Time For Me To Brush Up On My Crochet...

...'cause I think I really need to make this:







Yes, that is Peter Tork.

Hideous Knitting 101

Time for another thrilling session of Hideous Knitting 101.

Nothing quite defines "classy" as looking like Charo in the afterlife. Well, at least this is what I picture Charo wearing in her afterlife. Don't get me wrong, I lurve Charo. I think she's funny, looks amazing for her age (although I'm sure surgery was incorporated a few times) **, and plays a damn good flamenco guitar.

I...just don't want to emulate her on my WEDDING DAY.

Cuchi-cuchi, indeed.

I present the

"Pristine Wedding Gown"

First of all, blatant misuse of the word "pristine" always pisses me off to no end. Pristine basically means primitive, or something that is in its original state. It's not really a good adjective to describe a new, hand-made garment, unless, in this case, Oxford English Dictionary has concluded that pristine also means "ugly."

Secondly, I realize that this is crochet, not knitting. There is something about crochet garments that look, well, more tawdry than clothes constructed by other means (sewing, knitting, fan dancing, etc.). Oh and the designer used the word "elegant" to describe it (tee-hee). Now, my grandmom was an expert crocheter. She made more crocheted toys, hats, scarves, sweaters, blankets, tablecloths, doilies, curtains, and ponchos (before they ever were cool) than you can shake a stick at. And we loved and cherished every last one of them. But there's something different about a 7-year-old wearing a crocheted sweater on Easter, than a grown woman wearing a crochet wedding gown.

Hideous Knitting (er, I mean Crochet) 101 report card:

Style: D "Live from Caesar's Palace Casino right here in fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada: The incomparable CHARO!" Also, what's with that sort-of webbing on the arms? Looks like she walked through Shelob's lair on the way to the altar. I'm also reminded of the Carole Burnett skit in which they parodied Gone With the Wind. She came traipsing down a grand staircase wearing a hilarious dress made from the window curtains, rod sticking out from the shoulders and all. When Rhett asked her where she got the dress, she replied, "I saw it in the window and I just couldn't resist it." Well in this case it would be, "I saw it on grandma's table and I just couldn't resist it!"

Fit: F This is one of the most ridiculous applications for crochet that I've ever seen. Also, can you imagine how much something like this weighs? I think Dickens should have had the ghost of Jacob Marley wear this instead of dragging chains around. I'm sure this is much heavier and it's most certainly more frightening.

Color(s): B- Well, it's a wedding gown, for Pete's sake, so it kind of HAS to be in the white-to-beige sort of color range. Although, the designer has stated that you could make this as a "prom dress, ballroom dress or awards dress" (whatever THAT is). Imagine making this for your daughter to wear to her prom. Better make it in white, beige, light pink, or black because those are the only colors in which you can get a full-length slip! And from the looks of it, you're going to need one! SIGH I suppose you could dye a slip to match.... What a pain in the patootie!

Yarn: INC I guess we really have to buy the pattern even to determine what yarn to use --- or gauge. But from the photo, it sort of looks like a size 5 crochet thread (which in knitting terms is about a sport weight). I would imagine it's cotton, since most crochet thread goes that route. OMG. I just had a terrifying thought. What if this was crocheted in...acrylic? AAAAGGGHHHH. The horror...the horror.

Execution: B- I must admit that I am impressed with the stamina possessed by the person(s) who crocheted this. My major complaint with execution is that the entire weight of this dress is concentrated on what appears to be 4 or 6 angel-hair-width straps. The thought of having the entire weight of a crocheted, full-length (with a train) gown pulling on eensie-teensie straps is causing my shoulders to weep at this very moment. There, there, sweet shoulders. I wouldn't do that to you!


**SIDE NOTE: My dad always buys a current World Almanac. And the World Almanac always lists celebrity birth dates, and deaths. Every almanac I've ever seen indicates that Charo was born in 1941, making her 69 years old. However, Charo now says that she was born in 1951. This seems really disturbing and absurd since she was married in 1966 to a 66-year-old man. SHUDDER. Maybe she wore this when she got married....

DDOS Swap SUPER Pal!

I have returned from Vermont, which I will post about in a couple of days. I know you are all just waiting on baited breath....

