitting post. But really, what can I say that would be any more effective at proclaiming its hideousness than just looking at it. A picture is worth 1000 words, right?
This one must be worth 10,000 words, at least, all of them bad.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Hideous Knitting 101
Alright, it's time for another exciting installment of Hideous Knitting 101. Today's fashion faux pas is...this...thing:
So my reaction upon seeing this on Ravelry the other day was, "What the fuck?" And after a couple of days thinking about it, my reaction to the above knitted "garment" is still, "What the fuck?" The fact that 4 people "favorited" this stupid thing is a scary indicator that mental illness is now an airborne disease. This pattern, which, BTW, is called "Boyle Apron," comes from a new book called Maggie's Ireland: Designer Knits on Location---a book of the most absurd knitting patterns I have seen in a long time. Not since Loop-d-Loop have I laid eyes upon such nightmares. Want to see a few more? How about this:
Or this apparent Irish tribute to Rabbis?
Or this equally stellar candidate for the "What the fuck" awards? I *think* it's a shawl:
Yes, all these disasters from ONE book. And there are MORE. Lots more. Anyway, back to the Boyle Apron...
Hideous Knitting 101 report card:
Style: F I don't even know. I mean seriously. It's a thing that you cover your crotch with? I remain.
Fit: D First of all, how does this thing, you know, stay on? I can only assume that you tie it on. Second, it has NO purpose whatsoever. Why would you spend the time and money to knit yourself an apron, if you intend to USE it as an apron? Foul. I doubt anybody really would use this as an actual apron. So are we to assume that one would knit this solely for decorative purposes? Uh huh. Sure. I'm going to guess that this is a pricey thing to knit, since they indicated some brand of Irish linen to make it.
Color(s): D WHAT colors? In fact, nothing in the entire book is in any color but tan, brown, beige, white, ivory or navy blue.
Yarn: B Maggi's Knits Irish Linen: 52% cotton, 48% linen. Worsted weight. 126 yards per ball. (Um...Made in Spain!?!? WTF!?) Natural fibers are always a plus. The yarn does come in more colors than just shades of brown, so that's nice. This yarn runs about $8 a ball. Not terrible, but be prepared to spend $48 to knit a useless crotch flap.
Execution: C- It's a long rectangle with some textured squares and some other squares in a different color. Whoop-de-do. Not visually interesting nor awe-inspiring from a technique standpoint. Just...don't make this. Ever. If I see anyone wearing one of these, I will have to bitch-slap them.
So my reaction upon seeing this on Ravelry the other day was, "What the fuck?" And after a couple of days thinking about it, my reaction to the above knitted "garment" is still, "What the fuck?" The fact that 4 people "favorited" this stupid thing is a scary indicator that mental illness is now an airborne disease. This pattern, which, BTW, is called "Boyle Apron," comes from a new book called Maggie's Ireland: Designer Knits on Location---a book of the most absurd knitting patterns I have seen in a long time. Not since Loop-d-Loop have I laid eyes upon such nightmares. Want to see a few more? How about this:
Or this apparent Irish tribute to Rabbis?
Or this equally stellar candidate for the "What the fuck" awards? I *think* it's a shawl:
Yes, all these disasters from ONE book. And there are MORE. Lots more. Anyway, back to the Boyle Apron...
Hideous Knitting 101 report card:
Style: F I don't even know. I mean seriously. It's a thing that you cover your crotch with? I remain.
Fit: D First of all, how does this thing, you know, stay on? I can only assume that you tie it on. Second, it has NO purpose whatsoever. Why would you spend the time and money to knit yourself an apron, if you intend to USE it as an apron? Foul. I doubt anybody really would use this as an actual apron. So are we to assume that one would knit this solely for decorative purposes? Uh huh. Sure. I'm going to guess that this is a pricey thing to knit, since they indicated some brand of Irish linen to make it.
Color(s): D WHAT colors? In fact, nothing in the entire book is in any color but tan, brown, beige, white, ivory or navy blue.
Yarn: B Maggi's Knits Irish Linen: 52% cotton, 48% linen. Worsted weight. 126 yards per ball. (Um...Made in Spain!?!? WTF!?) Natural fibers are always a plus. The yarn does come in more colors than just shades of brown, so that's nice. This yarn runs about $8 a ball. Not terrible, but be prepared to spend $48 to knit a useless crotch flap.
Execution: C- It's a long rectangle with some textured squares and some other squares in a different color. Whoop-de-do. Not visually interesting nor awe-inspiring from a technique standpoint. Just...don't make this. Ever. If I see anyone wearing one of these, I will have to bitch-slap them.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Hideous Knitting 101
All right, here's the next installment of Hideous Knitting:
At first glance, this looks really pretty. I'm a sucker for a nice feather n' fan pattern and I liked the tied, blousy look. In fact, I almost downloaded this pattern (it's free, a big turn-on for me). But then it hit me: wait, those aren't sleeves. OMG. It's a...cape...with a belt...and the belt goes through the knitting to make totally non-functional, pseudo sleeves. WTF. A cape with a belt. Yes. I know, honey.
Sigh:
WHO DOES THIS? Look at how that evil belt pulls most horrifically on the knitting. I am cringing looking at it. I can feel my blood boiling.
A
CAPE
WITH
A
BELT
&*(#$@^$*&%^*#(@)%^%$#& FUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
Sorry. I just can't stand it.
Ok report card time.
Hideous Knitting 101 report card:
Style: F A. CAPE. WITH. A. BELT. = NO. BAD. WRONG.
