Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Welcome to the BIZARRE!

Ok, no one enjoys seeing unique knitted/crocheted items more than I do. However...

I can't believe there is a pattern for THIS.

Guess what? I have a much easier pattern for this very same thing:

2 skeins of any super-bulky weight yarn
Using 2 strands simultaneously, cast on 85 stitches on size 17 needles
Row 1: knit
Row 2-end: give the entire knitting project to Titus and Ophelia for 5 minutes
Voila! Finished!

Um, in theory, it's kind of a nice idea, but in actuality...hmmm...

I'm going to have to say NO. I mean come on, you can't use it. Seriously. here is no way anyone would use this as a replacement for a real -- or God forbid, pair of real -- breasts. You know the intent of this type of knitted item could really be misconstrued. It's like, "Oh sorry to hear that you lost your breast(s). Here's a gaudy, hot pink, lumpy, crocheted facsimile of a breast, which is probably NOT in any way imaginable the correct size for you to use (choking back laughter) and/or cherish."

WHY? And WHY is it on a piano?

Surely there must be a better way to express joy and pride over one's womanhood than this. In the introduction to the pattern, the person responsible for bringing you this travesty says, "It's not completely anatomically accurate. " NO! Really? Sorry, do it over. And THIS time, make in anatomically correct. I will accept nothing less! Oh and I'll have you know that MY uterus plays the french horn, thank you very much!

And now, some of the ugliest garments ever created. Brought to you by

Want to commit a crime against humanity, but just don't know how? Try knitting THIS!

What is THIS? Whatever it is, it's horrible. Period.

This is a most disturbing combination of shapes, lines, and colors that I have ever seen. Basically, a complete nightmare. No, I take that back: this is. Maybe? I don't know. Talk amongst yourselves. Both get an F-.

Anyone caught wearing this should immediately be placed in psychiatric care. Anyone caught knitting this should be shot on sight by firing squad.

Aww, even an 89-year-old grandma would think this was TOO OLD for her.

I just don't even know anymore. I mean...hmmm...ok, not only is the sweater bad, but what kind of dude wears pants like that? Are those even PANTS? And what the hell is that poor kid wearing?

I take you now back to 1983. Ah yes, I can envision it clearly in my mind's eye, as if it were just yesterday: me, riding home in a metallic-green Ford Granada, after seeing Mr. Mom for the 3rd time, the subtle musical stylings of Duran Duran gently floating out of the car's speakers and into my blissfully adoring ears. Idyllic, yes. This is how I want to remember the early 1980s: that wistful time in my youth of Knight Rider, the Eurythmics, and Atari 2600. Thank the Lord above that I was 11 years old in 1983 and did not have to succumb to the fashion of the day. Else I would have nothing nice to say about the decade that brought us THIS. The description says, "...sleeveless top for a woman or a man...." Wait, wait, wait. Stop right there. A MAN? Oh no, no, no; I don't think so. I really don't see---unless...he was Greek...and over 40...with a waxed moustache...and lived on a the Caspian Sea...with severe myopia...and it was 1983.


Katie J said... seems to have an abundance of crappy patterns. Thank you for sharing in the craziness.

P.S. May I add you to my blogroll?

Gina said...

Please do! :-)

How is your sweet little girl doing, BTW?