I just have to say how fantastic my Dog Days of Summer Dishcloth Swap Pal has been. Thank you so much, Mary B, for being such a great spoiler. I received a package a goodies yesterday and I absolutely love everything! Just take a gander at all my delightful booty:

It just can't get any better than that! Not one, but TWO pretty crochet dishcloths AND a scrubbie! And a whole booklet of lovely dishcloth patterns. I think there are 15 in there! And look at all the yarn. I love that Sugar & Cream colorway and the coral and reddish Plymouth Jeannee yarns are so soft and fabulous. It's very hard to get Plymouth yarn over here. In fact, I've never even seen Plymouth Jeannee yarn ever. EVER! I can't wait to knit with it! The Paton's Grace yarn is one that I have been wanting to try! I literally had it in an online shopping cart a couple of weeks ago and thought "Ahhh...maybe later." So I am super stoked to finally have this to try! Mary is from Vegas, and it's hotter than Matthew Fox in a Speedo over here in Delaware, so she sent me an M&M's notepad instead of risking a nasty chocolate mess in the box because of the August heat. Very smart! I love the scents of the lotions too: Pineapple and Peach. Yum! I love fruit-scented items. And how cute are the kitty 2008-2009 personal planner and mini key-chain calendar?!? SQUEEEE!

Personally, my favorite thing has to be that green scrubbie. I like flipped my lid over that! Here it is in closeup!



Here's a close up of some of the patterns in the book and the Plymouth and Patons yarns. Oh and the scrubbie again. God I love that thing! :



Thanks again, Mary for being such an awesome pal and spoiling me rotten! You are the best. Hearts to you! :-)

Oh My DOG. Gorram You, ETSY!

At one time in the recent past, I proposed to you that the web store for all things handmade, Etsy, is evil. Evil by way of temptation and gluttony. I basically, freakin' want everything there. Ok?

Now to remove any doubt at all as to exactly how evil they are, I give you the following picture links:

Got Something 'T Show Ya!

So, I mentioned on my SP9 and SP10 questionnaires that my maternal grandmother (her name was Adeline) used to knit & crochet. She preferred crochet. She was absolutely a master. I can remember many an afghan, sweater, hat, table runner, tablecloth, etc. that came forth from her loving, talented hands. The closest I ever got to learning to knit or crochet from my grandmother was when I'd help her wind up skeins into balls when I was a kid. I always wanted to learn, but it looked so hard. Then, you know how it is, other stuff got in the way: like the perils of growing up, going to school, your first job, college, that boy in your drawing class that you were bat-shit crazy over and for about 3 years you were sick to your stomach every freakin' day that you had class and your mind went absolutely numb and you couldn't think of anything else but the conjured up life that you imagined in your head that you two would eventually have together in the countryside somewhere raising Corgis and being all artsy and idyllic together and then you wrote him this pathetic, sappy note proclaiming your undying love for him and he never even responded to it because, hey, really now, what the hell is he supposed to say to that kind of insanity; you know that now, but then it seemed like a smashing idea, and because he was a fairly decent, if stoic, guy he forgot all about that crazy-ass letter and still managed to remain somewhat awkward friends (it was YOUR fault, missy) with you anyway and you never spoke of it again even though you secretly pined away and died a little every time you sat with him at lunch and ate Chik-fil-A waffle fries at the cafeteria and you would wonder why the crap he even came over with his tray, wanting to sit there with you after all the crazy shit that went down, what did this mean, is he that lame that he doesn't comprehend the breadth and severity of your feelings for him, why won't he just tell you what's going on with him?!

Wait, what the hell was I talking about?

Oh yeah, crochet, and learning, and all of that. OK.

So I never learned any of the "fiber arts" until much later. When my dear grandmother passed away, my mom gave me many things that belonged to my grandmother. One item is a tablecloth she crocheted. It's mind-blowingly intricate. My dumb words can't even explain what it's like so here are a couple of pictures:


This was crocheted by a woman who was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis from age 59. She was truly amazing. See that purplish box with the picture of Elvis on it? That was also hers. She adored Elvis. It was her little sewing box. And she was an amazing seamstress. Her dad was a tailor, so she learned from the best at a VERY young age.


I can only hope to achieve an iota of what she was able to do in crochet, knitting, and sewing.

Current Projects

Since you've seen some of the old completed stuff, I thought I'd share a look at the current knit and crochet projects I'm working on.