Fit: C- As a cape, it's too long, and as a sweater, the "sleeves" are too short. The model wears it well enough. Although, let's see her lift those arms up, huh?
Color(s): C Meh. Boring.
Yarn: C Naturally Caron Spa. 25% bamboo; 75% acrylic. DK weight. I wish the bamboo content were a little higher and that there were more color options; looks like only pastels. However, this yarn comes in 250-yard skeins, so that's a big plus.
Execution: D The feather and fan looks fine, but again, the way the &*$%^@%# belt yanks on the knitting is awful, evil, and cringe-worthy. Had this been a real sweater, with REAL SLEEVES, it would be absolutely stunning. I feel like this is a cop out to making sleeves. I mean, nothing against capes, (although I don't particularly like them), but if you're making a cape, then you're making a cape. Don't try to make it into some weird-ass, el-fake-o sweater. I am actually, seriously considering revising this pattern so that it has real sleeves. A challenge, def. But I might do it.
At first glance, this looks really pretty. I'm a sucker for a nice feather n' fan pattern and I liked the tied, blousy look. In fact, I almost downloaded this pattern (it's free, a big turn-on for me). But then it hit me: wait, those aren't sleeves. OMG. It's a...cape...with a belt...and the belt goes through the knitting to make totally non-functional, pseudo sleeves. WTF. A cape with a belt. Yes. I know, honey.
Sigh:
WHO DOES THIS? Look at how that evil belt pulls most horrifically on the knitting. I am cringing looking at it. I can feel my blood boiling.
A
CAPE
WITH
A
BELT
&*(#$@^$*&%^*#(@)%^%$#& FUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
Sorry. I just can't stand it.
Ok report card time.
Hideous Knitting 101 report card:
Style: F A. CAPE. WITH. A. BELT. = NO. BAD. WRONG.
Fit: C- As a cape, it's too long, and as a sweater, the "sleeves" are too short. The model wears it well enough. Although, let's see her lift those arms up, huh?
Color(s): C Meh. Boring.
Yarn: C Naturally Caron Spa. 25% bamboo; 75% acrylic. DK weight. I wish the bamboo content were a little higher and that there were more color options; looks like only pastels. However, this yarn comes in 250-yard skeins, so that's a big plus.
Execution: D The feather and fan looks fine, but again, the way the &*$%^@%# belt yanks on the knitting is awful, evil, and cringe-worthy. Had this been a real sweater, with REAL SLEEVES, it would be absolutely stunning. I feel like this is a cop out to making sleeves. I mean, nothing against capes, (although I don't particularly like them), but if you're making a cape, then you're making a cape. Don't try to make it into some weird-ass, el-fake-o sweater. I am actually, seriously considering revising this pattern so that it has real sleeves. A challenge, def. But I might do it.
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Hideous Knitting 101
Introducing a new segment that I will revisit from time to time that I'm calling "Hideous Knitting 101." All examples will be followed by a report card, where each item is graded on the following:
Style: the overall look of the knitted item.
Fit: how well it fits the intended application, not limited to the fit of garments.
Color(s): choice of color(s) or colorway
Yarn: Quality, fiber, and availability of the yarn used for knitted item
Execution: How well the knitted item uses the yarn and represents the skill of knitting.
And here's your first installment:
This trip to seizure town caught my eye the other day on Ravelry. If you click on the picture it will take you to Coats & Clark's free pattern! How delightful. I feel kinda sorry for that Gweneth Paltrow-esque model who had to wear this thing AND be photographed. It's one of the most unflattering knitted garments I've ever laid eyes on and in more ways than one.
Hideous Knitting 101 report card:
Style: D-
Fit: D
Color(s): D
Yarn: C- Moda Dea Sassy Stripes 100% Acrylic; sport weight. (which on the web site says: "100% acrylique," as if Frenchifying it will make it any better).
Execution: C- If you look at the knit samples for this yarn's colorways, they look NOTHING like the nightmare pictured above. I think this is supposed to knit up into a self-striping, fair-isle type of pattern.
Now if we used different yarn, would this be any better? I think only marginally. I'm trying to picture it in a different colorway or in a solid color. But the bad styling and fit is just so overwhelming that I think there's no hope.
Stay tuned for more.
Style: the overall look of the knitted item.
Fit: how well it fits the intended application, not limited to the fit of garments.
Color(s): choice of color(s) or colorway
Yarn: Quality, fiber, and availability of the yarn used for knitted item
Execution: How well the knitted item uses the yarn and represents the skill of knitting.
And here's your first installment:
This trip to seizure town caught my eye the other day on Ravelry. If you click on the picture it will take you to Coats & Clark's free pattern! How delightful. I feel kinda sorry for that Gweneth Paltrow-esque model who had to wear this thing AND be photographed. It's one of the most unflattering knitted garments I've ever laid eyes on and in more ways than one.
Hideous Knitting 101 report card:
Style: D-
Fit: D
Color(s): D
Yarn: C- Moda Dea Sassy Stripes 100% Acrylic; sport weight. (which on the web site says: "100% acrylique," as if Frenchifying it will make it any better).
Execution: C- If you look at the knit samples for this yarn's colorways, they look NOTHING like the nightmare pictured above. I think this is supposed to knit up into a self-striping, fair-isle type of pattern.
Now if we used different yarn, would this be any better? I think only marginally. I'm trying to picture it in a different colorway or in a solid color. But the bad styling and fit is just so overwhelming that I think there's no hope.
Stay tuned for more.
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