This is going to be a very long wrap/shawl when I get it done. Thankfully, it's just about finished. This is my first real crochet project. I did not follow any pattern in particular, just made this sort-of a sampler of various basic crochet stitches. It's really looooooooooooong. I haven't even measured it. I used Lion Brand Suede yarn in the color coffee.



And a close up:



Next is a little shoulder purse that I knit. Again, I didn't follow any specific pattern, I just got a mental image of what I thought it might look like and I went with it. This is also done in Lion Brand Suede, but in the mocha color. I still have to attach the strap, which is actually the only part of this purse that did follow a pattern. I used a pattern for a belt! I'm trying to figure out if I should go ahead and make a little quickie cotton lining for this too.

I had a little trouble with the button hole. Not exactly they way I thought it would turn out, but I think that once I put a fancy button on there, it will look ok!



Close up of button hole in front:



Speaking of purses, this next project will send me to an early grave, I am sure. It's a kit to make a purse. It called the "Little Taupe Bag" kit made by BagSmith. And it comes in several colors, but I liked the taupe the best. I bought it on sale at Yarnmarket.com a few months ago.

Below are pics of the package and what the bag is supposed to end up looking like in the crochet version, whose directions are infinitely less complicated than the knitted version, but still a little challenging for me. I actually started this on vacation in Vermont. Working with this yarn is not easy, especially making the initial chain. But once I got going for an inch or so, it was fine. I crocheted about 4 inches worth of the bag when I realized that I just did not add the first row of SC stitches correctly to the initial chain. I took the whole thing out to start over. And now I am having worse difficulties than before trying to make that initial crochet chain. But I'll keep trying!

I can only hope that my finished product comes out looking HALF as good as the one pictured below!


I am also working on a baby sweater for a Christening that I have to go to this Sunday. I WILL take a picture of it when it gets done and post it. I've made 4 or 5 baby sweaters so far and everyone loves them! People tell me I should quit my day job and go into business making them. But I am a SLOW knitter! I'd never make it if I had to sell my knitted goods as my livelihood.

The Knit & Crochet Uber Resource List

In the great hierarchy of knitting, I consider myself to be fairly low in the caste. Maybe not an untouchable, but I am a pretty green knitter. I am an even greener crocheter. However, as with any hobby or topic that interests me, I have thrown myself into them, finding out as much as I can about knitting and crocheting.

The internet is a wonderful thing. It truly is. Especially nowadays. I recall being employed in a university library's computer lab back in 1995. The internet, while available, was just NOT the veritable Mecca of information and commerce that it is today.

So over the past 2 years, I've been doing a lot of knit and crochet researching, yarn buying, pattern finding, question asking, etc. And I'm passing on to you what I think the best bits are.

Shopping:
Ah yes, everyone has to feed their little demon known as the infamous "yarn stash." If you can stand to wait a few days for a package to arrive and not run yourself to Joann, Michaels, or AC Moore in desperation to feed your habit (which I will refer to as JMAC from now on), then here are some of the best places I've found to buy yarn and accessories:

Knitting Warehouse
I love this place. They offer the cheapest prices on a lot of the commercially available yarn brands (way cheaper than JMAC), and even a couple of the more frou-frou yarn brands. They have a wide array of needles, hooks and other accessories too. They have flat rate shipping, which is reasonable, too. I've ordered a lot of stuff from here.

Knit Picks
If you lean more towards---ahem---yarn snobbishness, then you will appreciate this webstore. You get all the snobby goodness of 100% wool, silk and wool blends, cottons, alpaca, nary an acrylic in sight, etc., but at insanely reasonable prices. I mean CRAZY cheap. For example:
Wool of the Andes: 100% wool, worsted weight, 110 yards, about 5794873270 colors and it's $1.99 a skein. ONE DOLLAR NINETY-NINE CENTS. Oh, and free shipping over $40. Knit Picks also has some free patterns and they tell you the estimated cost to do a project using the recommended yarn. I found this webstore as a link from one of my all-time favorite websites, which is now defunct: You Knit What?

Nu Mei Yarns
Sort of like KnitPicks, NuMei offers great quality yarn at very good prices. Also, they manufacture all their own yarn. So, you can get cool, novelty yarns that are comparable to the major yarn companies or the stuff you can get at JMAC, but higher quality and a lot cheaper. And when they have a sale, or clear out some of their yarn, you can get a super-good deal.

Elann
Ok Elann is pretty unique in that you can get some hoity-toity yarn really cheap. The catch is that sometimes you might have to buy that luxurious silk/cashmere blend from the following stunning array of colors: "litterbox clump," "parakeet poop," "satan's magenta frappe," and "white on rice." Also, the models they use are a tad on the scary-beyond-human-reason side. Oh, and if you can tell me the difference between the last three yarn colors listed here, you win. What do you win? I don't know...um...how about a cat? I've got a couple to spare. Take my Titus, please. But they do offer free patterns too (although some are a bit dated-looking or just plain old bizarre) and good prices.

Purlsoho.com
Sometimes, presentation is everything. And I don't know of any webstore that presents its products more lovingly and beautifully than Purlsoho.com. Here's an example of what I mean: Terra yarn. Nice, right? Kind of makes you breathe out with a little sweet sigh. They are pricey, but they do have some decent sales. And the yarns they offer are very high-quality. Overall, the furthest point in the universe away from the JMAC experience.

Yarn By The Bag and Discount Yarn Sale
These sites are great resources if you plan on buying a large quantity of a specific yarn. They only sell yarn in grouped packages---not quite bulk, but they sell yarns in "5 skeins per bag" or "10 skeins per bag." So they can give you better pricing this way. Which is great if you are knitting a blanket or sweater.

Jimmy Beans Wool
Lots of unique yarns all in one place. Interesting accessories, funky patterns and some cool ideas. $4 shipping and free over $75, a nice plus. They have an extensive sale section, which is probably the only stuff I can afford.

Yarnzilla
Super cool webstore. Offers an "online punchard," which is like the cards you get at coffee or sandwich shops. You spend a certain amount and your card gets automatically "punched." You get a discount based on your level of purchases. Once you spend $250, you get 20% off everything on the site, even the stuff on sale! They have some really unique yarns from some companies I've never heard of. Pricing is good and they also have $5 flat-rate shipping.


Information
How many times have you found yourself just dumbfounded by some knitting or crochet project? For me, more times than I care to recall. I have a bunch of books at home, but sometimes it's great to be able to get the super-quick low-down after just a couple of keystrokes. Here are some informational resources that have helped me:

I've used all kinds of knitting needles: bamboo, plastic, metal, rosewood, resin, casein, etc. And by far, the best needles I've ever used are Bryspun, especially the circular needles. The joint connection between the needle and the cable is great; it's seamless. The cable is nice and wide too, so you don't get that twisting, tangling thing going on. Yarnzilla has a wide selection of these needles.

Want to know the nitty-gritty on yarn? Visit Yarndex, the penultimate web resource for yarn information. The Yarndex has an encyclopedic array of current (and not-so-current) yarns out there on the market and explains them in detail with full pictures and everything. Sweet.

When I was an even greener knitter, I visited About.com's knitting stitch glossary all the time. I still go here when I need some guidance. Great place to start when you want to try some new stitch and you just aren't sure what you like, or what the heck a "purl barred scallop" stitch looks like.

Ok who doesn't like FREE patterns? I am constantly on the hunt for free patterns. Sometimes you just want to see a pattern so you can do some tweaking and make it your own. Or maybe you need a quickie pattern for a project that you need to give as a gift. I ran into this problem regarding a baby blanket. I wanted a super-fast and easy baby blanket pattern to be done in time for a baby shower I got invited to. There are a bunch of patterns for baby blankets in some books that I own, but most of them involve the words "finger weight" and "lace." Sorry, I don't have 8 months to knit a blanket; the baby shower is in 3 weeks. Enter the internet, in all its glory! Here are just a few sites with free patterns:

http://www.lionbrand.com
http://www.knitty.com
http://knitting.about.com/blpattern.htm
http://www.straw.com/cpy/free_patterns.html
http://www.knittingpatterncentral.com/index.php
http://www.berroco.com/pattern_library.html
http://www.chicknits.com/free.shtml
http://secure.elann.com/freepatterns.asp
http://www.woolworks.org/
http://www.knitting-and.com/knitting/allpatterns.htm
http://www.craftown.com/knit.htm
http://www.garnstudio.com/lang/en/kategori_oversikt.php

Whew, I'm spent....